The End

I dislike the way that that this turned out, but the story as a whole, I'm actually quite proud of it. It earned far more attention then I had expected it to, and I'm so happy that all of you read and followed, and that some even took the time to comment. I know it wasn't a  "funny" story to read, but I'm glad so many of you stayed with it.
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I knew that at some point, I was going to have to go. I had to, just to ease the nerves that still took over my stomach when I thought about the direction Kris and I were moving. He had repected my request to not announce anything until after my visit, which I was so thankful for. He understood why it mattered to me. He didn't question it, or laugh at it. He nodded his head and told me to call him when I was ready to be picked up for Sid's party.

The tombstone looked exactly as I remembered it. The flowers Kris had brought that day were no longer there, a fresh handful of carnations resting in their place. I didn't know when Kris had been here himself, whether it before the spark between the two of us occurred or not, but I was relieved to find that he had been vsited by the same idea before me.

There was a chill in the air, the weather in weather in Pittsburgh dropping slowly into the colder temperatures and raising raises bumps along my arms with it's coolness. I let out a long breath of air as I knelt down, watching the steam of my breath dance into the air. I ran my fingers along the epitaph of Evan's grave, shaking slightly as I did so. I almost felt as if I couldn't actually follow through with why I was there, a wave of nervousness hitting me unexpectedly, but I shook it off as best as I could, licking my lips before I began.

"Hi, baby," I began, keeping my voice as soft as I could. "I'm sorry I don't come here very often. You know how I a with cemeterys, I don't really like being in them and I hate thinking that you're actually here," I smiled slightly, glancing around to see if I was still alone in the patch of stones or not. "I, uhm, wanted to tell you something. I know I don't have to, but I just feel like I need to. I've spent a long time missing you, and I know that I'm going to miss you every day for the rest of my life, but... I think I'm getting better at it, you know? I've been in therapy for almost a full year now, which I think you knew," I paused, almost laughing at myself, feeling foolish for a second before I carried on. "I ran into Kris again a few months ago. It wasn't good at first. It wasn't good at all, actually. He was still really mad about what happened to you, and he was just not okay, I guess." I sighed, rubbing my hands together. "But I think he's getting better, too. And he's been trying to help me lately. He told me that you asked him to do that, which I thought was crazy because, well," I gestured to the tombstone, "but I guess I can't talk since I'm sitting here, telling you all of this. Anyways, he's becoming one of the most important people in my life right now. I mean, if there's anyone who's going to know how to handle me, other than you, it's Kris, right? And, I don't exactly know what we are or what we'll end up being, but I just felt like I needed to come tell you all of this, because I need you to know that you'll always be with me. Everytime I hear As Tall As Lions, or I see that diner that you and Kris would always eat those sandwiches in, I'll think of you and all those amazing moments we had. I know that I'm always going to love you. I'm just starting to believe that I might be able to love someone else, too. I just hope that's okay." I touched the tombstone again, biting my lip slightly. "I don't know if this is that goodbye that everyone always talks about, or if I'm just completely insane, but... I miss you, and I always will. But someone told me once that I can't just love a memory. I guess I just don't want to be alone anymore. I know you understand. At least, I hope you do."

I could feel the emotions bubbling up underneath my skin. I tried to control them, only allowing a couple of tears to appear as I sat there. I had expected a weight to be lifted. I had expected that moment you see in the movies, where there's this out pouring of light and the protagonist suddenly feels as if they could live again. Maybe it was because I had already had that moment when I realized what I was feeling for Kris, but I had wanted something more. I had come to the cemetery to try and make peace with the noises in my head, but in the seconds that followed my heart-to-heart with Evan's grave, I only felt foolish.

It was just as I was moving my hand away from his grave, sighing in disblief at myself, that I felt it. The sudden weight around my body that made me glance behind me to see if someone was actually holding me. The feeling lasted for only a few seconds before it stopped, leaving me to sit in confusion for a few minutes. It wasn't an outpouring of light like I had been expecting, but I knew without a doubt, and with any idea how it could be possible, that Evan had just told me to let go.

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Kris at my house moments after I called to tell him I was ready I was ready to go. His usual backwards cap was gone, leaving his shaggy hair free to be tossed around with every movement of his head. He gave me a smile when I opened the door to greet him. "How did it go?"

I shrugged, not sure how to explain the whole thing to him. "It was good, I think. I'm still not sure if I'm completly insane or not but-"

"You're not," He said quickly, grabbing one of my hands in reassuring fashion. "I know that Evan is not here physically, but there's moments that I feel as if he's still here."

I nodded, relieved that he understood, even though I should have expected him to. "Are you ready?" I asked, tugging the door shut behind me when he nodded and allowing him to lead me out to his car.

The Penguins were about to take off on a 6 game road trip that would keep them away from their loved ones for just over two weeks. Whenever longer trips such as the approaching one occurred, Sidney made sure to throw a small party, almost as a goodbye to those who had to stay behind. It was never anything too much. Sidney wasn't much a drinker, and he never encouraged his own teammates to get carried away, especially on the road where time changes may already be holding back their play level, but there was always an abundance of food and laughter. I hadn't been to one of the parties in almost two years, and the worry that my arrival might be met with the same awkward greetings as my arrival at Marc's movie party were in full swing.

"Calm down," Kris told me as I stepped out of the car, brushing a strand of hair away from my face. "No one will be weird. And you'll have me with you-"

"Yeah, that'll stop them all from acting weird," I told him, almost chuckling. "I'm trying to stay calm, I really am. This is just all weird, even to me, so-"

My ramble of worries was interrupted as Kris leaned down, softly pressing his lips again mine to silence the panic that was raging inside of my mind. "We're in this together, right?" He asked, brushing a thumb against my cheek as he waited for me to agree. "Then there's nothing to be afraid of."

He stepped back, holding a hand out to me, silently asking if I was going to trust him. It was a small gathering, but it was one that I was entirely intimidated by, and he knew that. I had spent the first year of mourning hiding beneath blankets to block out the world, living as if I was beneath the water. I had pushed everyone away from me, chosen to be alone. I had acted strong, assuring everyone that I was fine, not admitting that I didn't remember what it was like to live with feelings. Steps to find my way back to being truly alive had been taken, and maybe I was even at that stage already, but I had a long ways to go.

Kris' hand was a symbol, in some ways. By accepting it, I was promising him that he wasn't alone, we were in this together. I was going to be fearless with him. We were going to be each other's strength.

"Kaitlin?" He asked, looking worried. "If you don't want to go inside I can take you home. It's fine. Whatever is best for you."

I looked from him to the house, and then back at his hand. I could live on the outside, or I could go back to being a part of the life on the inside. It was an easy answer to arrive at.

I grabbed his hand, stepping closer to him as I did so, and offered a smile. "Let's head in."

He nodded, a grin stretching across his face immediately as he walked with me up the three steps that led to Sidney's door. He opened it without knocking, stepping over the threshhold and tugging my arm so I stepped in with him.

Sidney rounded the corner just as the door shut behind me, coming to check and see who had arrived. I could hear the sound of laughter and conversation taking place behind him as he stopped a few feet away from us. His eyes moved from my face to Kris's face, and then to our still clasped hands before he laughed, a reaction that both of us were caught off guard by.

"I'm sorry, it's just," he paused, letting out another laugh, "I've been expecting this for months now, and now that it's happening, I'm surprised." He let out a long sigh, giving his head a shake before he walked over to the two of us and tugged us both into a hug, making Kris groan. "I'm so proud of you guys."

I heard someone gasp from behind Sidney, causing me to stand up on the tips of my toes to see who it was, feeling my face warm when I realized it was Marc.

He stood silently, pointing at Kris and I with his mouth hanging open for a good thirty seconds before he tilted his head to the side a bit. "Are you two just messing with me? Or is love in bloom?"

"Seriously, stop watching your mom's movies," I said, moving around Sidney and taking Kris with me as we began to make our way over to where the rest of the guests are.

Marc let out a squeal, a full on, twelve year old girl squeal, and picked Kris up to spin him around, only managing to move about three inches before both of them fell over, Marc unable to actually carry Kris. The echo of the thud, followed by Sidney's laughter,  caught the attention of whoever else was in the house, and before I could process the events, I was surrounded by all of their friends. There was a moment where the voices in my head came back, telling me that I should just leave before I ruined everyone's night. Before I could actually listen to them, Jordan Staal tapped my shoulder, causing me to turn around. He handed me a napkin, with a happy face drawn across it. I glanced from it to him in confusion, waiting for an explanation.

Jordan shrugged, his attention on Marc and Kris as they were almost wrestling behind me. "I just wanted to remember the moment that you actually looked happy again. Then I figured, maybe you should remember it, instead."

I felt something inside of my chest move, a feeling of lightness washing over me as I looked back down at the napkin. He had dated it, and when I turned the napkin over, they had all scribbled their names across it. I had no idea when they had done this, or if they had made it before my arrival out of optimism, but the gesture overwhelemed me. I had been too afraid to even walk into the house moments before, and now there was a napkin in my hand that had been drawn all over, just to celebrate that I was back.

I threw my arms around Jordan's middle, catching him by surprise. "Thank you so much," I told him. I felt him laugh before I heard the sound, and in seconds, I could feel the entire group gather around me, one of them yelling "Aw!" loudly as they leaned down to hug me.

When I managed to emerge from the mob of hugs, Kris had escaped from Marc and was waiting for me, grinning when I walked over to him. "You see?" He asked, taking one of my hands in his. "There's nothing to be afraid of anymore. We're not alone."

I didn't actually get to reply. Marc popped up between the two of us and let out a loud sigh, wrapping an arm around both of our shoulders. "My little babies are growing up," he said, shaking his head. "Vero! Get the camera, we're taking a family photo." He pointed to the rest of the group. "Everyone get in here. And look pretty. TK, you stand at the back where no one will look."

I don't really remember waiting for the picture to be taken, or how I ended up ebeing held bridal style by both Kris and Sidney. But I remember the flash of light when the camera went off, and all of us were laughing so hard we barely noticed. I remember the moment, because it was the first moment in a long time that I was without fear or worry. It was the first moment in a long time that I felt like I belonged with the people around me.

It was the first moment in a long time that I was aware of just how alive I was, and there was no guilt behind me feeling it. I was alive, and I was happy.

Lullaby

I didn't move. Not an inch of my body, not a single cell of it was moving. I was tempted to hold my breath for as long as possible just to savour the stillness.

In the days before, my refusal to move myself from the comfort of my bed sprung from my desire to relish some form of control. Losing the person I had planned to spend the rest of my life with was so out of my reign, it made the tiny aspects of life that I had a grasp on seem more important. The reminders of how small I was in the mess of life made the cries of my head, and my heart, swell around me. It was why I sumberged myself in the bathtub, hid beneath the covers to block out the light and pushed away friendships that carried reminders. It felt as if that was all I could do to save myself.

As I lay there in that moment, it was because I wanted to. I was free, to some degree. It was the first morning that I woke up and the heaviness of my loss wasn't pressing down upon me. It was the first day in almost 18 months that I felt as if I could breathe. I welcomed the light from outside. I embraced the sounds around and within me. I was going to climb off of the bed at some point, and I was going to put one foot in front of the other. I was going to see my therapist and tell her that the one person I had been so afraid of was the one person who had pulled me back together, and in what seemed like such a short time frame. I was going to tell Dr. Bailey that I was happy today, genueinely happy, and then I was going to see my friends.

I was going to live.

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"Is it crazy?" I asked, seeking an honest answer. "Is it completely crazy to feel all of this for Evan's best friend?"

Dr. Bailey offered a warm smile. "He was your best friend as well, Katy, don't forget that. And as for crazy," she paused, watching my face tighten with worry, "no. It's not crazy." She sighed, adjusting her glasses. "I know Kristopher, which you're already aware of, and his compassion for you is overwhelming. From what I've been able to gather on his friendship with Evan, he truly is the person that would be picked to take care of you. And more than that, he wants to be that person. The only 'crazy' part of this whole thing is the fact that you didn't realize it sooner."

I frowned, slightly annoyed by the smirk that crossed her face. "I was worried this was too soon."

She laughed, a response that caught me off guard. "Oh, Katy, no. Do you know how you can tell that you're ready to love again?" She asked, watching me.

I shook my head, leaning forward in the chair a bit to pick up the response easier.

"You let someone love you again." She smiled, nodding her head once to conclude the point. "It's as simple as that. The second you let him in and accepted everything he felt for you was the same second that you took that step forward. Sometimes it takes years to reach that point, sometimes months. What matters more than the time it took, is the way you reached that point. You've put a lot of effort into dealing with the issues that many victims of a loss are imprisoned by, and there should be no shame, guilt or fear in the fact that you're able to move forward with yourself."

"I don't feel any of those, actually," I admitted a little sheepishly.

She raised her eyebrows at me. "What do you feel?"

I paused, trying to think of the right word before looking at her and deciding. "Relieved."

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Kris was waiting for me when I arrived at his house, opening the door before I had the chance to knock.

I stepped back, startled by how fast the door opened before me. "Jesus, Kris, you scared me."

He laughed, apologizing immediately. "I'm sorry, I just saw you walking up the driveway and, I guess I was excited." He spoke the latter of the statement so softly that I barely heard it, watching as his face was washed over with a light shade of pink that hit every corner of his features. This whole situation was still so new to both of us that there was a hesitation in our steps. He had admitted his excitement to see so freely, only to instantly fear that it was too soon for him to tell him that.

I smiled, leaning up to kiss one of his warm cheeks in an attempt to show him that it was fine. "It's fine, you just scared me a bit," I told him, stepping past him so that I could enter the house, relieved to find that he had turned his fireplace on and allowed the usually cool lower floor to be filled with warmth. "How was practice this morning?" I asked, turning to face him after I heard the sound of the door close behind me.

He didn't answer, pulling me against him the second I had turned around. It wasn't to kiss me, which I had first expected when I felt his hands press against the small of my back. No, he was just holding me, his face pressing into the side of my neck as he pulled me closer towards him. I wasn't sure what was happening, but I wrapped my arms around him in return.

I felt him take in a deep breath of air before he lifted his head up and pulled away from me slightly, smiling when he could see me again. "I'm sorry if that was weird. I just wanted to hold you. Maybe it's too soon-"

"It's not," I said, grabbing one of his hands. "It's been a long time since I actually felt close to someone."

He nodded, a hint of a smile on his face "Me too." He sighed, letting go of my hand as he began to make his way through the living room and out towards the hallway. "Do you want something to drink? I do not have any coffee right now, but I could make a hot chocolate?" He turned back around to grin at me. "I have some mini-marshmallow's and I'll cover them in chocolate sauce for you."

I felt my own face break into a grin. "I actually can't remember the last time I had that."

"The last time I had it," he said, signalling for me to walk with him into the kitchen, "was almost three years ago. Just before you and Evan started dating," he recalled, glancing to see if the mention of Evan and I would bother me.

"I think that was also the last time I had it," I agreed, smiling so he knew that it was fine.

"That's far too long." He grabbed two mugs, plugging the kettle in and grabbing the container of instant hot chocolate mix. "It's nice to have these moments back."

I nodded, sitting on top of his kitchen counter. "It's nice to smile again."

He grinned, glancing at me over his shoulder. "How was your session with Bailey today?"

I knew that he was really asking whether she was aware of our situation or not. "It was good. She fully supports our make-out session."

Kris laughed, turning to look at me as he leaned against the other side of the counter. "I haven't told Flower yet."

"I only told Sara," I said. "How do you think they'll react?"

He raised an eyebrow. "They being my team?" He asked, shrugging after I nodded. "Sid and Flower will be happy. I think that they have seen this coming for a little while now. As for the rest," he shrugged again, "who cares?" He bit his lip, trying to read my face. "Why, are you worried?"

"No," I answered immediately. "I was just wondering if you were."

He gave a small smirk, walking over to me so that he was standing an inch away from my legs, the two of almost the same height with me being on the counter. "I will never be worried about what they think. I am going to make sure that you are happy, and taken care of. And I'm going to parade you around like the beautiful girl that you are."

I felt myself blush, despite my best efforts not to. "Those are pretty big commitments."

"And they are all things that you deserve." He bit his lip momentatily. "I just want Evan to think that I'm doing a good job of taking care of you now. Like he told me too."

I felt my head dip to the side a bit in reaction to his confession. "Kris, you don't understand," I said softly. "For awhile now, you've been that one thing in my life that made me feel okay. There were times where I couldn't sleep because of how alone I felt, and I'd think of that day at the cemetery, when you held me and told me I wasn't alone anymore, and I would believe you. It was what made me feel okay. That one thought, that was what it took for me to be able to sleep and know that when I woke up, someone else was going to be going through the motions just like I was."

He let out a small chuckle, running a hand up my arm in a gesture of comfort. "You know, after that day I told Sid that you were the reason I could sleep again," he admitted, looking my face over quickly. "He called you my lullaby."

I laughed. "Sid is so lame sometimes."

Kris nodded, his hand now resting on the side of my face. "He's right though. You're-"

"If you say 'the music in me' I will kick you where it hurts most," I promised, making him laugh.

The kettle began whistling behind him, causing him to move away from me so he could unplug it and begin making our drinks. "This was one of the first mornings that I woke up and was happy to be awake," he told me once my cup was ready, handing the mug to me.

I smiled, feeling the warmth from the mug creep up my arms. "Me too," I admitted.

"Thank you," he said.

I felt my eyebrows press down. "For what? You made the hot chocolate."

He laughed. "For giving me a chance. I know that I didn't deserve one."

"We all deserve chances," I said quickly, almost scolding him for the statement. "I pushed everyone away from me, and they still fought for my friendship. I didn't deserve that, but I needed it. I needed their friendship. Just like I need you."

It was the first time I had actually said that. I needed him. We needed each other. We had thrown so much ourselves away when we lost Evan. He had said best the previous night when he suggested that we hadn't lost part of ourselves when we lost Evan, we had just thrown them away when we lost him. We needed each other to find those pieces. Maybe we were the pieces, even. Whatever the reason was, I needed him. He was the light. If there was no Kris, there was the darkness of alone.

He could see the realization sinking into my skin as I thought over the confession. He abandoned his own mug to move back over to me, taking my mug from my hands to set it down gently before tugging me off of the counter. "I need you, too. And we should never be ashamed of admitting that we need one another." He pressed his lips against my forehead, pulling me into his frame once again. "We should just be thankful that we have one another."

I sighed, returning his embrace. "I am." And it was true. I was.

Alive

Managed to not take a week to update! I'm proud of myself. Thank you to those of you who took the time to comment on the last part, it was very appreciated. I really enjoyed the anon who thanked me for actually updating, haha.
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I was lost in the moment. Everything that had been keeping me from fully moving forward seemed to have let go, and I was moving at full speed.

I had no idea how long it had been since Kris had leaned down and kissed me, but I knew it wasn't long enough. My hands were grabbing handfuls of his hair, desperate to hang on to him, to keep him attached to me. His hands were causing the back of my shirt to ride up in centimeters, the roughness of his hands touching the tiny bit of exposed skin.

I could feel my lips swelling from the force of the passion. I was overwhelmed by a hunger that I didn't recognize. It seemed to foreign to me to be driven by this sense of desire. There was still a piece od my brain yelling at me to pull away from him, to stop. The sound of my heart beat was growing louder in my ears with each passing second, and with each rise of my blood pressure. I was losing control, I could feel it falling from me with each movement of our mouths. If I didn't want things to progress into something more than I could handle, I needed to stop.

Reluctantly, I placed a hand on the side of his face before finally seperating myself from him. I glanced over his face as soon as my eyes were open once more, seeing how red it had turned from the lack of oxygen, how heavily his chest heaved to try and make up for the lack of it. His lips were full and dark, small marks from where my teeth had teased the skin of his lower lip were visible. His hair was dishevelled, the top of it sticking straight up to one side in comical fashion. I could only imagine how distressed I appeared.

I tried to tame my own hair, feeling how loose it had become in the ponytail it was restricted in. I tugged down the back of my shirt, clearing my throat. "Well, that just happened."

Kris scratched the back of his head, trying to smoothe out his own hair. "That was unexpected."

I glanced over at the counter, my eyes landing on the tupperware of soup that he had brought over. I looked over at him, almost amused by how dazed he appeared. "You hungry?"

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The soup was luke warm by the time Kris and I had settled down at the tiny kitchen table to eat it. There was a silence that accompanied us, and for the first time since that day at the counselling centre that the silence was comforting. I welcomed it, thankful to just feel a sense of peace as opposed to the hectic waves of confusion that I had been suffering from.

"So," Kris spoke, looking up at me from his bowl of soup, "are we going to talk about what just happened?"

I placed my spoon down beside my nearly empty bowl and shrugged. "What would we say?"

He licked his lips, folding his hands in front of him on the table. "Katy, we can't just act as if nothing happened."

I shook my head. "That's not what I was implying at all. I'm just not really sure what to say. I'm actually not sure what happened. I wasn't really planning on kissing you it just sort of happened."

He nodded, letting out a small sigh. "I know we can't ignore this, but if moving past it is what you think is best, I understand." He reached across the table to grab one of my hands, sending a shock throughout my body that caught me by surprise. "I just want whatever is best for you. I'm here as much as you want me to be, or as little as you want me to be."

I felt my head tilt to the side, my shoulders sagging down a bit. "Three months ago, I probably would have asked you to stop talking to me," I reminded him, making him sigh once more. "I don't know what's changed, Kris. I think that one day at Evan's tombstone changed something inside of me. Maybe it's because it forced me to really realize that he wasn't here anymore. Whatever it was..."

I stopped, realizing that I wasn't even sure what I was trying to tell him. I looked over his face, seeing the eagerness written across it. He wanted me to explain. He wanted to understand these changes that had just suddenly hit me.

"I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to fill the bathtub with water and stay submerged as long as possible, just to quiet the depression. I don't want to come home and lie across the couch just so that I can stare up at the ceiling and concentrate on nothing."

"I don't want any of that, either," He said quickly. "I went through losing Luc by myself. I watched the Stanley Cup go to another team, and I watched my friend get laid to rest. Then, two years later, I lost both of my friends. I lost Evan because he died. I lost you because I was a mess and pushed you away. I've spent too much time being alone."

I nodded, licking my lips. "I have spent the last few weeks being so confused about everything. I felt guilty every time I felt happy, which is why I was putting up walls around you. But, I was told today that there's a beauty in happiness, so I should probably embrace it."

Kris let out a breath of air so drawn out that it seemed to take up moments. "Kaitlin, there is nothing more beautiful then you when you're smiling."

I felt a small tinge of guilt tug at the pit of my stomach, hoping it was hidden from my face. The way that Kris' eye were glistened with a sense of sadness let me know that it wasn't. "Katy, he would not want you to be miserable. There is no shame in being alive. Because that's what we are," he said, tightening his grip on my hand. "We're alive."

I nodded, swallowing the guilt. "I just didn't expect to feel any of this again."

Kris nodded. "When someone close to you dies, it feels like they take so much of you with them," he said, understanding me. "But they never really took anything, did they?" He asked, smiling a bit. "Maybe we just lost it?"

I felt a small chuckle escape from my lips. "Maybe we should go get it back then, huh?"

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Kris had long since left the apartment when Sara arrived home from work, looking so exhausted I was concerned that she may she fall over on the spot. "Long day?" I asked her, watching as she dragged herself into the kitchen and collapsed into one of the wooden chairs with a groan.

"Every part of my body hurts. Seriously, even my tastebuds are in pain from being overtired," she told me, yawning. "How was your day?"

I almost laughed, biting back the sound before it escaped. "It was interesting," I said, deciding it was the safest answer.

She nodded, glancing at the fridge with a look of longing. "Is there anything to eat?"

"There's some soup," I said, walking over to the fridge for her and grabbing the tiny bit of soup that was left over from Kris' visit. "You want some?"

"I worked through my break, Katy. I would probably eat a kitten right now, as long as I had some milk to wash it down with."

I made a face, pouring the soup into the bowl. "Well, thankfully we have soup, so no kittens will be harmed." I popped the bowl into the microwave, turning to face her as it warmed up. "I have something to tell you."

She looked at me, her dark hair flipped almost entirely onto one side of her head as she slumped in her seat. "Good or bad something?"

"Well, I guess that depends on how you feel about Kris now," I answered.

She sat up immediately, staring at me with a look of intensity. "Did you kill him?"

"What!? No, Sara," I said, laughing. "No, I didn't kill him. I just..." I bit my lip, shrugging a bit. "I think I might be falling in love with him."

Her face was blank as she heard the news, repeating it softly to herself before she shook her head, her hair falling back into place. "Wait, what? The guy who screamed at you three months ago, you think you're in love with him?"

"Sara, come on, you and I both know he was dealing with a lot of stuff then," I said sternly. "I've just realized that the only reason I've felt so miserable and alone is because I let that happen. And Kris, he lost Luc last year, and he had the distraction of the Stanley Cup finals and a busy summer to distract him, then the Stanley Cup, and then Evan died the next summer. He never had time to process any of that. Of course losing Evan made him go senial, he had nothing left."

Sara let out a loud sigh. "I know all of that is true, and I know Kris was a good guy before he turned all asshole on you, I'm just worried that this isn't what's best for you."

I nodded, turning around as the microwave beeped so that I could grab the soup for her, carrying t and a spoon to the table and setting it before her. "I understand that, and I'm glad that you're concerned. But, if there's one person who will understand how insane my emotions can become, and how much of me is still searching for missing pieces because of Evan, that one person is Kris."

Sara eyed me, seeming to choose her next words carefully. "I'm going to trust you on this one. Only because you've shown how strong and smart you are throughout all of your time in therapy. If you had chosen to drink away your sorrows, I would be-" she paused, making a face. "Actually, if you had chosen to drink away the pain, I'd have thrown your ass in rehab by now," she admitted. "Be careful, okay? I feel like I'm just starting to get the real Katy back. I don't want to lose her because some asshole hurt her, alright?"

I smiled. "I will be. I'm going to talk about it in my session tomorrow, actually, and see what Dr.Bailey thinks."

"Good," Sara concluded, picking up her spoon. "Did you two do something nasty, because you are seriously glowing and it's weirding me out."

I only laughed.

Confusing

The bath tub was filled. I stood at the edge of the tub after turning off of the water and stared at my reflection, watching the way my face was distorted with each ripple of water.

How could I possibly be feeling these emotions towards Kris? My mind had been solely focused on Evan for so long, trying to come to terms with losing him, trying to savour the way he had made me feel. When did they shift? When had I allowed myself to even humor the idea of feeling all of that with someone else, and when did that someone become Kris?

I placed one foot into the water, feeling the warmth and allowing it to creep up the rest of my leg before placing the other foot in as well. I stood there for a minute, still staring down at my reflection in the water. My stepping into the tub had caused the water to swirl, making it almost impossible to see my face. It had also captivated me, the way that a reflection was so easy to distort. I spent at least two minutes watching as the water calmed a bit and returned my face to the surface of the water before actually sitting down so almost my entire body was submerged.

The light that hung above the bathtub was blindingly bright. Sara referred to the bathroom as outer space because of the strength of the light versus the contrast of the dark walls. Sara's dad had installed the light after the one the apartment came with fell from the ceiling in the middle of the night. Sara and I never had the heart to tell him that the light he had installed was so bright that we almost had to wear sunglasses just to go in there, so we had learned to cope. There was a small lamp that sat on the counter, and we used that when the tub or shower wasn't in use. Sara hated the light. I had learned to find some sort of comfort in it's brightness.

With a deep inahle of air, I submerged myself, opening my eyes once I was hidden beneath the water so that the light was all I could see. I focused on it instead of the way my chest was tightening, begging me to fill it with more oxygen. I let my eyes feel the weight of the submerssion and the sting of the bright light at the same time. I let my head fill up with the quietness the water brought. It was the only thing that drowned out the worries in my head. Silenced the guilt that told me I was forbidden from feeling any of those emotions for anyone else. It was a break from the suffocation of my emotions, as ironic as that may be. Almost drowning myself was the only way I felt like I could "breathe."

The tightness in my chest became almost overwhelming, and I finally pushed myself upwards against, gasping for air as soon as I was above the water once more. My sudden re-emergance caused cup fulls of water to tidal wave over the dges of the tub, splattering onto the linolieum below it as I breathed, wiping at my sore eyes with the balled fists of my hands. The cries in my head were back. The guilt in my heart was soaring. The tiredness of my body was almost aching.

I glanced over at the time and pushed my sopping hair away from my face before grabbing the shampoo. I might as well actually have a bath before I had to head off for my therapy session.

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Dr. Bailey looked as though she wasn't sure what to tell me when I finished retelling the previous night's discovery to her. It was the first time I had actually admitted that Kris was the friend I had ranted and cried about in my earlier sessions. It was also the first time I had ever felt any form of affection for someone other than Evan. I knew I would eventually find someone again, as that's wat I was told many times, but I didn't expect it to be so soon.

She adjusted her glasses before smiling at me. "Katy, I know that the most obvious feeling you have right now is guilt, but there's no shame in feeling these emotions again."

I twiddled my thumbs together in my lap, shrugging slightly. "It's easy to hear that, but not easy to believe it. I feel like I'm betraying him. Kris was his best friend, and I'm just... I don't even know what I am."

Dr. Bailey smiled again, her eyes soft with understanding. "All victims of a loss experience this. It feels as if you're not allowed to feel joy or love again because they're unable to feel those things now. But that's not the case." She glanced down at her notepad momentarily, not looking back up at me before speaking again. "Katy, you've described Evan as the founder of your happiness a few times. He's also been called your oxygen, or the person responsible for holding you together. What I gathered from those references, is that Evan was a person who dedicated himself to keeping people's spirits up, is that right?" She looked to me, waiting for me to nod in agreement before continuing. "Katy, why would a person who strived to make you so happy, want you to live in a state of sadness? Why would Evan want you to be alone, carrying around this weight of depression?"

I could feel my emotions rising up in my throat, struggling to overtake me. "I know he wouldn't want me to be miserable. I just can't imagine that he'd want me to move on."

"Kaitlin," Dr. Bailey said sternly, looking as if she was actually upset by this confession, "if he were the kind of person who would rather you be alone then find comfort and life with someone else, then he the not the same man you described to me in earlier sessions." She paused, calming down once more. "If Kris was his best friend, and he and Evan were as close as you've said, I can't imagine him being upset that he's the one you turn to. Kris would be a man that Evan trusted and respected, and I have no doubts that the only thing Evan would want for you now, is for you to be happy once again. There's a beauty in happiness that we all overlook so often, Katy. Don't miss it yourself."

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Kris had been ushered out of the apartment moments after the realization set in. I had feigned a headache, as well as a sincere apology, and ushered him out before he could realize the fraud in my claim. Truthfully, the realization of what I was starting to feel was terrifying. It brought me back to the moment after the As Tall As Lions concert, when Evan kissed the back of my hand and told me I was "infuriatingly beautiful." I had been confused about what I was felt for him after the statement had been made, and maybe I had experienced the same feelings when Kris admitted he was in love with me.

I wanted to punch my fist through a wall, just to relieve some of the frustrations. I had been over-thinking every word that had ever been exchanged between Kris and I since our first run-in at the counselling centre months ago. When I had gone from being so mad at him, to... whatever I was right now?
I couldn't place the moment, and that alone made me even more furious. Why wasn't I as in control of my emotions as I would like to be? Why couldn't I have found Kris' change of heart and need to make sure I wasn't alone anymore annoying? Why did I seem to find comfort in his company?

My thoughts were pulled back into present time when someone knocked on the door, forcing me to pull myself off of the couch and head over to the door, still trying to sort my head out.

Kris stood on the other side of the door, looking tentative as he looked at me. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay," he said, offering a small smile. He held out a tupperware cup to me, still smiling. "I tried to make you some soup. I hope it doesn't make you more sick."

I took the container from him, almost chuckling at teh sweet gesture. "Thank you," I said, turning so I could walk into the kitchen and place the container down. I heard Kris step into the apartment behind me, the soft sound of the door clicking shut letting me know he wasn't leaving right away. I turned back around to look at him, crossing my arms as I looked him over, trying to see if there was a physical change that had maybe set me off.

"Are you feeling better?" Kris asked, looking at me in concern. "You ushered me out so fast yesterday, I was worried."

I felt bad for having lied to him but didn't want to admit that I was actually fine, health wise. "I feel a lot better. It must have just been something I ate," I lied.

Kris twisted his mouth to the side, glancing around the room. "You should come to another game," he said, walking over to where I was so we were standing side by side. "I think I play better when you're there," he joked, nudging me with his elbow.

I forced a smile. "Yeah, I'm sure I can make it out to another game sometime," I agreed, clearing my throat. "Do you have practice today?"

"I just came from practice," he said, seeming almost amused by the question. "How sick are you? Are you sure you're okay?"

I swatted the hand he was reaching towards my forhead away, laughing despite my best efforts. "I'm fine, I just lost track of time, I guess."

He grinned, pointing his index finger at me and chuckling everytime I ducked before he could touch my face. "Look at that," he said, lowering his hand with the grin still intact.

I calmed myself down, looking at him. "What?"

His grin softened into a smile. "You're laughing. You don't do much of that anymore."

I shrugged, crossing my arms again. "There hasn't been much to laugh about in the last year, I guess."

"You should look harder," he said, placing a hand on the counter so he could lean to the side a bit. "When you're laughing and actually happy, you're like a ball of light."

The sentence caused me to stare up at him in awe. It wasn't the first time Kris had said something that drew attention to our similiarities in the coping method, but the comparison of my laugh to light made something flutter inside of me.

Kris's mouth turned down at the sides a bit, concern etching across his face. "Kaitlin? Are you okay?" He asked, noticing the change in my face.

I opened my mouth, trying to think of a proper response for him. How did I admit that his telling me I was like a light was only adding fuel to these feelings. The way he looked so geniunely worried didn't help either. The words to explain that I had realized I was falling in love with him didn't surface, but as if my body controlled itself, I reached a hand out and placed it on the side of his face, causing his face to shift from concern to confused as he tried to grasp what was happening. I wasn't even sure myself, but there was no pause in my movements as I slid my hand to the back of his head and drew him nearer to me, allowing our lips to press gently against each other's. It was a soft peck, one that felt as if it had barely happened.

I let my hand drop from my his head, moving back a step to look at him. He was processing, trying to figure out what had just happened. He looked to me for the answer, his mouth open a bit. "Did you just..." he stopped, lifting a hand up to his mouth and touching his lips gently. It was as if that movement confirmed what had happened for him, and seconds later he had stepped towards me, both hands wrapping around me as he leaned down to caputre my lips again.

All of the screams inside of my head were silent.

The Light

This chapter has been in the works since the very first chapter, as I'm sure you'll see. Thank you to those of who comment on the story. I know it's not as "fun" to read as the Sidney story was, or a lot of stories on here, but I'm glad you stick with it :)
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“Are you sure you’re okay?” Kris asked, keeping a careful eye on me as I finished off the last of my glass of milk.

“I’m fine, Kris. Stop worrying.” I set the glass into the sink, running a hand through my hair. “Stop looking at me like I’m about to just drop at any second.”

“Well, to be fair, you did just fall over a few hours ago,” Kris reminded, a cheeky smile on his face. “I’m just worried about you.”

I nodded, crossing my arms as I glanced across the apartment. “Well, I think I’m good now, so-”

“He told me to look after you,” Kris said suddenly, his face flushing as he did so.

I shook my head a bit. “What? Who said that?”

“Evan. In the dream I had, he told me I had to take care of you,” he said, his face still tinging.

I felt my heart race increase a bit, a sense of confusion trying to push its way to the forefront of my emotions. I took a deep breath, fighting to keep calm. “You dreamt that Evan came and told you to take care of me?”

Kris rubbed the back of his neck, not answering right away. “Yes.” I shook my head once more, making a move to leave the kitchen. “Wait, Kaitlin,” he said, racing forward to stop me from leaving. “I can’t help what I dream, you can’t be mad at me because of that.”

I moved away from him so he wouldn’t reach out and touch me, seeing that his hand had inched forward when the intention of doing just that. “I don’t care what you dreamt. I just don’t like you saying it as if he came back to give you those instructions.”

Kris let out a sigh, one that echoed off the walls of my apartment. “You can think whatever you want, I’m not trying to tell you that Evan spoke to me in a dream. What I am saying, is that I had a dream where my wrongs were shown to me.” He paused, seeming to try and search for the proper way of explaining this to me. “Evan, in my dream, just kept telling met that I was leaving you alone. He kept yelling that I was supposed to watch over you for him, but instead, I was pushing you away.”

“That wasn’t Evan coming back in some supernatural way,” I told him, undecided between being angry or saddened by the details of the dream. “That was probably your subconscious telling you what an asshole you were being.”

He glanced down at his feet, giving his head a gentle nod. “Maybe,” he agreed, lifting his head up to look at me once more, pieces of his hair falling into his face. “Whatever it was, it was right.” He pursed his lips together for a moment before taking a step towards me, eyeing me to see how I reacted to the change in distance between us. “Kaitlin, I am so sorry. I am so sorry that I put you in more pain then you were already in. I’m sorry that I as cruel to you, and that I made things harder for you. I am sure that I will never be able to make up for all of that, but you need to know that I am here now.”

I licked my lips, suddenly aware of how dry they were. “Kris, you’re not in debt to me. Were you a jerk? Yes. But, you were just dealing with the loss in an unhealthy way, and now you’re getting help, and there’s no need for you to act like you owe me something, okay? I don’t need you to follow me around offering apologies just because you feel bad about something you can’t change.” I uncrossed my arms, tugging down at the hem of my shirt. “I think I’m okay now. You don’t have to stay here and baby-sit me.”

“That’s not why I am here,” he said, frowning.

I glanced over at him for a moment, seeing the concern plastered over his face. I tore my eyes away from him before that feeling of sympathy became too strong. “Well, whatever your reason is, I’m fine. I’m probably just going to sleep, anyways, and you should head home and do the same. You have practice in the morning, right?”

“Katy, why do you do this?” Kris asked, following me out of the tiny kitchen and into the living room.

I fixed the cushions of the couch, noticing that the one on the middle was beginning to slide out a bit. “Do what?”

I heard him sigh from behind me before he stepped forward and gently grabbed my arm, turning me around so I was facing him. “You tell me that we need to help each other, but when I’m here trying to help you, you push me away.”

I was forced to look up at him this time, my eyes meeting his when I lifted my face. I could see the emotions surging inside of Kris, the same ones I had felt after that day in the diner. Sidney had recognized it as longing, and as I took in Kris’ features, noticing the way that his eyes sagged with a sadness I had felt deep within myself for so long, I saw the same longing in him.

I stepped away from him before I became too entranced, feeling his hand slide softly down my arm as I was out of his grip. “I don’t mean to, I just,” I sighed, running a hand through my hair again. “Things are so weird in my head right now. I don’t know how I feel.”

He seemed to stiffen a bit. “How you feel… about me?”

I bit my lower lip for a second. “About anything.” I sat down on the edge of the couch, placing my elbows on my knees so I could let my hands rest on the sides of my head. “There’s just so much happening now. There’s days that I want to be surrounded by people, and days where I want to be completely isolated. Sometimes I want you and I to be close again, and then sometimes I wish…” I didn’t finish the sentence, not wanting to cause anymore pain to Kris.

He was silent for a few moments. I could see him out of the corner of my eye, standing stoically at the edge of the couch. His body seemed to relax suddenly, and I heard him let out a loud breath of air before he knelt down before me, forcing me to look at him once more. “I understand that you are confused. And I understand that you may want to be alone some days. But you need to understand that being alone is the worst thing we could be ever be.” He took my hands away from my face, surprising me with the action. “I tried to hide. I tried to push you and everyone else away. I took everything I felt, and I hid it in my anger. I know that you were smarter about getting help, but that doesn’t mean that you are stronger.”

I felt the prickle of tears pushing at the back of my eyes but fought it off as much as I could, pulling my hands out of Kris’. “There’s just too much to deal with when you’re around, Kris,” I told him, feeling my voice waver as I spoke. “I don’t know what it is, but everything in my head feels cloudy when you show up now.”

I saw something light up inside of his eyes, and a flicker of a smile sprung across his face before it disappeared. Kris nodded, standing up once more. “If you would like me to leave you alone now, I will. But I will not let you be alone anymore.” He waited for me to tell him if I was still anxious for him to be gone or not, peering down at me with a look of patience that seemed so alien on him.

I looked past him and over at the clock in the kitchen, realizing that Sara was just starting her last class of the night, meaning I would be alone for at least three more hours. I glanced back at Kris, seeing that he was still waiting for a response, the same look of patience on his face. I fidgeted a bit in my seat, glancing quickly around the apartment before my eyes returned to his face. “Do you have to be up early?” I asked.

Kris smiled, shaking his head. “No, there isn’t any practice tomorrow.”

“You told me there was,” I argued, pointing at him accusingly.

He sat down on the other end of the couch, an amused smirk on his face. “No, you assumed I had practice. I never told you that there was a practice.”

I frowned at him, the two of us falling back into silence. I debated the next subject before finally choosing to bring it up. “I’m sorry that I only talk about you loosing Evan,” I said quietly. I could see Kris’s head move to look at me as I said the sentence. “I always forget that you lost Luc, too. I don’t mean to, I just get so wrapped up in my own misery, I guess.” I glanced up at him, seeing the intensity in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Kris.”

He didn’t respond right away, but when he went to speak I could hear the cracks in his voice, showing the emotions that the mention of Luc brought up. “I can’t talk about Luc. Evan I can handle, because everyone knew him, but Luc…” he cleared his throat, giving his head a small shake. “I can’t talk about him. Not with you.” He pulled his gaze away from me, still shaking his head. “Not yet.”

The look of pain that had splashed across his face so suddenly made me want to engulf him in a hug and tell him that I was there for him. Moments before I wanted him to leave my alone, but as soon as I saw the pain that he felt, I wanted nothing more than to be near him and help him. The flash of emotions that he made me feel was no longer as confusing as it was frustrating.

Kris opened his mouth to try and talk once more, but all he managed to voice was a squeak before he clamped his mouth shut and turned his head away from me. It was the first time he and I had ever discussed Luc. Kris was already at the point of cutting me out when Luc had passed, and Evan had constantly told me to not bother him about it. Watching Kris’s reaction only showed me how much pain must be inside of him. The out of control anger and antis that he had shown after Evan died made sense. Kris wasn’t just acting out over Evan, he was still in pain from losing Luc. I could hardly imagine going through that twice.

I took a look over at him, seeing the way his eyes had glossed over with tears. There was no more debating it. In one swift movement I had slid across the couch so I was beside him, turning him so that I could wrap my arms around him, allowing him to place his face on my shoulder and cry. It was an odd moment, with him being so vulnerable and myself being so composed, but all I could think about was how desperately I wanted him to not feel so lost anymore. I wanted to take every piece of pain he had ever felt and replace it with something. Something that would fill him with complacency, and bring the smile I had grown so familiar to when we were still friends back. I wanted him to wake up and feel the life inside of him. I wanted to laugh, and feel the passion he used to be so overwhelmed by. I just wanted him to feel alive. I wanted him to feel… something.

Kris lifted his face off of my shoulder and turned away from me, probably wiping the tears from his face. He took in a few deep breaths before he turned back to me, his nose red and his eyes still watery. “I’m sorry,” he said, gesturing to my now wet shoulder. “I didn’t mean to become so sad.”

I almost laughed, looking at the wet spot. “It’s okay. You need to let all of those feeling out sometimes, Kris. It’s not good to fight all of that off.”

He nodded, still trying to calm himself down. “I appreciate you being here for me.”

I nodded back, looking over his face. Kris turned so that he was looking out at the rest of the room, sighing loudly. I looked him over, still feeling as if all I wanted was for this sadness to be out of him. I used to describe Evan as my oxygen. Not enough and I could barely survive, too much and I was on a high. Kris was like a light. He was the person who took those dark spots of life and brightened them. He was the person that made me laugh when my parents made me crazy. He and Evan used to record fake raps for me and mail them to me when they were on the road. He was like the sunshine, as lame as that may sound. He took those cold spots of life and seemed to warm them up. When I lost Evan, I told Dr. Bailey that I had lost the light in my life. Looking at Kris, as he struggled to compose himself once more, I wanted to see that light again.

The thought made me freeze for a moment as my mind flashed back to earlier therapy sessions. I had constantly described the darkness in my life as the lack of light. I spent the first few months discussing how badly I needed that light back. Evan was the air that I had needed to survive. Kris was the light I needed to find my way. But what was it that Dr. Bailey had once told me the light was?

Kris sighed beside me, drawing me out of my trance. He glanced at my shoulder once more, his mouth tugging up into a lopsided smile as he looked back at me. “At least I did not get snot on your shirt, right? That would have made quite the mess.”

I let out a small laugh, agreeing. “You would have owed me a new shirt.”

“I guess it’s good I make quite a bit of money,” he said, trying to fix his hair. “I probably spend most of it on hair products, though.”

I shook my head at him, a bemused smile on my face. “Do you want to watch hockey highlights? I think there’s a few Western conference games still going.”

He nodded, grabbing the remote off of the table and looking down at it. “The numbers are gone.”
“No, they’re still there. They’re just really hard to see,” I told him.

He let out a small chuckle. “Do you mind if I turn on a light?” He asked, already reaching for the lamp next to him.

I nodded, watching as it flickered on so he could see the remote better. The light cascaded across his face, drawing even more attention to his features. To the way his eyelashes were so long that they touched his eyebrows when he looked up. The way the stubble across his face somehow caused your eyes to settle on his lips before looking anywhere else. He was illuminated in front of me as he looked for the right button to push, the light sitting just behind him.

Just as Kris found the button to turn the TV on and began searching for the right channel, I was hit the answer I had been looking for before. The realization hit me so hard that I almost felt winded, falling back against the couch. The small frustrations in life had been described to me as those clusters of darkness. She had told me that they swallow you, and the test is to see if you’re strong enough to fight your way out of it, or if you surrender to it and let it swallow you whole. And the light, that thing that saved your life, made you fee invincible and gave you the strength to fight through the hardships?

It was love.

Caught

I am sorry this took almost a week to get out. I'm already starting on the next part, so it shouldn't be as long.
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The atmosphere at the arena was contagious. The Philadelphia Flyers were in town, the Penguins biggest rivals, and the crowd was filled with a sense of anxiety and adrenaline, each breath inhaled sucking more of the energy into their lungs. I found myself falling into the mix of emotions alongside the, booing as soon as the first Flyer set foot onto the ice, and screaming with glee when Marc appeared for the Penguins, leading the team out onto the ice.

“I’m so glad you decided to come,” Vero yelled into my ear. “I can’t handle being at these games alone. If they lose, Marc is a complete wreck.”

“I didn’t really have a much of a choice,” I admitted, not taking my eyes off of the ice as the players skated around before lining up for the anthems, “But I’m glad I came, too.”

She smiled, falling silent with the rest of the arena as the singer lifted the mic and began to sing the Star Spangled Banner. I glanced behind me, looking at the sea of black and gold jersey’s behind me. It used to be a more familiar sight for me. Now, I almost felt out of place. I still felt the distance between myself and the team out on the ice, the team full of former friends. Maybe Marc and Sidney could be counted as true friends now, but the rest of them were still unsure of who I was. At times, I was unsure as well.

“You have your thinking face,” Vero said to me as soon as we had sat down.

I smiled, glancing at her. “Yeah, sorry. It’s still weird to be here. I know I’ve already been to a couple of games since Evan’s passing, but-”

“Now that you’ve actually seen all of them again, you can’t ignore how much has changed?” She finished.

I sighed, tugging at the oversized Fleury jersey I had been handed when Vero picked me up. “Yeah.” I glanced up at the ice, noticing that the game had started. “It was so much easier to ignore how many things needed to be fixed when I kept to myself.”

“Yes, but you were also not showering and not leaving the house at that time,” Vero reminded, her eyes on the ice.

“No point in showering if I’m not leaving the house,” I muttered, ignoring the jab in the ribs she gave me.

By the time the first period had ended, Eric Godard and Dan Carcillo had fought, followed minutes later by Mike Rupp and Scott Hartnell pairing off. Mike Richards scored on the following four on four, causing the entire arena to groan with disappointment. The Pens had managed a two on one breakaway three minutes after the Flyers goal, by Geno fanned on his pass and it was easily picked up by Danny Brier, who moved away from Jordan Staal’s check, carried the puck all the way down the ice and easily shot it top shelf over Fleury’s blocker.

“Oh, it’s not going to be a good night,” Vero whined, her face falling to her hands.

I patted her shoulder in an attempt to comfort her. “There’s still two periods left. The Pens can come back.”

“Yes, but look at the shots on net,” Vero said, pointing up.

I glanced, wincing a bit as I noted that the Pens were leading in shots, but still losing the game. Marc had allowed 2 goals on 10 shots, and the way he had slowly skated off of the ice showed how wrapped in disappointment he was.

Vero let out a long sigh, watching as all of the Penguins left the ice for the first intermission before turning to look at me. “I’m glad you came to the game.”

“I’m still trying to decide if I’m glad or not,” I admitted. “And it’s not because of the current score,” I added, smiling lightly.

Vero smirked at me. “It’s good you came. We’ve all missed you.”

I nodded, the two of us having to stand up and let a couple of fellow Pittsburgh fans though. “It’s just… how am I supposed to act now? Kris is all ‘Oh, Katy, I hate you, everything is your fault.’ Then he has a change of heart is and all, ‘Oh, just kidding, I’ve actually been in love with you since before you started dating Evan.’ What am I supposed to do now?”

Vero let out a laugh, clearly amused by my dilemma. “Kaitlin, Kristopher isn’t going to do anything. He just needs you back in his life. You keep forgetting that Kris has lost two close friends in the last couple of years. Don’t make him lose you, too.”

I sighed, rubbing my forehead. “I always forget about Luc. Not because he isn’t important, just because-”

“You never knew him. I know,” Vero comforted, patting my arm. “He never went to therapy for Luc, you know? So, when he lost Evan, too, it hit him twice as hard. He wasn’t finished dealing with the loss of one friend, and all of a sudden, the other one is gone, too.”

I felt sick suddenly, a whirlwind of guilt and sadness swirling inside of the pit of my stomach. Luc and I had never actually met, but he and Kris’ friendship had never been a secret. My friendship with Kris had already begun to tear at the seams, and when Evan called to tell me what had happened, I was unsure of how to act. Kris never returned my calls, and when I finally saw him again, almost two months later, he refused to discuss it. At the time, I assumed Kris could cope better than most. Now, I realized he had never dealt with it.

“Katy, are you okay?” Vero asked, looking concerned.

“How did I forget?” I asked.

“Katy, don’t do this. You lost your boyfriend. It’s understandable if other details slipped your mind.”

“But he lost both of his best friends,” I reminded her, suddenly close to tears. “Vero, how could I forget that? How did I not put the facts together? Of course he couldn’t function properly after Evan died. He literally lost everything.”

Vero was silent for a moment, placing a hand on top of mine in comfort. “He hasn’t lost everything,” she finally said, softly. “He still has you. Let him know that.”

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The Penguins lost to the Flyers. It was the third loss in a row. Marc was pulled out of the net five minutes into the second period, after the Flyers made the score 4-0 on their first two shots of the period. Geno managed to answer back once, and three minutes into the third, Tyler Kennedy scored the second for the Pens, but it wasn’t enough.

Vero was muttering to herself in French, while the rest of the arena was drained of the adrenaline that it had been so full of before. I felt tired, the hope that I had been holding onto for the duration of the game now gone, and a headache from the guilt Vero’s reminder had hit me with drowning out everything else.

“Come on, we’re going to find my boyfriend and get him drunk,” Vero said, grabbing my arm and tugging me off to the side, where the guards helped us down into the tunnel area so we could find the team. “They have three days off now, and I can’t handle him after a loss to the Flyers,” she added. I only nodded, following behind her.

The first Penguins we spotted was Brooks Orpik, who was being interviewed by Dan Potash just outside of the Penguins dressing room. The look of frustration that was etched across his face was enough to make me want to turn and run before the rest of the team was before me. If Orpik was this visibly ticked, I could only imagine the velocity of anger raging inside Marc, Sidney and Kris, the three most emotional of the team. As if she could read my mind, Vero turned around and grabbed my hand, holding me next to her as we waited for the team to finish showering and changing so they could emerge from the room.

There was a sense of anxiety boiling inside of me. I was beginning to feel dizzy, and the headache I was fighting seemed to be gaining strength with each throb. “Vero,” I groaned, using my free hand to grab my head. “Vero, I think I’m going to be sick.”

She looked at me, clearly trying to read whether I was lying to escape, or genuinely sick. “What’s wrong?”

“My head,” I muttered, freeing my other hand from her so I could cradle my head in both hands. “I feel like my head is splitting in half.”

“Katy?”

I cracked an eye open to see Kris standing before me, his wet hair still dripping at the very ends, soaking the collar of his shirt. “What’s wrong, are you sick?”

“Kris, I’m so sorry,” I groaned, suddenly so dizzy that I was seeing doubles of him. “I’m so sorry that…”

Kris had reached out to try and steady me, saying something quickly to Vero in French. “Kaitlin, look at me. Come on, you’re okay, look at me.”

“Luc… I’m sorry that Luc,” I stopped, swallowing hard. “And then Evan… and I’m…”

And then it was black.

---------------------------------

When I awoke, I was in the medical room of the Pittsburgh Penguins, a man I had never seen before peering down at me. “Can you tell me your name?” He asked.

I licked my lips, my mouth feeling dry. “What happened?”

“Tell me your name, then we’ll answer some questions,” he said.

I sat up a bit, my head still hurting, but the pain not as immense. “Kaitlin Fraser.”

He nodded, moving away from me a bit. “Good. Kaitlin, you fainted in the hallway. Do you know why?”

I shook my head lightly, glancing around the room. “No. I just know I felt really sick suddenly.”

“Your body had to shut down for a few minutes,” he said, handing me a bottle of water, which I eagerly chugged. “Your sugar levels were dangerously low. Have you been eating properly?”

I sighed, setting the now half bottle to rest on the table next to me. “I ate the most filling sandwich ever yesterday, and today…” I frowned, trying to remember what I had eaten. “I don’t remember.”

“You didn’t eat anything,” he informed me. “I was informed that you’re back in therapy. Is there some emotional turmoil that may be affecting your appetite?”

I frowned. “I think I just forgot to eat, that’s all. I was in therapy for ten months before I started up again, and there was only a two month break in between. I’ve just been busy, that’s all.”

“Well, you need to eat. It’s clear that you’re not getting all of the nutrition your body needs, and if you continue to neglect it, your body will shut down. If your sugar levels drop enough, it will put you in a coma. This is a serious issue, Ms. Fraser.” He waved a finger at me. “Your friends are in the other room. I’m going to grab some pudding for you to eat before you leave, though. Stay here,” he instructed.

Kris, Vero and Marc rushed into the room as soon as they were allowed to, all three of them asking questions at the same time. I held a hand up to silence them all. “I’m fine. I just forgot to eat, and I fainted because my sugar levels were too low. But that doctor who never told me his name is getting me pudding.”

Marc laughed, sitting on the edge of the table I was on. “That’s Cory. He’s the head of our medical staff. As soon as you passed out, Vero ran to get him.”

“Why aren’t you eating?” Kris asked, looking at me with concern.

“I just forgot too, that’s all,” I answered, rubbing the back of my neck. “How long was I out?”

“Only about twenty minutes,” Vero answered. “But don’t you scare us like that again, Katy. I was really worried.”

I smiled. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to freak you guys out.”

“Did you actually forget to eat?” Kris asked quietly. “Or is there something you’re not telling us?”

I looked at him for a moment, biting my lip lightly. “I just forgot. I wouldn’t do something like this for attention, I promise.”

Marc cleared his throat. “Veronique and I are going to head out. I’d invite you, but I don’t think Katy should be out drinking.”

I let out a soft laugh. “Probably not the best idea, no.”

“I can drive her home,” Kris said, nodding to them.

“I’m not allowed to eat until I have my pudding,” I told him, causing all three of them to laugh. “No, seriously. I was told not to leave until he brought my pudding.”

“Then we’ll wait for your pudding.” Kris said. “But then I’m taking you home. You need to eat and sleep this off,” he said.

I nodded, peering around him as I noticed Cory appear once more, a tiny cup of vanilla pudding in his hand. “Thank you,” I said, taking it from him.

“What should she eat?” Kris asked. “Anything she shouldn’t have right now?”

“Her sugar levels are low,” Cory reminded him. “Maybe some ice cream, something that’s easy for her stomach to deal with. Tomorrow, she has to get lots of protein. Her body couldn’t handle something as filling as steak right now, but tomorrow it will need it. Eggs, meat, cheese, eat lots of that. Stay away from too much salt right now, for at least two days.” He looked over at me. “You gave them quite the scare there, Ms. Fraser.”

I smiled, my mouth full of pudding.

Kris let out a small laugh, grabbing a tissue from the box near him and handing it to me. “I’ll make sure she gets all of that,” he promised, handing the tissue to me. “You’ve got a little pudding.” He said, pointing to his chin.

Cory nodded, scribbling something down on a piece of paper. “Here’s the recommended servings for you. You’ll have to really watch what you eat for the next few days, but this isn’t a permanent diet.” He handed the paper to Kris. “You’re lucky he was here to catch you when you fainted. You could have smacked your head pretty hard, otherwise.”

I looked over at Kris who was turning red. “You caught me?”

He cleared his throat. “I couldn’t let you hurt yourself,” he explained, his voice soft.

“You should head home. You need to get some more food, and a good night’s rest,” Cory said, grabbing Kris’ shoulder. “Take care of her, buddy.”

Kris nodded, waiting for Cory to leave before looking at me. “Are you okay to walk on your own, or do you need help?”

“I’m sure I’m fine,” I said, tossing my now empty pudding cup into the small trash can and swinging my feet over the edge, standing up fully and nearly falling over. Kris immediately reached out to steady me, making me sigh. “Maybe I need a little help,” I admitted, feeling embarrassed.

Kris laughed, placing an arm around my waste so he support me. “That’s fine. I’m here to help,” he said, helping me out of the room.

In Dreams

I arrived at the diner before Kris did, giving me enough time to sit down with a glass of iced tea and a bagel smothered in too much cream cheese. I had instinctively moved towards the table in the far corner of the diner, the one that was right beside the window and overlooked the street. It was the same place Evan and I would sit every time we came into the diner. I debated sitting somewhere else, but I knew that avoiding reminders only held off the process of being okay.

Just the sight of the diner brought back so many memories that had been hidden in the back of mind, covered up with the guilt of knowing it was me he was coming to see when Evan died, and the weight of the looming sadness that was always there. Just the smell of the diner brought me back to the days spent there, sitting across from Kris and Evan as they ate those disgusting sandwiches. The bright pictures on the wall made me remember the number of times Kris and I had laughed as Evan tried to make up a background story for why the picture was painted. It was a place full of memories, and I was struggling to keep myself in the present.

Kris arrived moments later, his car keys still in his hand as he entered into the place. He nodded to the lady behind the counter, letting her know that he’d have his usual before he headed over to me, sliding into the booth across from me. “I’m glad you chose to sit here.”

I felt my right eyebrow inch up a bit. “You are?”

He nodded, licking his lips before letting out a small laugh. “I have never convinced myself to sit here. Travis and I sit at the table,” he nodded behind him to the table I had found Travis at weeks before. “Neither one of us could ever bring ourselves to sit over here. It just seemed wrong, you know?”

I nodded, completely understanding of what he meant. “It makes you feel like you’re waiting for him to join you, because it was his table, too.”

Kris bit his lip, a hint of a smile appearing. “Exactly.” He leaned back as the waitress carried over the disgusting sandwich, setting it down in front of him with a gentle smile. He waited for her to return to the front of the diner before he moved the plate, watching me as he did so. “You want to try it?”

I felt my face melt into a frown. “Are you kidding?”

He laughed, picking up one half of the disgusting mess, the mix of gravy and horseradish already dripping from the sides. “Come on, you’ve never given it a chance.”

“Why would I give it a chance? Kris, that thing is having sandwich diarrhoea all over the plate, and you think I want to put that in my mouth?” I asked, sending him a warning glance before he commented on the last question.

“Katy, this is honestly the most wonderful sandwich ever,” he attempted, moving the sandwich closer to me. “You’re not even going to humor me?”

“I did humor you, I showed up here,” I said, swatting at his hand and pressing back against the booth as the action caused more of the gravy to drip from the sandwich, splattering on the table in front of me.

“Katy,” Kris said, laughing lightly, “come on! You know that Ev and I always had great taste. We wouldn’t spend years eating a sandwich that was not good.”

“I don’t believe that. You two also spent three years believing that Bon Jovi was the greatest musician in existence.”

“He is the greatest!” Kris shouted, looking embarrassed as soon as the exclamation had left his mouth. He sighed, setting the sandwich on the plate and shoving it towards me. “Come on, try it. You’re curious, admit it.”

“I am not eating that.” I said indignantly, pushing the plate back towards him. “Is this why I had to meet you here, so you could try and force me to eat this coma sandwich?”

“No, I wanted to-” he stopped, tilting his head to the side a bit, half of a smile appearing. “Coma sandwich?”

I sighed. “I just feel like taking a bite of that will lead to my falling into eternal sleep and dying.”

Kris nodded, a soft chuckle escaping his lips as he looked down at the table top. “They named it after him.”

I felt my eyebrows press down together. “What?”

He lifted his eyes up to look at me. “The sandwich. They renamed it the Evan Avenger.”

I felt myself let out a small chuckle, shaking my head. “Because his Midget team was the Avenger’s,” I realized, letting out another soft sigh. I glanced down at the sandwich again, chewing on my lip for a moment. “It’s actually good?” I asked, looking back at Kris.

He nodded, a grin already forming. “It’s the greatest sandwich ever, Katy. I promise.”

I had to take a moment to prepare myself, pushing up the sleeves of my light cardigan and rolling my shoulders back before I picked the thing up, trying not to make a face as a splot of horseradish clumsily fell from the edge of the bread and into the puddle already forming on the plate. I ignored the sounds of Kris’s giggles, moving the sandwich towards my mouth, shutting my eyes so that the sight of the monstrous mess wouldn’t scare from me actually taking a bite.

It felt as if it took forever before I finally sunk my teeth into the bread, nearly dropping the whole thing right then. The excessive amount of gravy and horseradish had caused the bread to feel soggy, despite its being toasted. The parmesan cheese had a stringy texture to it that I greatly dislike, and I took a bite and chewed it on, I tried not to focus on the actual feeling of the sandwich. Instead, I tried to think about how perfectly cooked the beef was, or how there was a hint of pepper that I hadn’t expected. Despite it’s stringy feeling, the cheese actually seemed to add to the taste, mixing with the horseradish and pepper in a friendly fashion. I found myself opening my eyes in shock and staring down at the sandwich as I chewed the bite I had taken.

“It’s amazing, isn’t it?” Kris asked, grabbing the other half of the sandwich.

I had to fully chew and swallow the bite of sandwich I had taken before I could even speak. “Oh my God. My life has just been changed.”

He grinned, lifting his half of the sandwich up to me in a fake toast before taking a bite himself.

---------------------------------

“There was an actual reason for me wanting you hear,” Kris said after the plate had been cleared and he and I were finished devouring the sandwich.

I looked over at him, feeling slightly nauseous from how fast I had eaten. “Oh really? And what was that for?”

He seemed to gulp, shaking his head so that his hair fell around his face before he brushed it all away. “I was hoping you would come to our game tomorrow night.”

I sat up straighter in my seat. “Why?”

He sighed, looking away from me and out the window. “I don’t know. I just… want you there?” He said, looking back over at me.

I hesitated before speaking again. “Who are you playing?”

“The Devils.”

“I fucking hate them!” I said, slamming a fist onto the table, startling him slightly before apologizing, thankful we were the only ones in the diner.

“You can bring Sara. If not, Vero will sit with you,” he said. “I just have realized that I need those pieces of my past. And you’re a part of that.”

I nodded, brushing away some crumbs that were on the table. “It’s just that things are kind of weird still, you know?” I asked, peeking up at him. “Ever since that one time at your house-”

“I know,” he said, cutting me off before I could finish the sentence. “Maybe I shouldn’t have told you. But, I thought it was best you know. I thought it might offer some reasoning behind my past behaviour.” He seemed to hesitate for a second before quietly adding, “Love can make you crazy, you understand that.”

I felt a pang inside of my chest, just as I had the last time he had confessed his feelings. The intensity of it was stronger than the last time, but it felt like a different form of pain. The earlier sting had evoked a feeling of guilt so passionate that I had overwhelmed by it, nearly collapsing into the apartment when I left his house. This time, I felt… I wasn’t sure what it was that I felt.

Kris glanced down at his watch and pursed his lips. “I have to head off for my work-out session,” he said, grabbing his keys off of the table.

“You have a workout session now?” I asked, surprised.

He smiled slightly. “Kind of. Brooks has convinced me to workout with him, he says that it will help me to be stronger on my back-check and all that silly stuff.”

I nodded, looking up at him. “Well, good luck.”

He eyed me for a second. “Are you just going to sit here and wait until I leave?”

I let out a small chuckle. “Yes.”

He laughed, “Come on, I’ll walk you to your car.”

I agreed, scooting out of the booth and following him out to the small parking lot, noticing that we had parked at opposite ends of the lot. “You came in a different way then me?”

He shrugged, “I came from a different direction.” He cleared his throat. “Well, I will see you at the game tomorrow. I’ll tell the guys, they’ll be excited that you’re there.”

I smiled. “I’m glad they don’t hate me.”

Kris frowned, looking as if the confession actually angered him. “Why would they hate you?”

“I totally fell out of contact with them after Evan’s accident. They were all so nice to me when I saw them, and I actually considered them friends. Then, I just stopped talking to them, and stopped taking their calls.”

He nodded, seeming to understand. “It was understandable, though. I mean, it was devastating to everyone, but obviously it would hurt you the most.”

I nodded, the two of us standing in silence for a good two minutes before I lifted my head up to look at him, noticing that he was in a trance, staring over at his car. “Kris?” I asked, earning his attention. “What did cause the change? I mean, the sudden change?”

He seemed confused for a moment, opening his mouth but not saying anything.

“With the anger. One minute you couldn’t control your anger and were just snapping, at me, at Chris Neil, apparently at your team mates, the next you’re fine. What changed?” I clarified.

Kris shut his eyes. “My concussion.”

“Your concussion?” I asked, confused.

He opened his eyes again, looking straight at me. “Yes.”

I made a bit of a face. “Okay?”

He let out a long sigh. “When I was really out of it because of all the drugs I was on, and maybe because my head hit the ice, I had a bit of a dream.”

I was curious now. “What was it about?”

He shook his head. “No, I don’t want to discuss it.” He took a step away from me. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Kris,” I said, grabbing his arm before he could get any farther from me. “What was it about?”

He twisted his mouth to the side for a second, trying to find the proper way to explain his dream. “I just dreamt that Evan was talking to me.”

I felt my heart rise up into my throat. “What did he say?”

Kris looked as if he wanted to avoid the answer before he cleared his throat again. “He told me I had to take care of you. He told me…” he stopped, shaking his head. “I can’t talk about this, Katy, I’m sorry,” he said, tugging his arm away from me and walking away. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I watched him walk away, confusion engulfing me as I did so.

----------------------------

“Thank God you’re home,” Sara yelled as I stepped into the apartment. “You have a visitor.”

I almost didn’t hear her, the earlier events still distracting my mind. Between the ache that I had felt but couldn’t place in the diner, and Kris’ refusal to further answer my question, I was too distracted to really focus on her. “What?” I asked, realizing that she had spoken.

Sara shot me an annoyed look. Instead of repeating herself, she merely pointed into the living room, causing me to step around the corner and notice Sidney sitting on the couch, waving to him. “How long have you been here?” I asked, kicking my shoes off.

“Too long,” Sara answered.

Sidney rolled his eyes, sighing. “Apparently she hates me.”

“Don’t take it personally, she hates everyone,” I assured him. “What brings you here?”

“I wanted to make sure you were okay. I knew you and Tangers were meeting for lunch, and I also know things can be weird with you two.”

I nodded, sitting on the couch across from him and crossing my legs. “It was pretty good, actually. Except that he told me he had a dream about Evan that made him completely turn around, but he won’t say what Evan told him.”

Sidney’s eyebrows rose up. “Really? That’s crazy. But, I mean, if he feels like he can’t tell you-”

“He can’t, I know,” I said, sighing. Sara muttered something about going to work, leaving Sidney and I alone. I debated whether I wanted to share the next part. “There was this other thing,” I began, glancing up at him as I spoke. “He mentioned the whole having feelings for me ordeal, and I got this weird feeling in my stomach.”

“Like, you felt sick?” He asked, looking confused.

I shook my head. “No. He mentioned how love can make you do crazy things, and that I would understand that, and then I felt this sting in my stomach, and it kind of felt like a hand gripped my heart, but I’m not sure what it was.”

Sidney shook hue head. “I don’t know what that means.”

I smirked at him a bit. “The first time Kris told me he had those feelings,” I ignored the snicker I heard as Sidney realized I didn’t want to just admit that he loved me yet, “I felt guilty. I felt like even knowing that wasn’t fair to Evan. This time it was something different.”

Sidney nodded, pursing his lips. “Well, I don’t know how to help you figure that out, Katy,” he admitted.

I sighed. “I just, he said it, and I just wished that he didn’t feel bad about it, you know? The sadness that I can still see in him, it makes me wish that he didn’t feel that. And I can see how alone he is, and I see it because I feel just as alone, and I wish neither one of us felt that way.” I looked over, seeing that Sid still looked kind of confused. “I just wanted him to not feel that anymore. I know what it’s like to be in love and not have it returned, because I still love Evan and he’s not here.”

Sidney stood up and moved towards me, which at first confused me until I realized that I was crying. The tears were both unexpected and undetected, causing me to apologize to him as he handed me a box of tissues before sitting down across from me once more. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize for having feelings,” Sidney said. “Especially when you’re talking about Evan. Never apologize for that.”

I sighed, wiping my face. “I just don’t want anyone to feel like I do. I wanted to reach out and tell Kris that it was okay, that he’d find love from someone else and that he would be happy again. It wasn’t guilt that I felt it was-”

“Longing.”

I looked up at Sidney, his figure blurry through the tears as I sniffled. “What?”

He let out a loud sigh. “It was longing that you felt, Katy. You want to feel all of the same things that Kris wants to feel. Maybe you just don’t want them with him, but you’re looking for the same things.”

I stared at him, feeling my chin quiver. “I’m just warning you, that I feel a breakdown about to happen.”

He was up and walking towards me before the last word was out, already sitting beside me as the melt down hit, trying to calm me down as best as he could.