Marc-Andre Fleury could only be ignored for so long before he showed up at my apartment door, his trademark grin on his face. “Hi.”
I sighed, leaning against the doorway tiredly. “What are you doing here?”
He gave a small shrug, peering past me to see into the apartment. “I called you last night, but you didn’t answer, and you also did not answer my calls last week.” His eyes moved back to my face and he leaned in a bit, trying to seem intimidating. “I will not be ignored, Katy.”
I shook my head at him, allowing him to step into the apartment finally and shutting the door behind him. “So, what would you like to talk about?” I asked, taking a seat on the couch.
Marc sat across from me, running his hands along the couch cushion. “This is a nice couch,” he said aloud, grinning at me. “I just want to make sure that you are okay. You know, we used to be friends, a little. It’s not fair that you just have no one now.”
“I have Sara,” I reminded him, smiling slightly as he rolled his eyes. “Its just hard to see the people he played hockey with. I don’t know why, it just is. I guess because, when he wasn’t here with me, he was on the ice with you, and there’s a part of me that’s still jealous about it.”
“See, you’re opening up to me!” Marc exclaimed, raising his hands up. “This is wonderful!”
I had to let out a small laugh, watching him as he fist pumped a few times before stretching himself over to me so we could high-five.
Marc stretched himself out on the couch a little more, lifting up his legs to fill up the empty space and then turning on his side so he could still face me. “Kristopher talked to you, right?”
I raised an eyebrow up at him. “Wow, full name?”
Marc smirked at me. “Come on, Kaitlin. Did it go well?”
“Not really,” I admitted, my eyes investing themselves in the coffee stain on my leg. “He told me that he had pissed Evan off right before he got in his car, told me that a part of him has hated me for the last couple of years, and then apologized.”
“And you replied by…?”
I lifted my eyes up to look at him. “I left.”
Marc covered his face with his hands dramatically, letting out a loud groan. “Katy! How do you fix something when you leave?”
“There’s nothing to fix,” I replied. “Kris and I haven’t been friends for a long time now, and he’s hardly around anyways. Once the season is over, he’ll be back in Sainte-Julie and I’ll be here.” I sighed, leaning back a bit in the couch and looking over at Marc’s nervous face.
“Katy, there’s something you should know-”
“I already know he’s in love with me,” I interrupted. “And I don’t know what has made him believe that, but he doesn’t, so it doesn’t matter.”
Marc was silent for a moment before he twisted himself so that he was sitting on the couch once more, studying my face for a moment before he yelled, “He’s in love with you?!”
I let out a groan. “You didn’t know?”
“Oh my goodness, this explains so much!” He continued, still yelling.
“Flower, can you take it down a notch? I don’t want to get a noise complaint against me,” I said, covering my ears.
Marc grinned sheepishly. “Sorry, I was just excited to be in on a secret.” He took a few seconds to think before gasping, standing up and pointing at me. “You should come to our game tonight.”
“What?” I asked, almost laughing. “No way. Marc, I haven’t even able to watch a full game of hockey since Evan died, and after learning about Kris, I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
“It’s a great idea, and it‘s only a preseason game, so most of the familiar faces won‘t be there,” he insisted, already heading out towards the door. “I’ll have your tickets waiting at the box office. Bring Sara! Bring a sign that says something nice about me,” He pulled the door open, turning to grin at me again. “See you then.”
---------------------
“This is a bad idea.” I said to Sara, shivering in my seat.
“I told you to bring a heavier sweater,” she replied, taking a bite out of a mini-donut.
“I’m not talking about how cold I am, I mean being here. I can’t handle this,” I told her.
Sara sighed. “Katy, you can’t just ignore everything that reminds you of Evan. You’ll be living in an empty world then.”
I felt my eyebrows lift up in surprise. “That was a very meaningful point, Sara. Have you started reading?”
She laughed. “No, I’m just naturally intuitive.” She glanced back out the ice, where the players were lining up for the first face-off. “Shouldn’t you want to be around the things that remind you of Evan? I mean, not to sound morbid, but isn’t that all you have of him now?”
I was almost dumbfounded by the question, realizing that Sara had a point. Evan’s life had been dedicated to hockey, and even though he had never been able to set foot on the hockey world’s biggest stage, he lived and breathed for the game. On his free nights, he was at a game, whether it be a Penguins or just a local kids team, he wanted to watch. He would tell me about the standings in the NHL, giving me detailed explanations on how every goal that had been scored the night before happened, and had embedded the names of the greats in my head. I wanted to believe that Evan was most alive when he was with me, but I knew that that was not true; Evan was most alive when he was on the ice, or around the game.
By the time I had shaken myself from the reminders, the game had begun. The Penguins were taking on the Ottawa Senators, a team that I didn’t know an awful lot about, and there was already a stop in play. Jarko Ruutu and Brooks Orpik were tangled behind the net, both of them shoving at one another, but neither one willing to drop the gloves.
Both linesmen were trying to pry the two of them apart, only managing to do so when the threat of a penalty was uttered. Orpik swatted at the back of Ruttu’s helmet as he was being pulled away, a move that seemed to infuriate the rest of the Senators and send a spark of energy throughout the rest of the building.
“What started this?” I asked Sara, having to raise my voice to be heard over the yells of the crowd, almost everyone standing as a mob of shoving ensued, everyone determined to knock their opposition over.
“One of the Sens bumped Fleury. I’m not sure which one,” She yelled back.
I nodded, watching as Sidney Crosby grabbed the back of Evgeni Malkin’s jersey and pulled him away from Daniel Alfredsson, seeming incredibly unimpressed with the way the team was behaving. Marc was standing in the crease, his mask up and resting on his face as he watched the whole ordeal with a bemused smirk on his face, seeming more entertained by the events then worried.
Kris was away from all of the commotion, watching it at the blue line, just a few feet from the rest of the team on the bench, all of them hanging over the edge and screaming at the ref for not giving an interference call. He seemed stoic, watching the whole thing unfold without seeming to move a muscle in his body. I was beginning to worry that he wasn’t even breathing, when he suddenly snapped.
In a blur of black and white, Kris was in the middle of the pile, grabbing whichever one of the Senators he could and dragging him away from the pile.
I stood up, trying to see if I could catch a glimpse of which player it was. I managed to see 25 on the sleeve of his jersey, my mind racing back to the roster of the Sens, trying to remember what Evan had said about 25 on the Senators. It was so long ago, I could hardly even remember the conversation.
”He’s a dick.”
I glanced up at the TV, frowning. “Which one?”
Evan laughed, “Really? There’s two people in the shot right now. One is bleeding and one is laughing.”
I almost blushed, only then realizing that it was true. “So, the red guy is a dick?”
“He’s a decent player, I’ll give him that, but he plays the agitator role more then the scoring role.” He sighed, scratching the top of his head. “He’s a damn good fighter though, I’ll give him that.”
I leaned in closer to the TV, squinting a bit. “Who is he? I can only see the number.”
“25,” Evan muttered, lifting up his cup of coffee to take a sip before muttering, “Chri fucking Neil.”
“Oh dear God, tell me he’s not trying to fight Chris Neil,” I yelled, standing up on my tip-toes so I could see over the head of the guy in front of me.
Sara looked as worried as I did. By this time, the rest of the players on the ice had grown tired, and the whole fight was almost over when Kris lunged at all of them and snagged Neil, grabbing him by the front of the jersey and shoving him at the net, causing Marc to move off to the side.
There was a blur of motions. First, Kris’ gloves went flying, followed by Neil’s. Then, both of their helmets were ripped off, and then, the fists started flying. Both were faking left and then throwing rights. Neil grabbed a hold of Kris’ jersey and landed a punch on the side of his face, knocking Kris off of his balance for a moment. He gained it back and threw an upper left cut at Neil, catching him by surprise, and managing to land another punch with his right hand. Neil’s head flew to the side, and he collapsed against the net, his arms managing to stop him from falling over completely.
I assumed the fight was over, as did the rest of the crowd. Neil looked dazed, his body seeming lifeless for a few seconds. Kris seemed to take in a deep breath of air, the rage still evident in his face as he lifted a hand to push his hair out of his face.
Chris Neil wasn’t out of the fight, though. He was surprised by the second hit from Kris, but he was in no way beaten. He had pushed himself off of the net, regained his balance, and in slow-motion I watched as he brought his fist back, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth as did so, and brought it back as fast as he could.
Kris seemed to realize that Neil was back up too late, even though I could see Marc screaming at him. He tried to get his hand up to block the hit in time, but the sudden motion somehow propelled him forward, causing him to meet Neil’s fist sooner then he would have.
The entire crowd was silenced as Kris was knocked backwards. The only sound heard was his helmet-less head making contact with the ice.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Bombs Dropping
I had no response. There was no form of a reply in my mind as I sat there, almost numb with rage as I repeated the confession over and over in my mind. Eventually I managed to ask, “What?”
Kris was still staring at me, the tears back in his eyes, but he didn’t acknowledge them. “I was just so angry, and the only thing that would ever hurt Evan was bringing you up. I just wanted him to feel as unwanted as I did.”
“Unwanted?” I nearly spat the words out at him, feeling my face heat up with the anger pumping through me. “You felt unwanted? I hadn’t seen my boyfriend in two weeks, and he was with you, but [b]you[/b] felt unwanted? Are you fucking kidding me?”
“I hadn’t seen my best friend in months, and as soon as you call and say you miss him, he leaves,” Kris answered, his voice soft. “Of course I felt unwanted.”
“Oh, well then that makes up for telling my boyfriend that he didn’t deserve me and I was probably going to break up with him,” I shot back, standing up from the couch. “I can’t believe you’ve been blaming me for his death this whole time, when you were so selfish that you told him that!”
The comment seemed to awaken the side of Kris that I had encountered at the counselling centre, as he shot up from the couch, the fatigue and weariness that had been sinking into his face seem to melt away as his eyes lit up with an anger that made me feel as if I were only a foot tall. “I play on a team where I am unnoticed,” he began, the softness of his voice gone. “It doesn’t matter how well I play, or how hard I work, the cameras will always been on Sid, or Staal, or Geno. I live by myself, in a house too big for one person, where all of my friends can’t visit because they live in Quebec, or they’re in school. The only person who was still around was Evan, and he didn’t even have time to talk to me anymore. You girls,” he stopped, letting out a humourless laugh before continuing, “you girls always complain when a friend has a boyfriend that she picks over you. Men feel the same way. I have nothing, Katy. I only had one true friend, and he didn’t care. He only cared about you.”
“Evan was a good person,” I reminded him, surprised when I heard the waver in my voice. “You were his best friend, too. You seem to just overlook that fact.”
Kris ran a hand through his hair, giving his head a soft shake. “No I wasn’t. You were his best friend. You were his everything, and I can understand that, because you’re beautiful, and you’re smart, and you were so good to him. But I hated you,” he confessed, no longer meeting my eyes. “I hated you because I was losing the only piece of home I had to you.”
I shook my head. “I can’t be here anymore,” I decided, turning and trying to make my way back towards the front door, pausing just as I was about to leave so I could glance back at him with a sigh. “It’s not your fault that he’s dead, Kris,” I said, seeming to catch him off guard, “but that doesn’t make any of this better.”
“Katy-” he began, taking a step forward but stopping when I shook my head at him. He obliged, watching with a mix of confusion and sadness as I left.
------------------------------
“You don’t seem surprised,” I commented as I looked over at Sara after re-telling the days events to her.
Sara gave a small shrug, “Well, I mean, I kind of figured something like that must have happened. Kris was always pretty hot or cold when it came to you. He was either all for you tagging along, or losing his mind that you were there.”
“I didn’t know guys got like that,” I admitted.
“Are you kidding? Katy, guys will whine to each other about some mutual friend is always bringing his girlfriend, or ditching their plans to be with their girlfriend. Kris is in the NHL and hardly saw Evan anyways, and Evan was always away on road trips with the AHL. They never saw each other, and when they were both back in town, Evan was with you. Of course Kris sort of hated you.” She paused, frowning a bit, “Or still hates you. Whatever.”
I groaned, sitting down next to her on the couch. “Things were starting to get better, you know? I felt like, maybe I could start to move forward again, start waking up without crying. Then Kris just has to waltz into my clinic and yell at me.”
“How selfish of him, trying to get help for his own emotional issues at the same place as you,” Sara scolded, earning an unimpressed glance from me. “Come on, Katy. You chose to stay in Pittsburgh, and you picked the best counselling centre out here. Where else was he supposed to go? Besides, he didn’t know you were going there, anyways.”
“Why can’t you ever let me be melodramatic?” I whined, fake pushing her.
“Because you can’t get better if you’re melodramatic,” she reminded me, smirking as I sighed. “You’re welcome.”
I leaned my head back against the couch, staring up at the ceiling. “I should be on TV.”
“You should. They could just take your life, as is, and get people to rein-act it. Prime time TV right there, girl!” She grinned at me, rubbing her face tiredly as she glanced back at the microwave clock. “I have to be up for class at six tomorrow, so, I bid you goodnight, miss Kaitlin.” I smiled, waving at her as she made her way to her room.
I was lost in my thoughts, the silence of the apartment encouraging the trance, when there was a knock at the door. I almost ignored it, part of me worried that Kris had driven over to try and talk again, but I forced myself off of the couch, walking over to the door and peering through the peephole, tugging the door open as soon as I saw that it was Travis.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, letting him into the apartment.
He grinned, wiping his feet off so he could keep his shoes on, a habit Evan had also had. “I wanted to see how everything with Letang went today. Did he make you cry?”
I almost laughed, leading him into the living room. “No. Well, I cried a little, but more so because we were talking about Evan,” I admitted, sitting down on the couch. “I don’t do that very often. It’s still too hard.”
Travis nodded, sitting at the other end of the couch. “Mom can’t handle it either. My dad, I don’t know how he survives. She can’t even handle hearing his name, and my dad just wants to talk about it all. I’m kind of the only person he has to talk to, and I’m not even sure that I can handle it.” He let out a big sigh, ruffling his hair a bit before shooting me a crooked smile. “But, he told you everything?”
“You already knew all of this?” I asked, genuinely surprised.
“Of course I did. Kris talks to me all the time, and the rest of the family. No matter what their friendship was towards the very end, he and Evan were buds for a long time. It got hard when Kris got called up into the NHL and Ev was still on the farm team, but they were best friends. I think talking to all of us is how he copes, you know?” He asked, letting out a long sigh before smiling again. “I’m glad you know, though. I think it explains a lot about why Kris was so hostile towards you for awhile, and why he and Kris were at odds off and on for the last couple of years.”
I grabbed a chunk of my hair, smoothing out the tangles in it. “Yeah, I guess. I don’t know why he waited over a year after Evan’s death to tell me. I’d rather have known right off the bat, or at least within the first few months.”
Travis laughed, “Like you could have handled that. Your boyfriend had just been killed, the last thing you’d want to hear is everything he told you today.”
I frowned. “I don’t think that’s true at all. I think I would have had some peace and not blamed myself so much. Plus, he couldn’t have blamed me for the whole thing like he did up until two weeks ago.”
Travis looked utterly confused, scratching the back of his head. “How would him telling you he was in love with you make you more at peace?”
I felt the colour drain from my face, shaking my head and assuming that I had misheard him. “What?”
Travis opened his mouth, then seemed to realize his mistake and gasped, covering his mouth. “Oh my God, he didn’t tell you that.”
“He’s…what? But he’s been horrible to me for the last couple of years,” I almost yelled. “Ever since Evan and I-” I stopped, realization surfacing at the front of my brain.
“Ever since you and Evan started dating,” Travis finished, nodding his head. “I’m so sorry, Katy. He told me he was going to tell you all of this today, I thought you knew.”
I felt light-headed, falling back into the couch and sitting limply as the words ran through my head a few more times.
Travis cleared his throat. “Maybe I should go and let you absorb the bomb that I just dropped on you,” he said, getting up and walking over to pat my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Katy. I thought you knew.”
I couldn’t respond, the shock seeming to disable my ability to think. I watched Travis let himself out of the apartment, sitting there for who knows how long before I sat up and yelled “What the fuck!” and threw myself back onto the couch.
Kris was still staring at me, the tears back in his eyes, but he didn’t acknowledge them. “I was just so angry, and the only thing that would ever hurt Evan was bringing you up. I just wanted him to feel as unwanted as I did.”
“Unwanted?” I nearly spat the words out at him, feeling my face heat up with the anger pumping through me. “You felt unwanted? I hadn’t seen my boyfriend in two weeks, and he was with you, but [b]you[/b] felt unwanted? Are you fucking kidding me?”
“I hadn’t seen my best friend in months, and as soon as you call and say you miss him, he leaves,” Kris answered, his voice soft. “Of course I felt unwanted.”
“Oh, well then that makes up for telling my boyfriend that he didn’t deserve me and I was probably going to break up with him,” I shot back, standing up from the couch. “I can’t believe you’ve been blaming me for his death this whole time, when you were so selfish that you told him that!”
The comment seemed to awaken the side of Kris that I had encountered at the counselling centre, as he shot up from the couch, the fatigue and weariness that had been sinking into his face seem to melt away as his eyes lit up with an anger that made me feel as if I were only a foot tall. “I play on a team where I am unnoticed,” he began, the softness of his voice gone. “It doesn’t matter how well I play, or how hard I work, the cameras will always been on Sid, or Staal, or Geno. I live by myself, in a house too big for one person, where all of my friends can’t visit because they live in Quebec, or they’re in school. The only person who was still around was Evan, and he didn’t even have time to talk to me anymore. You girls,” he stopped, letting out a humourless laugh before continuing, “you girls always complain when a friend has a boyfriend that she picks over you. Men feel the same way. I have nothing, Katy. I only had one true friend, and he didn’t care. He only cared about you.”
“Evan was a good person,” I reminded him, surprised when I heard the waver in my voice. “You were his best friend, too. You seem to just overlook that fact.”
Kris ran a hand through his hair, giving his head a soft shake. “No I wasn’t. You were his best friend. You were his everything, and I can understand that, because you’re beautiful, and you’re smart, and you were so good to him. But I hated you,” he confessed, no longer meeting my eyes. “I hated you because I was losing the only piece of home I had to you.”
I shook my head. “I can’t be here anymore,” I decided, turning and trying to make my way back towards the front door, pausing just as I was about to leave so I could glance back at him with a sigh. “It’s not your fault that he’s dead, Kris,” I said, seeming to catch him off guard, “but that doesn’t make any of this better.”
“Katy-” he began, taking a step forward but stopping when I shook my head at him. He obliged, watching with a mix of confusion and sadness as I left.
------------------------------
“You don’t seem surprised,” I commented as I looked over at Sara after re-telling the days events to her.
Sara gave a small shrug, “Well, I mean, I kind of figured something like that must have happened. Kris was always pretty hot or cold when it came to you. He was either all for you tagging along, or losing his mind that you were there.”
“I didn’t know guys got like that,” I admitted.
“Are you kidding? Katy, guys will whine to each other about some mutual friend is always bringing his girlfriend, or ditching their plans to be with their girlfriend. Kris is in the NHL and hardly saw Evan anyways, and Evan was always away on road trips with the AHL. They never saw each other, and when they were both back in town, Evan was with you. Of course Kris sort of hated you.” She paused, frowning a bit, “Or still hates you. Whatever.”
I groaned, sitting down next to her on the couch. “Things were starting to get better, you know? I felt like, maybe I could start to move forward again, start waking up without crying. Then Kris just has to waltz into my clinic and yell at me.”
“How selfish of him, trying to get help for his own emotional issues at the same place as you,” Sara scolded, earning an unimpressed glance from me. “Come on, Katy. You chose to stay in Pittsburgh, and you picked the best counselling centre out here. Where else was he supposed to go? Besides, he didn’t know you were going there, anyways.”
“Why can’t you ever let me be melodramatic?” I whined, fake pushing her.
“Because you can’t get better if you’re melodramatic,” she reminded me, smirking as I sighed. “You’re welcome.”
I leaned my head back against the couch, staring up at the ceiling. “I should be on TV.”
“You should. They could just take your life, as is, and get people to rein-act it. Prime time TV right there, girl!” She grinned at me, rubbing her face tiredly as she glanced back at the microwave clock. “I have to be up for class at six tomorrow, so, I bid you goodnight, miss Kaitlin.” I smiled, waving at her as she made her way to her room.
I was lost in my thoughts, the silence of the apartment encouraging the trance, when there was a knock at the door. I almost ignored it, part of me worried that Kris had driven over to try and talk again, but I forced myself off of the couch, walking over to the door and peering through the peephole, tugging the door open as soon as I saw that it was Travis.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, letting him into the apartment.
He grinned, wiping his feet off so he could keep his shoes on, a habit Evan had also had. “I wanted to see how everything with Letang went today. Did he make you cry?”
I almost laughed, leading him into the living room. “No. Well, I cried a little, but more so because we were talking about Evan,” I admitted, sitting down on the couch. “I don’t do that very often. It’s still too hard.”
Travis nodded, sitting at the other end of the couch. “Mom can’t handle it either. My dad, I don’t know how he survives. She can’t even handle hearing his name, and my dad just wants to talk about it all. I’m kind of the only person he has to talk to, and I’m not even sure that I can handle it.” He let out a big sigh, ruffling his hair a bit before shooting me a crooked smile. “But, he told you everything?”
“You already knew all of this?” I asked, genuinely surprised.
“Of course I did. Kris talks to me all the time, and the rest of the family. No matter what their friendship was towards the very end, he and Evan were buds for a long time. It got hard when Kris got called up into the NHL and Ev was still on the farm team, but they were best friends. I think talking to all of us is how he copes, you know?” He asked, letting out a long sigh before smiling again. “I’m glad you know, though. I think it explains a lot about why Kris was so hostile towards you for awhile, and why he and Kris were at odds off and on for the last couple of years.”
I grabbed a chunk of my hair, smoothing out the tangles in it. “Yeah, I guess. I don’t know why he waited over a year after Evan’s death to tell me. I’d rather have known right off the bat, or at least within the first few months.”
Travis laughed, “Like you could have handled that. Your boyfriend had just been killed, the last thing you’d want to hear is everything he told you today.”
I frowned. “I don’t think that’s true at all. I think I would have had some peace and not blamed myself so much. Plus, he couldn’t have blamed me for the whole thing like he did up until two weeks ago.”
Travis looked utterly confused, scratching the back of his head. “How would him telling you he was in love with you make you more at peace?”
I felt the colour drain from my face, shaking my head and assuming that I had misheard him. “What?”
Travis opened his mouth, then seemed to realize his mistake and gasped, covering his mouth. “Oh my God, he didn’t tell you that.”
“He’s…what? But he’s been horrible to me for the last couple of years,” I almost yelled. “Ever since Evan and I-” I stopped, realization surfacing at the front of my brain.
“Ever since you and Evan started dating,” Travis finished, nodding his head. “I’m so sorry, Katy. He told me he was going to tell you all of this today, I thought you knew.”
I felt light-headed, falling back into the couch and sitting limply as the words ran through my head a few more times.
Travis cleared his throat. “Maybe I should go and let you absorb the bomb that I just dropped on you,” he said, getting up and walking over to pat my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Katy. I thought you knew.”
I couldn’t respond, the shock seeming to disable my ability to think. I watched Travis let himself out of the apartment, sitting there for who knows how long before I sat up and yelled “What the fuck!” and threw myself back onto the couch.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Confessions
I hardly spoke as the three of us sat around the table. Kris and Travis fell into conversation immediately, discussing the Penguins training camp starting soon, Travis’ upcoming graduation from University, and what they were planning to do for the rest of the week.
“I’m surprised you haven’t headed back to visit your folks yet, Katy,” Travis said, causing me to look up from my sandwich and blink at him, surprised to suddenly be a aprt of the conversation.
I could see Kris glance at me from the corner of my eye as he lifted up the last bit of his own sandwich and stuffed it into his mouth. I forced a small smile at Travis, my eyes falling back down to the hardly touched turkey sandwich in front of me. “I just didn’t feel like heading back, is all,” I lied.
Travis nodded, knowing not to push the subject of my parents, and turned back to Kris. “How’s counselling?”
The question peaked my interest more then I wanted to admit, and I found myself turning in my seat to face Kris as he thought up an answer, glancing nervously at me when he realized I was actually listening. He cleared his throat, rubbing a hand over the stubble on his chin as he began. “It’s been good. At first, it was hard. She made me talk about a lot of things that I was not ready to speak on, yet, but now I feel much better. I didn’t see how angry I was until just a few sessions ago,” he admitted, glancing quickly at me. “She thinks that I’m blaming myself too much.”
The last comment caught me completely off guard, and it was evident in my face judging by the way Travis sent me a semi-confused glance as soon as I reacted to it. It was a confusing thing to hear Kris say, especially after he had been so adamant in telling me that Evan’s death was my fault.
Kris took a long drink from the bottle of water he had ordered before setting it back onto the table and sending a tentative glance in my direction, inhaling deeply before he asked, “Do you still play piano, Kaitlin?”
Travis turned his attention to me also, seeming interested in the answer. He leaned his elbows against the table and waited for me to reply, exchanging a look with Kris that was so subtle and quick, I almost wondered if I had imagined it.
I scratched the side of my face for a moment before nodding, looking between the two of them before diverting my eyes to the surface of the table. “I actually teach piano now. I don’t play my own songs anymore, though. I guess I’ve just been lacking passion, lately.”
I saw Kris give a small nod from beside me, hearing him sigh to himself. “I’m glad you did not stop,” he said quietly. “Evan wouldn’t have liked that.”
Travis nodded as well, a hint of a grin forming on his face. “He loved listening to you play, Katy. He had a recording of one of your recitals and he’d fall asleep to it when the team was on the road. I don’t know if you knew that.”
I couldn’t find my voice for a second, torn between the outrage at Kris mentioning Evan to me, and the pain of Travis sharing that fact with me. I shook my head, clearing my throat. “I didn’t know that, actually.”
There was a pause, and I could see the two of them exchange another look before Travis reached across the table to place a hand on top of mine, catching me off guard. “Katy, I know you just finished counselling, and I’m glad that went so well for you, but if you want to talk about Evan, even just exchange stories, I’m always here.”
I nodded, unable to voice a response in that moment as my emotions were beginning to take over. Kris had turned himself so he was facing me once more, peeking my interest enough that I turned my face to look at him, aware of the fact that he was searching for something to say to me, or maybe the right way to bring something up. He studied my face for a moment, something I had found him doing a few times throughout the lunch, and finally frowned, pursing his lips together for a brief moment before speaking. “I think we should talk. You can hate me afterwards, still, but we should talk.”
I felt my eyebrows twitch a bit, looking over at Travis who was busy checking his phone before back up at Kris. “I don’t know if-”
“Please, Katy,” he said. “There’s a lot of things that happened that night that you are not aware of.”
The comment scared me, my mind immediately racing to conclusion on what Evan could have been doing that night that I was not informed of. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know, or if I should know. I wasn’t sure that I trusted Kris again, which was another problem.
“Please, Katy,” he repeated, the intensity in his eyes glowing into my own.
I found myself nodding in agreement without meaning too, telling him that I’d swing by his place the next afternoon.
---------------------------
The house that Kris lived in was alarmingly intimidating when you hadn’t’ been to in over a year. In fact, thinking back, it had probably been two years since I had actually been there.
It wasn’t a mansion by any means, but it was certainly too large for only one person. It had three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen the size of Sara and I’s apartment, two living rooms and a basement that Kris had transformed into a home gym. Evan had probably spent more time in that house then he ever did at my apartment, and standing outside of it without him was intense enough that I debated running back to my car before Kris could even know I was there.
I must have stood outside of the door, trying to coax myself into knocking for at least five minutes. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath of air, trying to mentally prepare myself to sit down and talk to Kris. There was a part of me that was terrified, that truly believed that if no one we knew was around, the same angry man he had been at the counselling office would return. I tried to shake the fears out of my head, deciding that it was time to suck it up and knock.
“Katy?”
I cracked an eye open, slightly startled to find Kris standing at the now open door with a confused frown on his face. “Are you okay?”
I let out a nervous laugh. “Uhm, yeah. I just… I needed to-”
“You’re not sure that you should talk to me?” He guessed, nodding with a bit of a sad glow emitting from him when I admitted that he was right in his guess. “I think we just need to talk. That’s all.”
I twisted my mouth to the side, nodding curtly and stepping past him into the house. I heard Kris pull the door shut behind him, watching as he moved past me and into the kitchen, waiting for me to follow.
I stood at the edge of the kitchen, noting the changes in the house since the last time I had been there. The counters in the kitchen had been changed from a white oak into a granite, and there was a new fridge. There were a few pictures on the fridge, mainly of nieces and nephews he had, but other than that, the house was bare of decorations.
“Did you want a cup of tea, or coffee?” He asked, holding up a coffee pot.
I declined, still standing at the very edge of the kitchen, my arms crossed.
Kris’s shoulder seemed to sag a bit, but he nodded, pouring himself a cup, mixing in his cream and sugar and then leading me into the main living room. I took a seat on the love seat, a giant, dark red couch that I sunk into as I soon as I sat down, my body being absorbed by the comfort of the cushions. I nodded, running a hand down the arm rest beside me. “Nice couch.”
“Thank you. My mom bought it,” he admitted, smiling slightly as he took a seat across from me on the larger couch, lifting his feet up to rest on it.
I glanced beside me, taking in the room, my eyes landing on the picture frame resting on the table next to me. It was of Kris and Evan, the two of them in their Val-d'Or Foreurs
jersey’s, grinning into the camera with their goofy, 16 year old smiles, Kris holding his Emile Bouchard trophy proudly.
“It’s my favourite picture,” Kris said, causing me to turn my attention back to him. “I don’t know why, we both have bad hair there,” he joked, his crooked smile taking over his face, “but I love it.”
I glanced back at the picture, smiling at it as well. “You look happy, both of you.” I turned back to look at him once more. “That’s why you love it.”
Kris nodded, looking down at his cup. “The night that of the accident,” he began, his voice so soft I could hardly hear it, “Evan and I had a disagreement. I uhm…” he paused, glancing up at me quickly, but long enough that I caught sight of the tears glistening in his eyes. “I said some things that he didn’t deserve to hear. I told him-” he stopped, clearing his throat and struggling to keep his composure, “I told him that he was a bad friend, and that I was better off without having him as one, and then he left and, few hours later, I get that call and-”
He didn’t finish the sentence, his eyes being covered by his free hand as he his shoulder shook a few times, releasing the emotions that he had been struggling to keep hidden for who knows how long. I wasn’t sure what to do or how to react to this unexpected display of regret coming from Kris, and I watched helplessly as he took a couple of minutes to compose himself before he finally lifted his head back up at me, allowing me to see his now pink eyes and the red colouring in his cheeks. I almost wanted to walk over and hug him, try to heal some of the pain and guilt he had been harbouring for the last 15 months, but something in my mind told me to stay put.
Kris ran a hand through his shaggy hair, having to take in a big, shaky breath. “I tried to blame you, because we started fighting after you called and he wanted to go see you. I almost believed it, too. I mean, after a year of telling myself that it was all your fault, that Evan would have never died if he had left here, it just becomes easy to agree with, you know?” He asked, not actually expecting a reply. “I’ve been so angry, Katy. And I still am, but it’s not at you, It’s at me, and I’m so sorry, because I lost my best friend, but you lost your best friend, and your soul mate, and your joy, and I was just blaming you and I-”
“Kris, stop,” I said, cutting him off, my voice wavering a bit. “I understand. I was angry too, for a long, long time. I still am, I guess. There’s days where I hate everyone around me because they’re not him, and there’s days where I hate myself because I know that if I didn’t call him he wouldn’t have been in the car. I get that you were mad, and I was mad at you, too. But you can’t blame yourself.”
He wiped his nose, flipping his hair out of his face again. “The things I said, Katy,” he stopped, swallowing hard. “The things I said were so terrible.”
“You know that you were his best friend,” I said, trying to calm him.
He shook his head, “No, Katy, he hated me when he left. The things I said to him-”
“Kris, he could have never hated you. You knew him longer than I did, you were his best friend for years. He would never hate you.”
Kris only shook his head. “You don’t understand, Kaitlin. You don’t know what was said.”
I wasn’t beginning to grow frustrated, almost feeling guilty about it since I knew that he wasn’t intentionally bothering me. He was trying to smooth things over, trying to make some sort of peace between us, and I was sitting across from him, pissed off that he truly believed his best friend died hating him. I let out a loud sigh, almost a groan. “Then why don’t you tell me? Tell me what you said that was so horrible that Evan would have died hating you.”
He stared at me for a long time, seeming to debate the idea in his head. He placed his cup down on the table in front of him, resting his elbows on his knees and resting his chin on his hands. “There were a lot of words that I said,” he began, not meeting my eyes. “But the one that made him leave, that made him tell me I wasn’t a part of his life anymore,” he stopped, licking his lips and lifting his head up a bit to look at me, a mix of fear and guilt clouding over his eyes as he looked at me. “I told him that he didn’t deserve you. And I told him that it wouldn’t be long until you realized that for yourself.”
“I’m surprised you haven’t headed back to visit your folks yet, Katy,” Travis said, causing me to look up from my sandwich and blink at him, surprised to suddenly be a aprt of the conversation.
I could see Kris glance at me from the corner of my eye as he lifted up the last bit of his own sandwich and stuffed it into his mouth. I forced a small smile at Travis, my eyes falling back down to the hardly touched turkey sandwich in front of me. “I just didn’t feel like heading back, is all,” I lied.
Travis nodded, knowing not to push the subject of my parents, and turned back to Kris. “How’s counselling?”
The question peaked my interest more then I wanted to admit, and I found myself turning in my seat to face Kris as he thought up an answer, glancing nervously at me when he realized I was actually listening. He cleared his throat, rubbing a hand over the stubble on his chin as he began. “It’s been good. At first, it was hard. She made me talk about a lot of things that I was not ready to speak on, yet, but now I feel much better. I didn’t see how angry I was until just a few sessions ago,” he admitted, glancing quickly at me. “She thinks that I’m blaming myself too much.”
The last comment caught me completely off guard, and it was evident in my face judging by the way Travis sent me a semi-confused glance as soon as I reacted to it. It was a confusing thing to hear Kris say, especially after he had been so adamant in telling me that Evan’s death was my fault.
Kris took a long drink from the bottle of water he had ordered before setting it back onto the table and sending a tentative glance in my direction, inhaling deeply before he asked, “Do you still play piano, Kaitlin?”
Travis turned his attention to me also, seeming interested in the answer. He leaned his elbows against the table and waited for me to reply, exchanging a look with Kris that was so subtle and quick, I almost wondered if I had imagined it.
I scratched the side of my face for a moment before nodding, looking between the two of them before diverting my eyes to the surface of the table. “I actually teach piano now. I don’t play my own songs anymore, though. I guess I’ve just been lacking passion, lately.”
I saw Kris give a small nod from beside me, hearing him sigh to himself. “I’m glad you did not stop,” he said quietly. “Evan wouldn’t have liked that.”
Travis nodded as well, a hint of a grin forming on his face. “He loved listening to you play, Katy. He had a recording of one of your recitals and he’d fall asleep to it when the team was on the road. I don’t know if you knew that.”
I couldn’t find my voice for a second, torn between the outrage at Kris mentioning Evan to me, and the pain of Travis sharing that fact with me. I shook my head, clearing my throat. “I didn’t know that, actually.”
There was a pause, and I could see the two of them exchange another look before Travis reached across the table to place a hand on top of mine, catching me off guard. “Katy, I know you just finished counselling, and I’m glad that went so well for you, but if you want to talk about Evan, even just exchange stories, I’m always here.”
I nodded, unable to voice a response in that moment as my emotions were beginning to take over. Kris had turned himself so he was facing me once more, peeking my interest enough that I turned my face to look at him, aware of the fact that he was searching for something to say to me, or maybe the right way to bring something up. He studied my face for a moment, something I had found him doing a few times throughout the lunch, and finally frowned, pursing his lips together for a brief moment before speaking. “I think we should talk. You can hate me afterwards, still, but we should talk.”
I felt my eyebrows twitch a bit, looking over at Travis who was busy checking his phone before back up at Kris. “I don’t know if-”
“Please, Katy,” he said. “There’s a lot of things that happened that night that you are not aware of.”
The comment scared me, my mind immediately racing to conclusion on what Evan could have been doing that night that I was not informed of. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know, or if I should know. I wasn’t sure that I trusted Kris again, which was another problem.
“Please, Katy,” he repeated, the intensity in his eyes glowing into my own.
I found myself nodding in agreement without meaning too, telling him that I’d swing by his place the next afternoon.
---------------------------
The house that Kris lived in was alarmingly intimidating when you hadn’t’ been to in over a year. In fact, thinking back, it had probably been two years since I had actually been there.
It wasn’t a mansion by any means, but it was certainly too large for only one person. It had three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen the size of Sara and I’s apartment, two living rooms and a basement that Kris had transformed into a home gym. Evan had probably spent more time in that house then he ever did at my apartment, and standing outside of it without him was intense enough that I debated running back to my car before Kris could even know I was there.
I must have stood outside of the door, trying to coax myself into knocking for at least five minutes. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath of air, trying to mentally prepare myself to sit down and talk to Kris. There was a part of me that was terrified, that truly believed that if no one we knew was around, the same angry man he had been at the counselling office would return. I tried to shake the fears out of my head, deciding that it was time to suck it up and knock.
“Katy?”
I cracked an eye open, slightly startled to find Kris standing at the now open door with a confused frown on his face. “Are you okay?”
I let out a nervous laugh. “Uhm, yeah. I just… I needed to-”
“You’re not sure that you should talk to me?” He guessed, nodding with a bit of a sad glow emitting from him when I admitted that he was right in his guess. “I think we just need to talk. That’s all.”
I twisted my mouth to the side, nodding curtly and stepping past him into the house. I heard Kris pull the door shut behind him, watching as he moved past me and into the kitchen, waiting for me to follow.
I stood at the edge of the kitchen, noting the changes in the house since the last time I had been there. The counters in the kitchen had been changed from a white oak into a granite, and there was a new fridge. There were a few pictures on the fridge, mainly of nieces and nephews he had, but other than that, the house was bare of decorations.
“Did you want a cup of tea, or coffee?” He asked, holding up a coffee pot.
I declined, still standing at the very edge of the kitchen, my arms crossed.
Kris’s shoulder seemed to sag a bit, but he nodded, pouring himself a cup, mixing in his cream and sugar and then leading me into the main living room. I took a seat on the love seat, a giant, dark red couch that I sunk into as I soon as I sat down, my body being absorbed by the comfort of the cushions. I nodded, running a hand down the arm rest beside me. “Nice couch.”
“Thank you. My mom bought it,” he admitted, smiling slightly as he took a seat across from me on the larger couch, lifting his feet up to rest on it.
I glanced beside me, taking in the room, my eyes landing on the picture frame resting on the table next to me. It was of Kris and Evan, the two of them in their Val-d'Or Foreurs
jersey’s, grinning into the camera with their goofy, 16 year old smiles, Kris holding his Emile Bouchard trophy proudly.
“It’s my favourite picture,” Kris said, causing me to turn my attention back to him. “I don’t know why, we both have bad hair there,” he joked, his crooked smile taking over his face, “but I love it.”
I glanced back at the picture, smiling at it as well. “You look happy, both of you.” I turned back to look at him once more. “That’s why you love it.”
Kris nodded, looking down at his cup. “The night that of the accident,” he began, his voice so soft I could hardly hear it, “Evan and I had a disagreement. I uhm…” he paused, glancing up at me quickly, but long enough that I caught sight of the tears glistening in his eyes. “I said some things that he didn’t deserve to hear. I told him-” he stopped, clearing his throat and struggling to keep his composure, “I told him that he was a bad friend, and that I was better off without having him as one, and then he left and, few hours later, I get that call and-”
He didn’t finish the sentence, his eyes being covered by his free hand as he his shoulder shook a few times, releasing the emotions that he had been struggling to keep hidden for who knows how long. I wasn’t sure what to do or how to react to this unexpected display of regret coming from Kris, and I watched helplessly as he took a couple of minutes to compose himself before he finally lifted his head back up at me, allowing me to see his now pink eyes and the red colouring in his cheeks. I almost wanted to walk over and hug him, try to heal some of the pain and guilt he had been harbouring for the last 15 months, but something in my mind told me to stay put.
Kris ran a hand through his shaggy hair, having to take in a big, shaky breath. “I tried to blame you, because we started fighting after you called and he wanted to go see you. I almost believed it, too. I mean, after a year of telling myself that it was all your fault, that Evan would have never died if he had left here, it just becomes easy to agree with, you know?” He asked, not actually expecting a reply. “I’ve been so angry, Katy. And I still am, but it’s not at you, It’s at me, and I’m so sorry, because I lost my best friend, but you lost your best friend, and your soul mate, and your joy, and I was just blaming you and I-”
“Kris, stop,” I said, cutting him off, my voice wavering a bit. “I understand. I was angry too, for a long, long time. I still am, I guess. There’s days where I hate everyone around me because they’re not him, and there’s days where I hate myself because I know that if I didn’t call him he wouldn’t have been in the car. I get that you were mad, and I was mad at you, too. But you can’t blame yourself.”
He wiped his nose, flipping his hair out of his face again. “The things I said, Katy,” he stopped, swallowing hard. “The things I said were so terrible.”
“You know that you were his best friend,” I said, trying to calm him.
He shook his head, “No, Katy, he hated me when he left. The things I said to him-”
“Kris, he could have never hated you. You knew him longer than I did, you were his best friend for years. He would never hate you.”
Kris only shook his head. “You don’t understand, Kaitlin. You don’t know what was said.”
I wasn’t beginning to grow frustrated, almost feeling guilty about it since I knew that he wasn’t intentionally bothering me. He was trying to smooth things over, trying to make some sort of peace between us, and I was sitting across from him, pissed off that he truly believed his best friend died hating him. I let out a loud sigh, almost a groan. “Then why don’t you tell me? Tell me what you said that was so horrible that Evan would have died hating you.”
He stared at me for a long time, seeming to debate the idea in his head. He placed his cup down on the table in front of him, resting his elbows on his knees and resting his chin on his hands. “There were a lot of words that I said,” he began, not meeting my eyes. “But the one that made him leave, that made him tell me I wasn’t a part of his life anymore,” he stopped, licking his lips and lifting his head up a bit to look at me, a mix of fear and guilt clouding over his eyes as he looked at me. “I told him that he didn’t deserve you. And I told him that it wouldn’t be long until you realized that for yourself.”
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Familiarity
I groaned, my forehead resting against the kitchen table, my bare feet pressed against the linoleum floor as my one hand held a loose grip on the coffee cup resting on the table. “I barely even drank, why does my head hurt so much?” I moaned.
Sara let out a laugh from somewhere in front of me. “Well, let’s think about this one, Katy. You hadn’t touched alcohol in over a year, you barely ate anything yesterday and you downed your first drink within two minutes of getting it. That might be why your head is unimpressed with you.”
I sighed, lifting my head off of the table. “I did have fun, at least.”
“I’m glad,” she said, taking a bite of her bagel. “I’m not gonna lie, when I saw Kris and the guys there, I was worried he’d head over and make a scene.”
I took a sip of my coffee, shrugging my shoulders. “I’m still surprised he didn’t. Maybe him being in counselling is actually a good thing.” I joked, taking another sip of coffee.
Sara stood up from the table, carrying the last piece of bagel in her hand. “Maybe. Anyways, I better head off to work. You know, so I don’t lose my job.”
I nodded, saying bye to her before sighing, rubbing my forehead as I stood up and headed over to grab some Advil in an attempt to dull down this massive headache. My goal for the day was to find a real job. Although teaching piano did pay an absurd amount, I only taught twice a week, leaving far too much free time in the rest of the week. It had been Dr. Bailey who made the suggestion of setting at least one goal for myself each day. It had been hard at first, trying to find something to focus my mind on other than Evan’s death, but now it seemed as if I couldn’t make it through a day without picking something to do.
I tried my best to ignore the headache as I changed into some clothes, puling my wavy hair up into a ponytail before I put a bit of make-up on and headed over to print off my resumes. Glancing down at the copies once they were made, I was surprised to see that I hadn’t worked in a legitimate job in almost a year. My boss had made the suggestion of me taking some time off as soon as he heard the news about Evan. I was determined to come back to the job, but after three mental breakdowns, my parents suggested leaving the job and throwing myself into counselling. I knew that any interviewer would understand if I explained the situation, but I still felt as if I had spent the last year doing absolutely nothing. I sighed, setting the papers down so I slip my feet into a pair of flats, glancing out the window and wondering if it too hot to be wearing jeans in this late August heat before deciding that I didn’t care enough either way to go change, grabbing my keys and the resumes off of the table before I snatched my purse from where it hung on the back of the door, and headed out.
---------------------
My headache was still there, although not nearly as strong, when I was done handing out resumes. The rumbling of hunger in my stomach was probably not helping my desire to fight off the dull ache behind my eyes, so I pulled into the parking lot of a small sandwich shop and hopped out to eat something.
I caught a glimpse of my reflection as I pulled open the big glass door and frowned, seeing how many wisps of hair had escaped from my ponytail and were now floating around my face, dancing in the light breeze that was flowing through Pittsburgh. I tried to smooth down as many strands as I could before finally stepping into the small shop, inhaling the scent of freshly baked bread and sighing.
“Smells good, huh?”
I jumped, looking around for a moment before my eyes fell upon Travis, causing a mix of excitement and sadness to wash over me as I took in his face, seeing how he looked so different, but still so much like I had remembered. He was sitting alone, prompting me to take the few steps towards his table and sit down across from him, smiling softly. “It does. I haven’t been in here for so long,” I admitted, my eyes moving past him and up to the menu board, staying there for a moment before I looked back at Travis.
He looked so much like Evan, a similarity I hadn’t noticed when I was around him more often. He had the same green eyes, with the flecks of gold in them that had driven me so crazy when I stared into them. His hair was a lighter shade of brown, but it had the same tousled effect that Evan’s had, the shaggy curls framing his face in such a familiar way.
“I come here once a week,” He said, shaking me from my thoughts. “I don’t really know why. I just woke up one morning, probably a month after the accident, and ended up here. I don’t remember leaving the house or anything. I just sort of woke up from a trance and was sitting here, with that damn beef sandwich staring back at me.”
I laughed, only then noticing the sandwich.
Evan and Kris had started this tradition of eating the same roast beef sandwich before every game Kris played. When they were younger, Kris’ mom would make them one before their tournaments as kids. Evan eventually gave up hockey, but he and Kris stuck to the tradition eating the same sandwich before every game.
It was a disgusting sandwich, too. It was layered with so many slices of roast beef that you could barely fit the sandwich in your mouth. It was covered with melted mozzarella cheese, smothered in horseradish and gravy, so much that it dripped off of the sides. The whole thing was packed into two slices of toasted sour-dough bread, and served with a side of coleslaw that neither one of them either ate. Just the smell of the thing was enough to make me feel sick. If I ever came with the two of them to the shop, I had to sit on the other side of the table and breathe only through my mouth. It took months before I could even look at the thing without feeling sick. I had never managed to watch either one of them eat it. The sight of the goopy gravy and horseradish falling from the sandwich when the took a bite was just too much for me.
Looking down at it now, I didn’t feel any of that. It made me miss those days, if anything. The days when Evan would purposely leave gravy on his lips and kiss my cheek, no matter how hard I fought against him or told him I hated it. Kris and I got along back then, too. He would sit across from us and laugh while I tried to squirm out of Evan’s grip, licking his plate clean as he did so. It seems like it’s always the small things you end up missing when it’s all taken away.
“You come here alone?” I asked, hearing the sound of the bell above the door jingle, signalling another customer.
Travis’s eyes flickered from my face to the door, then back to me. “Not exactly.”
I didn’t even have to turn around, closing my eyes so I could let out another sigh before I opened them again. “He’s right behind me, isn’t he?”
Travis let out a small laugh, nodding his head.
I turned in my seat to face Kris, almost laughing at the shock on his face, so intense that it seemed to drain all the colour from his skin. “I’m leaving, don’t worry,” I said, standing up from the seat. “It was nice to see you, Travis.”
“Wait,” Kris said, stepping in front of me so that I was forced to stop. “You shouldn’t have to leave just because I am here.”
I eyed him for a moment before I gave my head a shake. “What is your game, Kris? One day you’re telling me that I’m ruining your life and everything is my fault, and then you’re apologizing to me, and now you want me to stay? What do you want?”
He didn’t respond for a second, chewing on his lip as he seemed to scan over my face. “I have a lot of issues, Katy. I have a lot to sort through, and that’s why my agent suggested counselling to me. I know that this is only a small step, but I’m trying.”
I was still studying his face, looking for the flashes of rage that had appeared before, waiting for the mask to fall and the bitter man he had become to show through. “What are you trying to do? I don’t understand.”
“I am trying to fix things. Everything,” he said. “I know that we weren’t best friends, but we were friends. And we’re both hurting from this loss. I just…” he paused, letting out a loud sigh as he reached up to take his hat off and scratch his head. “I can’t hate you anymore. I just can’t.”
I rolled my eyes. “Oh, that’s so sweet of you. You know what-”
“Katy,” Travis said, interrupting me and causing me to turn around and face him. “Give him a chance.”
I stared at Travis for a moment, caught between feeling infuriated that he would even say that, and feeling embarrassed that he had to suggest it at the same time. I turned back to Kris, looking up at him and noticing the sadness flashing in his eyes in such a way that it seemed to dull out the life in him. It sent a pang through me that caught me by surprise, the realization that he was trying to fix things, to get rid of the emotions that had clearly haunted the inside of his mind since Evan’s passing.
“I’ll buy,” Kris said quietly, a tiny smile tugging up at one corner of his mouth. “You want your usual?”
It was clear that I had no real say in this situation, and with a slight hesitation I nodded, returning to my seat and ignoring the triumphant smirk on Travis’s face.
Sara let out a laugh from somewhere in front of me. “Well, let’s think about this one, Katy. You hadn’t touched alcohol in over a year, you barely ate anything yesterday and you downed your first drink within two minutes of getting it. That might be why your head is unimpressed with you.”
I sighed, lifting my head off of the table. “I did have fun, at least.”
“I’m glad,” she said, taking a bite of her bagel. “I’m not gonna lie, when I saw Kris and the guys there, I was worried he’d head over and make a scene.”
I took a sip of my coffee, shrugging my shoulders. “I’m still surprised he didn’t. Maybe him being in counselling is actually a good thing.” I joked, taking another sip of coffee.
Sara stood up from the table, carrying the last piece of bagel in her hand. “Maybe. Anyways, I better head off to work. You know, so I don’t lose my job.”
I nodded, saying bye to her before sighing, rubbing my forehead as I stood up and headed over to grab some Advil in an attempt to dull down this massive headache. My goal for the day was to find a real job. Although teaching piano did pay an absurd amount, I only taught twice a week, leaving far too much free time in the rest of the week. It had been Dr. Bailey who made the suggestion of setting at least one goal for myself each day. It had been hard at first, trying to find something to focus my mind on other than Evan’s death, but now it seemed as if I couldn’t make it through a day without picking something to do.
I tried my best to ignore the headache as I changed into some clothes, puling my wavy hair up into a ponytail before I put a bit of make-up on and headed over to print off my resumes. Glancing down at the copies once they were made, I was surprised to see that I hadn’t worked in a legitimate job in almost a year. My boss had made the suggestion of me taking some time off as soon as he heard the news about Evan. I was determined to come back to the job, but after three mental breakdowns, my parents suggested leaving the job and throwing myself into counselling. I knew that any interviewer would understand if I explained the situation, but I still felt as if I had spent the last year doing absolutely nothing. I sighed, setting the papers down so I slip my feet into a pair of flats, glancing out the window and wondering if it too hot to be wearing jeans in this late August heat before deciding that I didn’t care enough either way to go change, grabbing my keys and the resumes off of the table before I snatched my purse from where it hung on the back of the door, and headed out.
---------------------
My headache was still there, although not nearly as strong, when I was done handing out resumes. The rumbling of hunger in my stomach was probably not helping my desire to fight off the dull ache behind my eyes, so I pulled into the parking lot of a small sandwich shop and hopped out to eat something.
I caught a glimpse of my reflection as I pulled open the big glass door and frowned, seeing how many wisps of hair had escaped from my ponytail and were now floating around my face, dancing in the light breeze that was flowing through Pittsburgh. I tried to smooth down as many strands as I could before finally stepping into the small shop, inhaling the scent of freshly baked bread and sighing.
“Smells good, huh?”
I jumped, looking around for a moment before my eyes fell upon Travis, causing a mix of excitement and sadness to wash over me as I took in his face, seeing how he looked so different, but still so much like I had remembered. He was sitting alone, prompting me to take the few steps towards his table and sit down across from him, smiling softly. “It does. I haven’t been in here for so long,” I admitted, my eyes moving past him and up to the menu board, staying there for a moment before I looked back at Travis.
He looked so much like Evan, a similarity I hadn’t noticed when I was around him more often. He had the same green eyes, with the flecks of gold in them that had driven me so crazy when I stared into them. His hair was a lighter shade of brown, but it had the same tousled effect that Evan’s had, the shaggy curls framing his face in such a familiar way.
“I come here once a week,” He said, shaking me from my thoughts. “I don’t really know why. I just woke up one morning, probably a month after the accident, and ended up here. I don’t remember leaving the house or anything. I just sort of woke up from a trance and was sitting here, with that damn beef sandwich staring back at me.”
I laughed, only then noticing the sandwich.
Evan and Kris had started this tradition of eating the same roast beef sandwich before every game Kris played. When they were younger, Kris’ mom would make them one before their tournaments as kids. Evan eventually gave up hockey, but he and Kris stuck to the tradition eating the same sandwich before every game.
It was a disgusting sandwich, too. It was layered with so many slices of roast beef that you could barely fit the sandwich in your mouth. It was covered with melted mozzarella cheese, smothered in horseradish and gravy, so much that it dripped off of the sides. The whole thing was packed into two slices of toasted sour-dough bread, and served with a side of coleslaw that neither one of them either ate. Just the smell of the thing was enough to make me feel sick. If I ever came with the two of them to the shop, I had to sit on the other side of the table and breathe only through my mouth. It took months before I could even look at the thing without feeling sick. I had never managed to watch either one of them eat it. The sight of the goopy gravy and horseradish falling from the sandwich when the took a bite was just too much for me.
Looking down at it now, I didn’t feel any of that. It made me miss those days, if anything. The days when Evan would purposely leave gravy on his lips and kiss my cheek, no matter how hard I fought against him or told him I hated it. Kris and I got along back then, too. He would sit across from us and laugh while I tried to squirm out of Evan’s grip, licking his plate clean as he did so. It seems like it’s always the small things you end up missing when it’s all taken away.
“You come here alone?” I asked, hearing the sound of the bell above the door jingle, signalling another customer.
Travis’s eyes flickered from my face to the door, then back to me. “Not exactly.”
I didn’t even have to turn around, closing my eyes so I could let out another sigh before I opened them again. “He’s right behind me, isn’t he?”
Travis let out a small laugh, nodding his head.
I turned in my seat to face Kris, almost laughing at the shock on his face, so intense that it seemed to drain all the colour from his skin. “I’m leaving, don’t worry,” I said, standing up from the seat. “It was nice to see you, Travis.”
“Wait,” Kris said, stepping in front of me so that I was forced to stop. “You shouldn’t have to leave just because I am here.”
I eyed him for a moment before I gave my head a shake. “What is your game, Kris? One day you’re telling me that I’m ruining your life and everything is my fault, and then you’re apologizing to me, and now you want me to stay? What do you want?”
He didn’t respond for a second, chewing on his lip as he seemed to scan over my face. “I have a lot of issues, Katy. I have a lot to sort through, and that’s why my agent suggested counselling to me. I know that this is only a small step, but I’m trying.”
I was still studying his face, looking for the flashes of rage that had appeared before, waiting for the mask to fall and the bitter man he had become to show through. “What are you trying to do? I don’t understand.”
“I am trying to fix things. Everything,” he said. “I know that we weren’t best friends, but we were friends. And we’re both hurting from this loss. I just…” he paused, letting out a loud sigh as he reached up to take his hat off and scratch his head. “I can’t hate you anymore. I just can’t.”
I rolled my eyes. “Oh, that’s so sweet of you. You know what-”
“Katy,” Travis said, interrupting me and causing me to turn around and face him. “Give him a chance.”
I stared at Travis for a moment, caught between feeling infuriated that he would even say that, and feeling embarrassed that he had to suggest it at the same time. I turned back to Kris, looking up at him and noticing the sadness flashing in his eyes in such a way that it seemed to dull out the life in him. It sent a pang through me that caught me by surprise, the realization that he was trying to fix things, to get rid of the emotions that had clearly haunted the inside of his mind since Evan’s passing.
“I’ll buy,” Kris said quietly, a tiny smile tugging up at one corner of his mouth. “You want your usual?”
It was clear that I had no real say in this situation, and with a slight hesitation I nodded, returning to my seat and ignoring the triumphant smirk on Travis’s face.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
To Live Again
It took three weeks before I ran into Kris again. After I had finally snapped at him that day at the therapists office, he hadn’t been there when I left my appointment. I assumed that he had started coming a little later to avoid me, and I had made many mental notes to thank God, or whoever, later on.
My therapy sessions were coming to an end soon, and Dr. Bailey was hinting at the idea of me making signing up for some more, just in case I wasn’t as held together as I appeared. I agreed with the proposal, to some extent, but was also well aware that I simply didn’t have the money to keep going to therapy sessions for another year. I admitted the problem to her at the end of what would be my last therapy session, picking up the self-help book she had handed me and stuffing it into my purse. “I just don’t have the money for it without having to sacrifice on something.”
She raised her eyebrow at me. “What would you be sacrificing?”
“Rent.”
She laughed, walking me to the door. “Well, I can look into maybe seeing if there’s a way to get you some financial help for this, if you are interested in continuing our sessions. Otherwise, I hope you take care of yourself, and don’t ever hesitate to call me if you find yourself in dire need of talking to someone, okay?”
I smiled, my hand already on the doorknob. “I won’t. Thank you so much, Dr. Bailey. I honestly have no idea how I would have even managed to get out of bed if I hadn’t come here. I really appreciate it.”
“You deserve just as much credit as I do, Kaitlin,” she told me, causing me to stop after I had already pushed the door open, turning to face her once more as she added, “a person can only be helped as much as they’re willing to be helped. You actually wanted to heal and return to living, despite the tragedy. Most people, especially girls, only use therapy as an escape. It’s why so many of them find themselves back in counselling of some form years later.”
I nodded again, sighing. “Well, thank you anyways.”
I turned to leave, stopping when I noticed Kris standing just outside of the door, his gaze already on me when I noticed him. He didn’t say anything, only stepped out of the way so I could exit the doorway. I paused, glancing at him and knowing from the look on his face that he had caught the tail end of our conversation. “I hope you managed to catch what she told me,” I told him quietly, watching his eyes flicker to my face before I moved away from him, hearing Dr. Bailey greet him.
“Kristopher, you’re on time. I’m actually surprised,” she said, ushering him into the room before offering a wave to me.
I smirked at his retreating figure as it disappeared into the room, feeling smug for a moment. I knew that it would pass by the time I had arrived back at my apartment, but for the moment, I had managed to scare off Kris Letang enough that he was purposely showing up late to his counselling sessions just to avoid me yelling at him once more.
------------------------
“You’re officially done therapy,” Sara yelled, throwing a handful of torn up napkin in the air as soon as I stepped through the door.
I frowned, picking a few pieces out of my hair. “A napkin? You celebrated my completion of counselling by tearing up a napkin and throwing it at me?”
Sara shrugged, bending down to gather up the other pieces. “I didn’t have time to buy real confetti, so this is all you get, for now.”
I tossed my purse onto the couch, passing her as I headed into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. “You’re planning a party for me now that I’m emotionally stable enough?”
She grinned. “Maybe. I might have called up a few of our mutual friends and suggested a casual night of clubbing.”
I nearly choked on my water, turning to face her with wide eyes. “Clubbing? Sara, I’ve never enjoyed being packed into a building and having some random guy gyrate against me, and on another note, I’m not sure alcohol is a safe fit for an emotionally unstable person.”
“No, no. You just finished your counselling. You’re stable now!” She reminded me, laughing when I sighed at her. “We’re not planning on drinking a whole bunch, we just want to go out and have fun. You can mock all of the people there with no standards and bad hair.”
“That’s all of the people there,” I reminded her.
“All except for our group!” She yelled, fist pumping. “Come on, Katy. You need to have some fun. I’m really happy that you’re taking care of yourself, but you still need to live a little more.”
I took a drink from my bottle of water, letting out a small sigh afterwards. “What time are you planning on ruining my life?”
She grinned, looking at me over her shoulder as she was making her way into her room. “Eight. And don’t worry, I picked up some clothes for you.”
-------------------
I hadn’t realized it, but during the last year of coping, mourning and counselling, I had lost some weight. Not a great deal, but enough that my clothes had been hanging off of me, and my eyes had begun to look more sunken in. I would have never noticed the change if Sara hadn’t thrown the clothes she had bought me out on my bed. I took one look at the sizes and told her they wouldn’t fit, only for her to point out the way I was constantly pulling up my jeans, tugging up at the collar of my shirts and tightening my sweaters around me.
I sat awkwardly in the new outfit I was wearing, my left hand occasionally playing the with the bottom of the silky blue shirt. The jeans were fine, but they felt stiff, and as I watched some of my friends move around on the dance floor, I shifted uncomfortably in my spot, trying to wear in the jeans a little more.
“Katy, are you just going to sit there and look stunned all night?” Claire asked me, leaning over the table with a grin. “The least you could do is get a drink.”
I smiled at her, a hand reaching up to tug the small curl of my ponytail before brushing away the stray pieces of blond hair that were dancing across my face. “I’m not much for the drinking, actually.”
“Then at least come with me to get a drink,” she compromised. “I don’t want you to just sit here all night.”
I debated the idea for a moment before nodding, sliding out of the booth and standing next to her for a moment so I could smooth out my top and tug up my jeans a bit before I smiled at her. She nodded, seeming to glance over me once before turning and leading me through the bustle of people and towards the bar counter. I apologized to every person I bumped into, feeling my face heat up each time the incident occurred. I hadn’t done much socializing since Evan had… since the incident, and being in such a public environment was just about enough to push me straight over the edge.
Claire leaned over the bar counter, pressing her palms down so she could lean over even more, yelling above the sound of other people around her. The bar tender nodded his head, grabbing two glasses and setting to work.
Claire turned around to face me once more, her dark hair resting around her shoulders as she raised her eyebrows at me. “You hate this, don’t you?”
I let out a small laugh. “I don’t hate it, I just would have been okay with eating ice cream and watching some bad television on my couch. Preferably in sweatpants and an over-sized shirt.”
“Wow, that does sound like the ideal night,” Claire said, rolling her eyes afterwards and having to turn around as the bartender set down the drinks she had ordered. She thanked him, tugging a few bills out of her pocket and sliding them to him before she picked both drinks up and turned to face me holding out one of them.
I made a face, shaking my head. “No, I don’t want to drink anything, I told you that.”
“There’s hardly anything in this, Katy. It just takes like chocolate milk.”
“Then why didn’t you just order me chocolate milk? It wouldn’t have cost as much,” I mumbled, eying the drink in her hand. It did look enticingly delicious, and the longer I let my eyes linger on it, the more I wanted to grab the glass and down the whole thing. “What is it?” I asked, pulling my eyes away from it and looking up at Claire.
She grinned. “It’s called a White Russian. It’s vodka, some Kahula and cream. Have you seen The Big Lebowski?” She waited for me answer, smirking a bit when I admitted I had not. “This is his drink of choice. It’s how I heard about it. Take a sip. If you don’t like it, I’ll just have two.”
She extended a hand to me, shaking the glass a bit to make it seem more desirable. I opened my mouth to object but stopped when I heard someone calling my name, glancing behind me to see who it was. As soon as my eyes landed on him, I turned back to Claire, reaching out and grabbing the drink and taking a large gulp from it, wincing a bit from the first taste of alcohol I’d had in almost a year before nodding. “That actually is delcious.”
“Wow, you just downed half of that,” Claire observed. “What caused tha-” she stopped, her eyes clearly falling onto the approaching figure before she forced a grin onto her face. “Marc, what a surprise.”
Marc-Andre Fleury smiled at her, coming to stand beside me. “You too. It’s been a long time,” he greeted.
I stared down at the cup in my head, suddenly wishing it was just a glass full of whisky or something strong enough to make this moment more bearable.
Marc cleared his throat. “Katy, I haven’t seen you in a long time.”
I sighed, looking up at him. “Yeah, I haven’t been out much.”
He nodded, seeming to study my face for a moment. “You know, there’s a few of us here, and we’d all love to-”
“No, I’m with my friends tonight celebrating, so I’ll have to pass on seeing the others,” I interrupted, taking another drink from my cup.
“Oh, okay,” he said. “What are you celebrating, may I ask?”
Without even giving it a second thought I answered, “I just finished my counselling sessions. Ten months of them, actually, so I’m confirmed to be emotionally stable now,” I said, glancing down at my almost gone drink and then up at Claire. “Are you sure there’s not much in this?”
She nodded, seeming amused by the current situation. “It’s probably because you haven’t had any alcohol before, and I’m not sure you’ve eaten anything.”
Marc cleared his throat again from beside me. “Well, I’m happy to see you, Katy. Don’t be afraid to call me, you know?” He said, tugging his phone out of his pocket. “Do we have each others numbers?”
I glanced from his phone to him and then back up. “Marc, listen-”
He shook his head, cutting off the sentence before I could say it. “I will not let you push us all away anymore. I know you are still hurting, far worse then everyone else who knew him, but you shouldn’t lose everyone who was a part of your life back then.”
I studied his face for a moment, seeing the same kindness that had always been so vibrant in Marc’s face. He and I had never been close friends, in fact I hardly knew any of Kris and Evan’s hockey friends, but Marc had always been nothing but kind to me, always inviting me to the games and always telling Evan to send me his greetings. I chewed on my lip for a moment before leaning over so I could give my number, and then being told to hand him my phone so he could punch in and save his number.
Claire cleared her throat, catching both Marc and I’s attention as she smiled at the two of us. “Well, Katy and I should probably get back to our friends.” She said, reaching out her free hand to tug me towards her. “But it was super nice to see you again, Marc.”
He nodded, raising an eyebrow at her odd behaviour as he did so, but smiled after. “It was. Katy, I hope to hear from you soon.” He gave a half wave to us, turning to head back over to wherever he came from.
I shot an odd look at Claire. “What’s your deal?”
She shrugged, “What do you mean? Do you want to dance? Get another drink? You definitely need another drink, that one’s almost gone.”
I laughed, “Claire, I’m fine. I’ll just head back over to the table, and you can go get another drink or whatever.”
I turned to head back over to the table, ignoring Claire as she tried to convince me to come back with her. I had only gotten two feet when I sighed, glancing at her over my shoulder. “Now I see why you didn’t want me to come this way.”
Kris stood about ten feet away from me, a stunned expression on his face as he simply stared at me. His dark hair wasn’t constricted by his usual backwards hat this time, and the loose fitted, dark blue shirt he was wearing hung loosely around as he held a half-empty beer bottle in his right hand. Without taking his eyes off of me, he lifted the bottle to his lips, taking a swig of it before he took a few steps towards me.
There wasn’t much left in the glass that Claire had ordered me just a short while before, but I lifted the glass up and gulped the rest of it as I waited for him to arrive in front of me. The rage that I had been so overwhelmed with when I saw him last was vacant from my bones, and as I looked up at him, I could only feel the longing of sleep creep up into my face. I sighed, brushing the stray pieces of hair out of my face. “What do you want? Are you mad that I ended up at the same club as you? Is this your territory, too?”
Kris didn’t say anything, lifting his bottle up again to take another drink from it. He cleared his throat, his eyes moving so they were looking just past me as he mumbled, “I’m sorry.”
I leaned my head back a bit in surprise, shaking it a bit. “What did you just say?”
He sighed, meeting my gaze again. “I said I’m sorry. I was a dick, and I’m sorry.”
I was silent for a few seconds, mainly because of how shocked I was by the apology, but once I shook myself from the daze I gave a curt nod. “Thanks.”
There was a tense silence between us, both of stealing quick glances at the other one, unsure of the situation. I finally rook a step back from him, glancing around me. “Well, I’m going to go back to my friends now.” I waited for him to say something, but after at least a full minute of him simply staring at me with this lost look on his face, I turned and headed back over to where Claire was still standing with a worried look splashed across her face.
“Alright," I said, handing her my empty glass and making long strides past her, "I think I’m ready for another drink.”
My therapy sessions were coming to an end soon, and Dr. Bailey was hinting at the idea of me making signing up for some more, just in case I wasn’t as held together as I appeared. I agreed with the proposal, to some extent, but was also well aware that I simply didn’t have the money to keep going to therapy sessions for another year. I admitted the problem to her at the end of what would be my last therapy session, picking up the self-help book she had handed me and stuffing it into my purse. “I just don’t have the money for it without having to sacrifice on something.”
She raised her eyebrow at me. “What would you be sacrificing?”
“Rent.”
She laughed, walking me to the door. “Well, I can look into maybe seeing if there’s a way to get you some financial help for this, if you are interested in continuing our sessions. Otherwise, I hope you take care of yourself, and don’t ever hesitate to call me if you find yourself in dire need of talking to someone, okay?”
I smiled, my hand already on the doorknob. “I won’t. Thank you so much, Dr. Bailey. I honestly have no idea how I would have even managed to get out of bed if I hadn’t come here. I really appreciate it.”
“You deserve just as much credit as I do, Kaitlin,” she told me, causing me to stop after I had already pushed the door open, turning to face her once more as she added, “a person can only be helped as much as they’re willing to be helped. You actually wanted to heal and return to living, despite the tragedy. Most people, especially girls, only use therapy as an escape. It’s why so many of them find themselves back in counselling of some form years later.”
I nodded again, sighing. “Well, thank you anyways.”
I turned to leave, stopping when I noticed Kris standing just outside of the door, his gaze already on me when I noticed him. He didn’t say anything, only stepped out of the way so I could exit the doorway. I paused, glancing at him and knowing from the look on his face that he had caught the tail end of our conversation. “I hope you managed to catch what she told me,” I told him quietly, watching his eyes flicker to my face before I moved away from him, hearing Dr. Bailey greet him.
“Kristopher, you’re on time. I’m actually surprised,” she said, ushering him into the room before offering a wave to me.
I smirked at his retreating figure as it disappeared into the room, feeling smug for a moment. I knew that it would pass by the time I had arrived back at my apartment, but for the moment, I had managed to scare off Kris Letang enough that he was purposely showing up late to his counselling sessions just to avoid me yelling at him once more.
------------------------
“You’re officially done therapy,” Sara yelled, throwing a handful of torn up napkin in the air as soon as I stepped through the door.
I frowned, picking a few pieces out of my hair. “A napkin? You celebrated my completion of counselling by tearing up a napkin and throwing it at me?”
Sara shrugged, bending down to gather up the other pieces. “I didn’t have time to buy real confetti, so this is all you get, for now.”
I tossed my purse onto the couch, passing her as I headed into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water. “You’re planning a party for me now that I’m emotionally stable enough?”
She grinned. “Maybe. I might have called up a few of our mutual friends and suggested a casual night of clubbing.”
I nearly choked on my water, turning to face her with wide eyes. “Clubbing? Sara, I’ve never enjoyed being packed into a building and having some random guy gyrate against me, and on another note, I’m not sure alcohol is a safe fit for an emotionally unstable person.”
“No, no. You just finished your counselling. You’re stable now!” She reminded me, laughing when I sighed at her. “We’re not planning on drinking a whole bunch, we just want to go out and have fun. You can mock all of the people there with no standards and bad hair.”
“That’s all of the people there,” I reminded her.
“All except for our group!” She yelled, fist pumping. “Come on, Katy. You need to have some fun. I’m really happy that you’re taking care of yourself, but you still need to live a little more.”
I took a drink from my bottle of water, letting out a small sigh afterwards. “What time are you planning on ruining my life?”
She grinned, looking at me over her shoulder as she was making her way into her room. “Eight. And don’t worry, I picked up some clothes for you.”
-------------------
I hadn’t realized it, but during the last year of coping, mourning and counselling, I had lost some weight. Not a great deal, but enough that my clothes had been hanging off of me, and my eyes had begun to look more sunken in. I would have never noticed the change if Sara hadn’t thrown the clothes she had bought me out on my bed. I took one look at the sizes and told her they wouldn’t fit, only for her to point out the way I was constantly pulling up my jeans, tugging up at the collar of my shirts and tightening my sweaters around me.
I sat awkwardly in the new outfit I was wearing, my left hand occasionally playing the with the bottom of the silky blue shirt. The jeans were fine, but they felt stiff, and as I watched some of my friends move around on the dance floor, I shifted uncomfortably in my spot, trying to wear in the jeans a little more.
“Katy, are you just going to sit there and look stunned all night?” Claire asked me, leaning over the table with a grin. “The least you could do is get a drink.”
I smiled at her, a hand reaching up to tug the small curl of my ponytail before brushing away the stray pieces of blond hair that were dancing across my face. “I’m not much for the drinking, actually.”
“Then at least come with me to get a drink,” she compromised. “I don’t want you to just sit here all night.”
I debated the idea for a moment before nodding, sliding out of the booth and standing next to her for a moment so I could smooth out my top and tug up my jeans a bit before I smiled at her. She nodded, seeming to glance over me once before turning and leading me through the bustle of people and towards the bar counter. I apologized to every person I bumped into, feeling my face heat up each time the incident occurred. I hadn’t done much socializing since Evan had… since the incident, and being in such a public environment was just about enough to push me straight over the edge.
Claire leaned over the bar counter, pressing her palms down so she could lean over even more, yelling above the sound of other people around her. The bar tender nodded his head, grabbing two glasses and setting to work.
Claire turned around to face me once more, her dark hair resting around her shoulders as she raised her eyebrows at me. “You hate this, don’t you?”
I let out a small laugh. “I don’t hate it, I just would have been okay with eating ice cream and watching some bad television on my couch. Preferably in sweatpants and an over-sized shirt.”
“Wow, that does sound like the ideal night,” Claire said, rolling her eyes afterwards and having to turn around as the bartender set down the drinks she had ordered. She thanked him, tugging a few bills out of her pocket and sliding them to him before she picked both drinks up and turned to face me holding out one of them.
I made a face, shaking my head. “No, I don’t want to drink anything, I told you that.”
“There’s hardly anything in this, Katy. It just takes like chocolate milk.”
“Then why didn’t you just order me chocolate milk? It wouldn’t have cost as much,” I mumbled, eying the drink in her hand. It did look enticingly delicious, and the longer I let my eyes linger on it, the more I wanted to grab the glass and down the whole thing. “What is it?” I asked, pulling my eyes away from it and looking up at Claire.
She grinned. “It’s called a White Russian. It’s vodka, some Kahula and cream. Have you seen The Big Lebowski?” She waited for me answer, smirking a bit when I admitted I had not. “This is his drink of choice. It’s how I heard about it. Take a sip. If you don’t like it, I’ll just have two.”
She extended a hand to me, shaking the glass a bit to make it seem more desirable. I opened my mouth to object but stopped when I heard someone calling my name, glancing behind me to see who it was. As soon as my eyes landed on him, I turned back to Claire, reaching out and grabbing the drink and taking a large gulp from it, wincing a bit from the first taste of alcohol I’d had in almost a year before nodding. “That actually is delcious.”
“Wow, you just downed half of that,” Claire observed. “What caused tha-” she stopped, her eyes clearly falling onto the approaching figure before she forced a grin onto her face. “Marc, what a surprise.”
Marc-Andre Fleury smiled at her, coming to stand beside me. “You too. It’s been a long time,” he greeted.
I stared down at the cup in my head, suddenly wishing it was just a glass full of whisky or something strong enough to make this moment more bearable.
Marc cleared his throat. “Katy, I haven’t seen you in a long time.”
I sighed, looking up at him. “Yeah, I haven’t been out much.”
He nodded, seeming to study my face for a moment. “You know, there’s a few of us here, and we’d all love to-”
“No, I’m with my friends tonight celebrating, so I’ll have to pass on seeing the others,” I interrupted, taking another drink from my cup.
“Oh, okay,” he said. “What are you celebrating, may I ask?”
Without even giving it a second thought I answered, “I just finished my counselling sessions. Ten months of them, actually, so I’m confirmed to be emotionally stable now,” I said, glancing down at my almost gone drink and then up at Claire. “Are you sure there’s not much in this?”
She nodded, seeming amused by the current situation. “It’s probably because you haven’t had any alcohol before, and I’m not sure you’ve eaten anything.”
Marc cleared his throat again from beside me. “Well, I’m happy to see you, Katy. Don’t be afraid to call me, you know?” He said, tugging his phone out of his pocket. “Do we have each others numbers?”
I glanced from his phone to him and then back up. “Marc, listen-”
He shook his head, cutting off the sentence before I could say it. “I will not let you push us all away anymore. I know you are still hurting, far worse then everyone else who knew him, but you shouldn’t lose everyone who was a part of your life back then.”
I studied his face for a moment, seeing the same kindness that had always been so vibrant in Marc’s face. He and I had never been close friends, in fact I hardly knew any of Kris and Evan’s hockey friends, but Marc had always been nothing but kind to me, always inviting me to the games and always telling Evan to send me his greetings. I chewed on my lip for a moment before leaning over so I could give my number, and then being told to hand him my phone so he could punch in and save his number.
Claire cleared her throat, catching both Marc and I’s attention as she smiled at the two of us. “Well, Katy and I should probably get back to our friends.” She said, reaching out her free hand to tug me towards her. “But it was super nice to see you again, Marc.”
He nodded, raising an eyebrow at her odd behaviour as he did so, but smiled after. “It was. Katy, I hope to hear from you soon.” He gave a half wave to us, turning to head back over to wherever he came from.
I shot an odd look at Claire. “What’s your deal?”
She shrugged, “What do you mean? Do you want to dance? Get another drink? You definitely need another drink, that one’s almost gone.”
I laughed, “Claire, I’m fine. I’ll just head back over to the table, and you can go get another drink or whatever.”
I turned to head back over to the table, ignoring Claire as she tried to convince me to come back with her. I had only gotten two feet when I sighed, glancing at her over my shoulder. “Now I see why you didn’t want me to come this way.”
Kris stood about ten feet away from me, a stunned expression on his face as he simply stared at me. His dark hair wasn’t constricted by his usual backwards hat this time, and the loose fitted, dark blue shirt he was wearing hung loosely around as he held a half-empty beer bottle in his right hand. Without taking his eyes off of me, he lifted the bottle to his lips, taking a swig of it before he took a few steps towards me.
There wasn’t much left in the glass that Claire had ordered me just a short while before, but I lifted the glass up and gulped the rest of it as I waited for him to arrive in front of me. The rage that I had been so overwhelmed with when I saw him last was vacant from my bones, and as I looked up at him, I could only feel the longing of sleep creep up into my face. I sighed, brushing the stray pieces of hair out of my face. “What do you want? Are you mad that I ended up at the same club as you? Is this your territory, too?”
Kris didn’t say anything, lifting his bottle up again to take another drink from it. He cleared his throat, his eyes moving so they were looking just past me as he mumbled, “I’m sorry.”
I leaned my head back a bit in surprise, shaking it a bit. “What did you just say?”
He sighed, meeting my gaze again. “I said I’m sorry. I was a dick, and I’m sorry.”
I was silent for a few seconds, mainly because of how shocked I was by the apology, but once I shook myself from the daze I gave a curt nod. “Thanks.”
There was a tense silence between us, both of stealing quick glances at the other one, unsure of the situation. I finally rook a step back from him, glancing around me. “Well, I’m going to go back to my friends now.” I waited for him to say something, but after at least a full minute of him simply staring at me with this lost look on his face, I turned and headed back over to where Claire was still standing with a worried look splashed across her face.
“Alright," I said, handing her my empty glass and making long strides past her, "I think I’m ready for another drink.”
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Goodnight Noises
“I played our song on the piano,” I told Dr. Bailey.
She glanced up at me curiously. “On the piano, you played it?” She asked, watching as I nodded my head. “What is your song, may I ask that?”
I swallowed the lump forming in my throat, staring down at my hands. “It’s a song called ‘Goodnight Noises Everywhere’, by a band called As Tall As Lions.”
She nodded. “Why was it your song?”
“We went and saw them in concert. It was supposed to be us and our other friend, but he couldn’t make it, so we sold the ticket to some kid on the street and went to the show alone,” I began, reaching a hand up to fix my hair. “They came out and played that song as an encore, and Evan and I, we both went to lean down and grab our stuff at the same time, intending on just leaving without listening to the song so we could beat the traffic out. I don’t really know what happened, but our heads clunked, and we started laughing, falling back into our seats. The two ladies next to us hushed us, because the song is pretty quiet when it first starts, and we both ended up getting lost in it. Evan and I…” I had to stop, realizing that my voice was breaking. I took a moment to breathe before clearing my throat and trying again. “Evan and I had never ever even discussed being anything more then friends. It never even crossed my mind. But, when the song was over, I realized that he had reached over and put his hand on top of my mine. I still don’t know if he did knowingly or if it just kind of happened, we were both so entranced with the song, but everything about our relationship changed in that moment. Dan Nigro, the singer of the band, his voice has this captivating quality to it, and we were both completely lost in the texture of it, but when I seemed to realize that Evan’s hand was on mine, it was like he was snapped out of his trance then. He turned to look at me, and he didn’t say anything, but he lifted his hand off of mine and turned back to look at the stage.” I bit my lip, glancing up at Dr. Bailey quickly to see how she was reacting to the story. Her face was almost void of emotion at the moment, except for a small furrow in her brow. I thought she was bored of my story telling, but when I took an extra second to examine her, I realized that she was trying to hold back her own emotions. I licked my lips and continued the story. “He didn’t say anything after the concert about the whole hand thing. In fact, he barely spoke at all, the whole drive back home. He had to help me carry in all of my stuff, because I had gone shopping before the concert and bought way too much crap, and as he was heading out of my house, and I was waiting to lock the door, he stopped, and he turned around to look at me for a minute. He had this look that I had never seen on his face before, and I thought he was mad at me for a second because he looked so intense, but then, he let out this soft sigh, which was Evan’s trademark, I swear, and he said, ‘You’re beautiful Kaitln. You’re infuriatingly beautiful.’ And then he picked up my hand and kissed the back of it, and he left.”
Dr. Bailey was silent for a moment, and when I lifted my eyes to glance up at her again, I was surprised to see a glossy look in her eyes. She cleared her throat, adjusting herself in her seat. “So, that song, it was sort of like the first step in you and Evan becoming a couple?”
“Kind of. It took another week before we actually decided to give dating a shot, but it was that night that I actually thought of him as something other than Evan, the guy I got partnered with in ninth grade French. I just kept thinking about that moment where his hand was on top of mine, and the music was playing, and after a couple of days of thinking about it, I realized that what made that moment so odd to me was how much I wished he had done that sooner. I guess it was the first time I stopped and realized that Evan was… Evan was what I wanted.” I let out a sigh, my eyes already watered over. “I thought he was going to be the one but…” I didn’t finish the sentence, my voice cracking.
Dr. Bailey let out a loud breath of air before apologizing. “I’m sorry, Katy, but it appears that our time is up for this session. I feel like we made great progress though,” she told me, walking me towards the door. “I know we only have a few sessions left, but I feel like this one was the real landmark of progress. It’s taken quite some time, but you’re ability to discuss Evan without a bitterness towards his passing, it’s a remarkable thing, Katy.”
I smiled, wiping my eyes. “Thank you. I’ll see you next week,” I told her, placing my purse strap on my shoulder and heading out of her office.
Kris was there again, sitting in the same spot. He saw me immediately, his eyes taking on the look of anger that they held last time I had seen him. Dr. Bailey was talking to her receptionist, and for whatever reason, the waiting room was almost empty. There was only one other man there, and he was asleep in the chair with his headphones in his ears, a Readers Digest Magazine open on his lap.
I shut my eyes and took in a deep breath of air before walking across the room and stopping in front of Kris, trying not to be intimidated by the look he sent me. “Can we talk?”
He moved his gaze away from me. “I have nothing to say to you.”
I rubbed my forehead, glancing back at Dr. Bailey, relieved to find her still pre-occupied. “We have to talk at some point, Kris. It’s not fair of you to just hold something against me without ever allowing me the courtesy of knowing what it is I did.”
He snorted, still not meeting my gaze. “Wow, you’ve been coming here a while, eh?”
I let out a quiet sigh. “You being here clearly means that you want to change things. Why can’t you at least talk to me? If you still hate me afterwards, that’s fine, but can’t you at least sit down and talk to me once?”
Kris stood up, looking down at me. “I am here because I finally have enough time off to try and deal with the fact that my best friend is dead. I didn’t come here because I missed you. But, of course you assume that. Because everyone’s life must revolve around you, right Katy?”
I shook my head, taken aback by his tone. “I didn’t mean that at all, I just don’t there to be such a rift between us anymore.”
“You caused the rift. You put yourself first, and you put everything else second. Evan wouldn’t have even been in the car if you hadn’t told him to come see you. He would have been sitting in the basement with me, playing video games, and he’d still be here.” Kris said, his voice dangerously low. “If you had never called him and told him to come see you, he wouldn’t have wanted to leave and I wouldn’t have said-” he stopped, his jaw clenching as he looked away from me again. I could see the way his eyes had filled up with tears, and how desperately he was trying to blink them back. He looked back at me, one of the tears spilling over. “He’s dead because you couldn’t go one day without seeing him. I lost my best friend because you needed him to come tell you how pretty you were.”
I made no effort to fight the emotions that had taken over my face, feeling the tears roll down my cheeks and rest on the bottom of my chin for a moment before falling onto my shirt. “I didn’t ask him to come see me. I just asked him where he was.”
“You knew that he would leave wherever he was to come see you!” Kris said, his voice raising. “And as soon as everyone finds out that he’s gone, they all want to know how you are. Not me, the guy who was his best friend for years, just you. It was always about you.” He shook his head, tugging his hat off and shaking his hair out. “Everything was always about you.”
I wiped my face, trying to find my voice. “I’m sorry that you hate me,” I said, my voice so soft that I was completely shocked he could hear me. “But I promise you, that I have blamed myself for Evan’s death more than you ever could, so if your only reason for hating me is that you think I don’t feel guilty enough, you never knew me in the first place.”
I heard his name being called behind me as I sniffled, trying not to lose complete control of myself. Kris was silent, and when I glanced up at him I saw a flash of remorse cross his face, his hand lifting as if he was going to place it n my shoulder before he let it fall back to his side and the look of anger washed across his features once more. “I didn’t want to see you again. You being here has just ruined everything.”
“Wow, you’re just blaming me for everything now, aren’t you? You picked the therapist two blocks away from my house, but it’s my fault that I’m here?” I asked, shaking my head. The sadness had cried itself out of my system, and as I looked up at him once more I was overwhelmed with a sense of disgust and fury that I hadn’t felt boiling inside of me for a long time. “Go fuck yourself, Letang.”
I pushed past him, taking long strides towards the door, and not slowing down my pace at all as I hustled my way towards my car, getting and waiting until the car was started to bash my fists against the steering wheel and scream. I had to catch my breath afterwards, rubbing my hands against my face as I tried to calm myself down.
The only form of calmness I felt was the small glimpse of shock that had slapped itself across Kris’ face when I had snapped at him. That brief look of utter surprise, of actual hurt that he seemed to feel at my lashing out at him, even if only briefly, was enough to make the whole ordeal seem worth it. At least for a few moments.
She glanced up at me curiously. “On the piano, you played it?” She asked, watching as I nodded my head. “What is your song, may I ask that?”
I swallowed the lump forming in my throat, staring down at my hands. “It’s a song called ‘Goodnight Noises Everywhere’, by a band called As Tall As Lions.”
She nodded. “Why was it your song?”
“We went and saw them in concert. It was supposed to be us and our other friend, but he couldn’t make it, so we sold the ticket to some kid on the street and went to the show alone,” I began, reaching a hand up to fix my hair. “They came out and played that song as an encore, and Evan and I, we both went to lean down and grab our stuff at the same time, intending on just leaving without listening to the song so we could beat the traffic out. I don’t really know what happened, but our heads clunked, and we started laughing, falling back into our seats. The two ladies next to us hushed us, because the song is pretty quiet when it first starts, and we both ended up getting lost in it. Evan and I…” I had to stop, realizing that my voice was breaking. I took a moment to breathe before clearing my throat and trying again. “Evan and I had never ever even discussed being anything more then friends. It never even crossed my mind. But, when the song was over, I realized that he had reached over and put his hand on top of my mine. I still don’t know if he did knowingly or if it just kind of happened, we were both so entranced with the song, but everything about our relationship changed in that moment. Dan Nigro, the singer of the band, his voice has this captivating quality to it, and we were both completely lost in the texture of it, but when I seemed to realize that Evan’s hand was on mine, it was like he was snapped out of his trance then. He turned to look at me, and he didn’t say anything, but he lifted his hand off of mine and turned back to look at the stage.” I bit my lip, glancing up at Dr. Bailey quickly to see how she was reacting to the story. Her face was almost void of emotion at the moment, except for a small furrow in her brow. I thought she was bored of my story telling, but when I took an extra second to examine her, I realized that she was trying to hold back her own emotions. I licked my lips and continued the story. “He didn’t say anything after the concert about the whole hand thing. In fact, he barely spoke at all, the whole drive back home. He had to help me carry in all of my stuff, because I had gone shopping before the concert and bought way too much crap, and as he was heading out of my house, and I was waiting to lock the door, he stopped, and he turned around to look at me for a minute. He had this look that I had never seen on his face before, and I thought he was mad at me for a second because he looked so intense, but then, he let out this soft sigh, which was Evan’s trademark, I swear, and he said, ‘You’re beautiful Kaitln. You’re infuriatingly beautiful.’ And then he picked up my hand and kissed the back of it, and he left.”
Dr. Bailey was silent for a moment, and when I lifted my eyes to glance up at her again, I was surprised to see a glossy look in her eyes. She cleared her throat, adjusting herself in her seat. “So, that song, it was sort of like the first step in you and Evan becoming a couple?”
“Kind of. It took another week before we actually decided to give dating a shot, but it was that night that I actually thought of him as something other than Evan, the guy I got partnered with in ninth grade French. I just kept thinking about that moment where his hand was on top of mine, and the music was playing, and after a couple of days of thinking about it, I realized that what made that moment so odd to me was how much I wished he had done that sooner. I guess it was the first time I stopped and realized that Evan was… Evan was what I wanted.” I let out a sigh, my eyes already watered over. “I thought he was going to be the one but…” I didn’t finish the sentence, my voice cracking.
Dr. Bailey let out a loud breath of air before apologizing. “I’m sorry, Katy, but it appears that our time is up for this session. I feel like we made great progress though,” she told me, walking me towards the door. “I know we only have a few sessions left, but I feel like this one was the real landmark of progress. It’s taken quite some time, but you’re ability to discuss Evan without a bitterness towards his passing, it’s a remarkable thing, Katy.”
I smiled, wiping my eyes. “Thank you. I’ll see you next week,” I told her, placing my purse strap on my shoulder and heading out of her office.
Kris was there again, sitting in the same spot. He saw me immediately, his eyes taking on the look of anger that they held last time I had seen him. Dr. Bailey was talking to her receptionist, and for whatever reason, the waiting room was almost empty. There was only one other man there, and he was asleep in the chair with his headphones in his ears, a Readers Digest Magazine open on his lap.
I shut my eyes and took in a deep breath of air before walking across the room and stopping in front of Kris, trying not to be intimidated by the look he sent me. “Can we talk?”
He moved his gaze away from me. “I have nothing to say to you.”
I rubbed my forehead, glancing back at Dr. Bailey, relieved to find her still pre-occupied. “We have to talk at some point, Kris. It’s not fair of you to just hold something against me without ever allowing me the courtesy of knowing what it is I did.”
He snorted, still not meeting my gaze. “Wow, you’ve been coming here a while, eh?”
I let out a quiet sigh. “You being here clearly means that you want to change things. Why can’t you at least talk to me? If you still hate me afterwards, that’s fine, but can’t you at least sit down and talk to me once?”
Kris stood up, looking down at me. “I am here because I finally have enough time off to try and deal with the fact that my best friend is dead. I didn’t come here because I missed you. But, of course you assume that. Because everyone’s life must revolve around you, right Katy?”
I shook my head, taken aback by his tone. “I didn’t mean that at all, I just don’t there to be such a rift between us anymore.”
“You caused the rift. You put yourself first, and you put everything else second. Evan wouldn’t have even been in the car if you hadn’t told him to come see you. He would have been sitting in the basement with me, playing video games, and he’d still be here.” Kris said, his voice dangerously low. “If you had never called him and told him to come see you, he wouldn’t have wanted to leave and I wouldn’t have said-” he stopped, his jaw clenching as he looked away from me again. I could see the way his eyes had filled up with tears, and how desperately he was trying to blink them back. He looked back at me, one of the tears spilling over. “He’s dead because you couldn’t go one day without seeing him. I lost my best friend because you needed him to come tell you how pretty you were.”
I made no effort to fight the emotions that had taken over my face, feeling the tears roll down my cheeks and rest on the bottom of my chin for a moment before falling onto my shirt. “I didn’t ask him to come see me. I just asked him where he was.”
“You knew that he would leave wherever he was to come see you!” Kris said, his voice raising. “And as soon as everyone finds out that he’s gone, they all want to know how you are. Not me, the guy who was his best friend for years, just you. It was always about you.” He shook his head, tugging his hat off and shaking his hair out. “Everything was always about you.”
I wiped my face, trying to find my voice. “I’m sorry that you hate me,” I said, my voice so soft that I was completely shocked he could hear me. “But I promise you, that I have blamed myself for Evan’s death more than you ever could, so if your only reason for hating me is that you think I don’t feel guilty enough, you never knew me in the first place.”
I heard his name being called behind me as I sniffled, trying not to lose complete control of myself. Kris was silent, and when I glanced up at him I saw a flash of remorse cross his face, his hand lifting as if he was going to place it n my shoulder before he let it fall back to his side and the look of anger washed across his features once more. “I didn’t want to see you again. You being here has just ruined everything.”
“Wow, you’re just blaming me for everything now, aren’t you? You picked the therapist two blocks away from my house, but it’s my fault that I’m here?” I asked, shaking my head. The sadness had cried itself out of my system, and as I looked up at him once more I was overwhelmed with a sense of disgust and fury that I hadn’t felt boiling inside of me for a long time. “Go fuck yourself, Letang.”
I pushed past him, taking long strides towards the door, and not slowing down my pace at all as I hustled my way towards my car, getting and waiting until the car was started to bash my fists against the steering wheel and scream. I had to catch my breath afterwards, rubbing my hands against my face as I tried to calm myself down.
The only form of calmness I felt was the small glimpse of shock that had slapped itself across Kris’ face when I had snapped at him. That brief look of utter surprise, of actual hurt that he seemed to feel at my lashing out at him, even if only briefly, was enough to make the whole ordeal seem worth it. At least for a few moments.
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