By the time I finally made my way back to the apartment, I was able to process the day’s events.
My entire body seemed to shake with a sense of guilt that I had inevitably picked up after Kris’ quick peck to the corner of my mouth. My mind seemed to swimming through a haze, trying to find the exact emotion that the whole conversation had evoked inside of me.
“Are you okay?” Sara asked me, pausing in the midst of making herself a sandwich to glance over at me with a worried glance.
I leaned back against the now closed door. “Kris told me he was in love with me.”
She raised an eyebrow, “Okay. I mean, you already knew that, so…”
“And then he tried to kiss me,” I added, watching her face change into a look of sincere surprise. “So, to answer your question, I’m not sure.”
“Wow, he just… he just did that,” Sara said, giving her head a small shake. “How do you feel?”
I made my way over to the kitchen, plopping down in one of the small wooden chairs. “I don’t know. Guilt is probably the most evident one I can feel.”
“Guilty?” Sara repeated, abandoning the sandwich all together. “Because of Evan?”
I nodded. “Kris told me that he never expected Evan and I to end up liking one another.”
“Ah, it’s one of these stories,” she observed, sitting across from me. “Kris had a crush on you first, but he left and you and Evan fell in love, right?” She watched me nod, smirking a bit. “Seriously, Katy. You should write a book about your life, it has all the makings of a hit; A family you don’t like, a boyfriend you loved that passed away, his bitter and emotionally unstable best friend who’s in love with you,” she paused, flipping her dark hair over her shoulder, “and a beautiful best friend who will probably marry a male mod.”
I smiled a bit at her, letting out a sigh. “Things would be so much simpler if Evan hadn’t died.”
“Yeah, what a jerk, going off and dying like that,” Sara agreed, ducking as I grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl and chucked it at her. “So, what do you do now?”
I frowned. “About what?”
Sara stared at me for a moment before making an obvious glance at the calendar, signalling for me to check the date. I did so, feeling a stronger wave of guilt hit me as I noticed the date. “Evan’s birthday is in three days.”
“You would have remembered by tomorrow,” Sara comforted. “You’ve barely slept in the last couple of days, your track of time is off.”
“I hope that’s all it is,” I said, pursing my lips. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I miss the friendship Kris and I had before everything, and I guess that, when I think about it, I guess I might have liked him at the start-”
“Don’t do that,” Sara interrupted. “Don’t try to feel bad for Kris because he had a crush on you in high school that he never acted on. You loved Evan, Katy. Evan, not Kris.”
“I know that,” I said. “I’m just… everything feels like it’s spinning now that I actually heard it from Kris, you know? It’s like, he took all of the stability I spent this last year gathering, all of the security, the closure, the everything, and he just put on a string and is using it as a Yo-Yo.”
Sara shook her head a bit. “Seriously, write a book.”
I had to giggle a bit at her. “Why can’t things just be normal?”
Sara smirked at me, standing up to head back over to the sandwich she had been in the middle of putting together. “What is normal, Katy?”
I let my forehead drop down to rest on the table. “I don’t know, but I’ve never wanted anything as much as I want to know what it feels like.”
--------------------------------
The Pittsburgh Penguins organization was throwing a huge party in Evan’s honour. Even though he had only played one game as an actual Penguin, they knew how close he and Kris were, and had organized a charity event to celebrate the big occasion. I knew as soon as I stepped into the room and spotted the As Tall As Lions poster, that Kris had contributed a lot of ideas.
I had purposely strayed from being fully involved in these types of events. I had helped Evan’s parents with the one year anniversary of his passing, which was a small gathering at their house where his father unveiled the mural he had painted in his son’s memory. When it comes to events as large as this one, where over 500 people were showing up to support the foundation that had been started in Evan’s honour, I couldn’t handle it.
“Kaitlin, I’m so happy to see you,” Dan Bylsma greeted. Bylsma had only briefly met Evan, but he had made it clear to both myself and Evan’s family that Evan had made an impact those few brief meetings. “Flower told me that you completed your first year of therapy.”
I smiled, tugging at the bottom of the dress I was wearing. “Yes, I have. I didn’t realize that was such news.”
Dan smiled. “Well, I hope everything is to your liking. If there’s something off here, you just let someone know.”
“Thanks. I’m sure it’s fine,” I told him, feeling relieved when someone else wondered over to talk to him, allowing me to excuse myself.
“Katy!” Travis yelled to me, speed walking towards me. “Hi. Are you good?” He asked.
I felt my face scrunch up a bit. “Yes? Are you?”
He sighed, glancing behind you. “Your parents are here.”
I felt my face pale. “What?”
“I guess my mom invited your mom, and your parents caught the first flight out and… I’m sorry.”
I sighed, brushing my bangs back. “That’s okay. I mean, I can handle them for a little while.”
He nodded, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder. “I’m sorry about the other day, too. You booked it out of their pretty fast once I came back.”
At the mention of Kris’ house just a couple of days before, I felt my stomach tighten. “Don’t worry about it,” I said, waving a hand through air to dismiss the subject. “I guess I should head off and find my family, huh?”
Travis gave me a smirk, patting my shoulder and pointing me over to the cabinet that they had brought in and filled with pictures of Evan while playing for the Wilkes-Barrie/Scranton Penguins, along with a couple of pictures from his first and only call-up. My dad was peering in and looking closely at every picture, while my mom stood behind me and picked the lint off of the back of his shirt, her dyed blonde hair piled on top of her head in such a fashion that I gained second-hand embarrassment from it.
I stopped a couple of feet away from them, clearing my throat and smiling at them when they finally noticed me. “Hi.”
“Oh, my baby girl,” My mom yelled, reaching out to tug me into a hug, smothering my face into the shoulder of her velvet dress. “You strong girl, how have you been?”
“Let go of her, Cynthia, the girl probably can’t breathe with her face shoved into your shoulder like that,” my dad said, one of his hands grasping my shoulder and gently tugging me away from my mother so he could look at me. “How are you, Kaitlin?”
I had to smooth out my dress, stepping away from my mom’s hand as she tried to reach out and play with my dress. “I’m fine, not that either one of you ever called to see how I was.”
“Oh, not this again,” my mom groaned, letting her head dip back before she looked at me. “Kaitlin, you know that your father and I are busy people. We can’t just drop everything and come to you every time you’re sad.”
“Sad?” I repeated. “My boyfriend died, that’s a little different then me being ‘sad’, don’t you think?”
“Now, there’s no need to get out of hand here, you two,” my dad said, stopping the argument before it could develop into anything else. “Kaitlin, it’s nice to see you again. We miss you at home.”
I bit back the urge to say, “I doubt that” and smiled a bit instead, choosing not to verbally reply.
My dad had always been the one I could handle out of the entire family. He was a quiet man, soft spoken and mild mannered. He was the complete opposite of my over the top, pageant queen mother who spent more time doing her hair then she did raising me. I resented his refusal to step in and stop my mom when she grew out of hand with comments on my appearance, my clothes, my friends, etc, but he had always been nice to me, and when Evan had first passed, he was the only one who called to check on me.
“How’s Sadie?” I asked, referring to my older sister.
“Oh, she’s grown into such a beautiful woman,” my mom answered. “You should see her, Kaitlin. She could win Miss Universe with those baby blues, I swear.”
I let out a long breath of air through my nose, fighting all of the remarks I wanted to make. “And how’s Ethan?” I asked.
“Oh, he’s good too,” my mom said. “He treats your sister well, that one.”
“Are they planning on having any kids any time soon?” I asked. “I mean, they’ve been married a couple of years now, right?”
“Oh goodness, kids?” My mom asked, laughing lightly. “I hope not. Children can ruin your whole life, especially if they weren’t planned.” She laughed, trying to play the last part off as a joke.
I caught my dad sending a worried glance down at me, clearly picking up on my mother’s subtle stabs just as easily as I had.
Sadie had been the planned child. She was tall and slim, and her hair was perfectly straight, but easy to style. It was a lighter blonde then mine was, and she had crystal clear blue eyes that glistened in the sunlight. She knew how to walk, how to talk, how to flip her hair, how to dress. She was my mother, but younger.
I had been an accident, something my mother made sure to mention throughout my entire life. I was too short, I wasn’t skinny enough, I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t smart enough. It wouldn’t have mattered if I did win a beauty pageant, if I found a job that earned $100 an hour, Sadie would always be better.
I could feel a fire burning beneath my skin, the anger I had towards my family intensifying as my mom continued to tell me all about how wonderful my sister. She was standing three feet away from a poster of Evan, my boyfriend who had died, and was making sure I knew that Sadie had won the contest of “who has the better boy.”
“Mr and Mrs Fraser, I didn’t know you were here.” Kris greeted, seeming to appear out of nowhere. He sent me a look, one that let me know that his sudden arrival into the conversation was on purpose.
“Oh, Kristopher, it’s so nice to see you,” my mom greeted, reaching a hand out to rest it on his arm. “You’re so handsome.”
Kris smiled stepping away from her so he was out of reach and turning to face my dad. “Mr. Fraser.”
“Oh, please. Call me Martin,” My dad instructed, the same thing he did any time Kris ever greeted him formally. “It’s nice to see you. Have you been taking care of our girl?”
Kris and I exchanged a look before he smiled. “Trying to. I was actually wandering if I could borrow her, if that would be okay?”
“Oh, by all means,” my mom said, grinning to me. “Have fun.”
“If you weren’t pushing me,” I told Kris as he gently moved me forward and away from my parents, “I would hit her.”
He only nodded, moving us until we were out of my parents vision, calling Marc and Vero over. “Okay, I’ll leave you now,” he said, waiting to see if I’d object or not.
I sighed. “Kris, after whatever happened, I’m just so-”
“I know,” he said. “I’m not expecting anything, if that is what you’re worried about. I just… I didn’t want have anymore secrets.” He glanced up at Marc and Vero, both of them pretending to not be listening. “I’m surprised they’re here.”
I crossed my arms, feeling incredibly uncomfortable. “Yeah, me too. They wouldn’t come see me after Evan died, didn’t even come to the funeral, but they show up here, dressed up and trying to impress everyone.” I felt the anger reignite inside of me. “They wouldn’t even pay for my counselling, did you know that?” I asked. “My mom told me that counselling was for girl’s who can’t deal with their own problems. My dad didn’t say anything. I had to spend everything I had paying for it myself, even though they have enough money to buy an island,” I paused, throwing my arms up, “which they will probably buy for my sister.”
“Katy, calm down.” Vero said, seeming a little amused by my anger. “No one here believes that they have been good parents to you, no one is fooled. They’ll leave tomorrow and that will be that, yes?”
I sighed, nodding. “It’s just so infuriating, you know?” I asked, looking at all three of them. “For Sadie’s wedding, they paid for everything. When I need counselling, they won’t help. I can’t even take another year of it because of the cost.”
“Everything will be fine, Katy,” Marc said. “We are your family, okay?”
I sighed, nodding. My eyes drifted up to Kris, who was staring down at me with a look of sadness that I had seen before. He gave me a half smile before he turned and disappeared into the crowd, leaving me with Marc and Vero.
“How about we go and eat?” Vero suggested, smiling to me. “They have little sandwiches. You like those.”
I laughed. “I do quite enjoy those,” I agreed, following them off to the buffet table.
“We are going to ignore your parents, and eat our faces off,” Vero told me, grabbing a plate. “And we are starting with dessert.”
I grinned, accepting the plate she handed me. I turned to Marc. “Don’t let this one go, buddy.”
Marc winked, grabbing a brownie off of the table and taking a bite. “I don’t plan on it."
Monday, November 29, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Visists
“So, you guys are just friends now?” Sara asked me as I looked around for my car keys.
I sighed, looking over at her. “He almost died, Sara, I can at least go check on him.”
Sara rolled her eyes. “He has a concussion, he didn’t almost die. Stop being so dramatic.” She paused, glancing quickly at the TV. “But really, you’re going to see him?”
“It won’t be just me,” I defended, one hand already on the doorknob. “Travis is going to be there, too.”
“Yeah, that’ll make it less awkward,” Sara joked, smirking at me. “Good luck.”
“Thanks,” I muttered back, heading out the door.
I hadn’t actually seen Kris since the day at the hospital, and as well as that visit had gone, I was sure my gratitude for that was directed more at the morphine then it was at Kris himself. After learning of how out of hand he had become from Marc and Vero, I was almost seeing him in a different view. He had been my best friend for a few years, then an acquaintance. Then he became a monster that I feared running into to, a nightmare that had re-appeared into my reality when I had least expected it. He had been every colour of hate that I could have painted, and I the sound of his name had caused an ache in my bones since Evan’s passing. Now, he was fragile. He was a boy, not a man. He was just as lost and heartbroken and I was. I had lost my love, but Kris had lost his last piece of home. Evan was the part of Kris’ past that he could take with him. He understood the trials of hockey, and the pressure from coaches and media. He had watched Kris get drafted into a team that he had grown up adoring, and when he was drafted into the same team a year later, it created an even tighter bond.
Kris wasn’t a monster, like I had believed for the past year. He was just alone.
---------------------------
Travis answered the door before I could even ring the doorbell, startling me slightly. He grinned, stepping forward to wrap me in a hug as his greeting before allowing me room to step into the house.
When I had been in the house last, just a couple of weeks ago, there had been a different feeling in the air. A tension that I hadn’t wanted to embrace. I vaguely remembered the anger that I had felt when Kris admitted the details of his and Evan’s fight, and I remembered how guarded I had been, sitting across from him. Maybe it was because I had seen him hooked up to monitors, drugged on whatever painkillers the hospital had given him, but this time, the house felt calm.
Kris was sitting in an arm chair that I didn’t recall being there in my last visit, his attention on the TV. His hair had been cut, the shaggy look that he had been sporting since officially making the Penguins roster was now gone. His hair was now cut to just above his ears, not too short, but certainly a drastic change from how it had been. His face was clean shaven, the scruff that he had grown in his two days at the hospital gone, and his face seemed more relaxed. He didn’t even seem to notice that I had stepped into the living room and was looking him over from where I stood.
Travis cleared his throat, earning Kris’ attention. “Katy’s here,” he said, gesturing to me.
Kris looked at me, seeming unsure of how to react. He offered a small smile, the smile seeming to grow a bit when I returned the expression. “I like your hair,” I said, taking a seat on the couch.
He self-consciously lifted a hand up to his head, feeling the short ends of his hair. “Really? I don’t know, I feel young with it. My hair has been so long for so long,” he paused, giggling a bit at the repetition, “and having it this short makes me feel like I am in high school again.”
I nodded, almost laughing. “Nah, it looks fine. It’s probably easier to take care of now, too.”
“I didn’t have much choice,” he admitted. “That chunk they cut to put the staples in, it had to be covered up.” He sighed, seeming to take a few seconds to mourn the loss of inches to his hair. “But it does not use as much shampoo. I suppose that’s good.”
Both Travis and I chuckled, watching as Kris let out a long sigh. Travis cleared his throat, looking over at me. “I have to go grab some food for Kris. The dude has, like, a jog of milk and a box of cereal. That’s it.”
“Well, if you’re going to have a jug of milk, you better have cereal,” I pointed out. “He’s basically set.”
Travis smirked at me, standing up from the couch. “I’ll be back in about twenty minutes, the store’s not far from here. Keep an eye on him. The doctor said that his symptoms might mirror those in Alzheimer patients for the first few days.”
Kris let out a gasp from where he was, causing both Travis and I to turn and look at him. “I’m going to be old?”
I glanced back at Travis. “You know, over the last year, I forgot that Kris wasn’t the smartest.”
Travis laughed, patting the top of my head and telling Kris to behave as he headed out the door.
There was a silence that immediately followed Travis’ departure. Although Kris had apologized, and we were making small steps towards some form or reconciliation, there was still an awkwardness that pushed a distance between the two of us. The friendship we had shared prior to Evan and I’s relationship was so long ago that it was hard to imagine ever being those people again. It was impossible, truthfully, because so much time had passed.
Kris cleared his throat, glancing over at me. “Thanks for staying with me at the hospital,” he said quietly, breaking his gaze away from me to look down at his lap. “It meant a lot. I didn’t expect that.”
I shrugged even though he couldn’t see me. “I didn’t want you to be alone.” I admitted.
There was another pause before Kris looked up at me, seeming to debate what to say next. “Why don’t you hate me?”
I was caught off guard by the question, not sure if I had misheard him or not. “Uhm,” I searched for the explanation, not entirely sure what it was myself. “I guess there wouldn’t be a point,” I admitted. “We both lost someone really important us, and maybe we didn’t handle it very well, but-” I stopped, looking him over a bit as I tried to think of the proper way to answer. “You and I were friends before I even knew who Evan was, and you and Evan were friends before you and I were,” I reminded him.
“So, you feel obligated?” He asked, seeming completely confused.
“No, I guess… I guess that, when you think about, you lost two friends,” I explained. “Evan, and then me.” I looked at him, watching as he avoided looking straight at me, his eyes glassing over with an emotion I couldn’t pinpoint. “You must be really lonely.”
Kris laughed, a hollow laugh that almost scared me. “You have no idea, Katy,” he said, finally looking at me again. “You have no idea.”
It was me who looked away from him this time, the details of Kris’ feelings that Travis and Marc had shared with me surfacing to the front of my brain. I looked down at the carpet in his living room, noticing that it needed to be vacuumed, and then let my eyes drift over towards the curtains, noticing the dust that was building up on them. “Kris, do you even clean in here?” I asked, turning back to him and almost jumping in my seat when he was suddenly right next to me.
He grinned, clearly amused by how startled I was. “I’m not around much, and I kind of fired my nanny a few months ago.”
“I can tell,” I told him, looking back over at the drapes. “You don’t even dust or-”
“Katy,” Kris interrupted, “I have to tell you something.” He chewed on his lip for a moment, thinking over the words before speaking again. “Do you know why I became so distant when you and Evan became a couple?”
“Because I was stealing your best friend?” I asked.
“Only partially,” he said. “I told Evan about you before I introduced the two of you. I didn’t think that when I went off to Scranton, he and you would become a couple. I always imagined…” he trailed off, his eyes drifting towards the picture of he and Evan by his couch. “I thought you and I would be the ones who ended up together,” he finally admitted, laughing slightly as he turned to look back at me. “The distance, that was because I had to stop having the feelings for you that I had. It was easier to just hate you then it was to-” he stopped, once again turning from me. “I’m sorry, is what I’m trying to say.”
I nodded, moving a few inches away from him, almost feeling strangled from how close he was.
“Did you ever think about me like that?” Kris asked, again surprising me with the question. “Or was it all in my head?”
It was hard to think back that far into my high school days. I had spent so much time with Kris, and Evan. I had other friends, but when I let the memories of my youth come flooding back to me, the vast majority of them included Kris. He and I eating lunch together, walking home from school, doing homework together, watching bad TV shows. I spent almost all of the time I could with him. And when I allowed the memories to appear, it brought back a few realizations that had gone unnoticed in those days.
“I did,” I admitted, frowning. “I don’t think I realized it then, though.” I looked up at him, meeting his relieved gaze. “But, Kris, if you and were going to happen-”
“If it would have happened before I left, I know,” He sighed. “That was exactly what Evan told me.”
The confession changed so many things. Kris had been so far away the year before Evan joined him, and then just weeks after he leaves, he finds out that his best friend had moved in on the girl he liked. The resentment he spewed towards Evan and I suddenly seemed to have a bit reason behind it.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized. “I didn’t know, Kris.”
He nodded, still looking me over, something that I found him doing often. “Promise not to get mad?” He asked, watching as I frowned, but eventually promised. Without hesitation he leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the corner of my mouth, not directly on my lips. “I still love you.”
I was frozen with shock, faintly hearing the sounds of Travis’ car pulling in. Kris didn’t wait too long to see me reaction, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear before he stood up to go let Travis in.
I couldn’t even move from the shock.
I sighed, looking over at her. “He almost died, Sara, I can at least go check on him.”
Sara rolled her eyes. “He has a concussion, he didn’t almost die. Stop being so dramatic.” She paused, glancing quickly at the TV. “But really, you’re going to see him?”
“It won’t be just me,” I defended, one hand already on the doorknob. “Travis is going to be there, too.”
“Yeah, that’ll make it less awkward,” Sara joked, smirking at me. “Good luck.”
“Thanks,” I muttered back, heading out the door.
I hadn’t actually seen Kris since the day at the hospital, and as well as that visit had gone, I was sure my gratitude for that was directed more at the morphine then it was at Kris himself. After learning of how out of hand he had become from Marc and Vero, I was almost seeing him in a different view. He had been my best friend for a few years, then an acquaintance. Then he became a monster that I feared running into to, a nightmare that had re-appeared into my reality when I had least expected it. He had been every colour of hate that I could have painted, and I the sound of his name had caused an ache in my bones since Evan’s passing. Now, he was fragile. He was a boy, not a man. He was just as lost and heartbroken and I was. I had lost my love, but Kris had lost his last piece of home. Evan was the part of Kris’ past that he could take with him. He understood the trials of hockey, and the pressure from coaches and media. He had watched Kris get drafted into a team that he had grown up adoring, and when he was drafted into the same team a year later, it created an even tighter bond.
Kris wasn’t a monster, like I had believed for the past year. He was just alone.
---------------------------
Travis answered the door before I could even ring the doorbell, startling me slightly. He grinned, stepping forward to wrap me in a hug as his greeting before allowing me room to step into the house.
When I had been in the house last, just a couple of weeks ago, there had been a different feeling in the air. A tension that I hadn’t wanted to embrace. I vaguely remembered the anger that I had felt when Kris admitted the details of his and Evan’s fight, and I remembered how guarded I had been, sitting across from him. Maybe it was because I had seen him hooked up to monitors, drugged on whatever painkillers the hospital had given him, but this time, the house felt calm.
Kris was sitting in an arm chair that I didn’t recall being there in my last visit, his attention on the TV. His hair had been cut, the shaggy look that he had been sporting since officially making the Penguins roster was now gone. His hair was now cut to just above his ears, not too short, but certainly a drastic change from how it had been. His face was clean shaven, the scruff that he had grown in his two days at the hospital gone, and his face seemed more relaxed. He didn’t even seem to notice that I had stepped into the living room and was looking him over from where I stood.
Travis cleared his throat, earning Kris’ attention. “Katy’s here,” he said, gesturing to me.
Kris looked at me, seeming unsure of how to react. He offered a small smile, the smile seeming to grow a bit when I returned the expression. “I like your hair,” I said, taking a seat on the couch.
He self-consciously lifted a hand up to his head, feeling the short ends of his hair. “Really? I don’t know, I feel young with it. My hair has been so long for so long,” he paused, giggling a bit at the repetition, “and having it this short makes me feel like I am in high school again.”
I nodded, almost laughing. “Nah, it looks fine. It’s probably easier to take care of now, too.”
“I didn’t have much choice,” he admitted. “That chunk they cut to put the staples in, it had to be covered up.” He sighed, seeming to take a few seconds to mourn the loss of inches to his hair. “But it does not use as much shampoo. I suppose that’s good.”
Both Travis and I chuckled, watching as Kris let out a long sigh. Travis cleared his throat, looking over at me. “I have to go grab some food for Kris. The dude has, like, a jog of milk and a box of cereal. That’s it.”
“Well, if you’re going to have a jug of milk, you better have cereal,” I pointed out. “He’s basically set.”
Travis smirked at me, standing up from the couch. “I’ll be back in about twenty minutes, the store’s not far from here. Keep an eye on him. The doctor said that his symptoms might mirror those in Alzheimer patients for the first few days.”
Kris let out a gasp from where he was, causing both Travis and I to turn and look at him. “I’m going to be old?”
I glanced back at Travis. “You know, over the last year, I forgot that Kris wasn’t the smartest.”
Travis laughed, patting the top of my head and telling Kris to behave as he headed out the door.
There was a silence that immediately followed Travis’ departure. Although Kris had apologized, and we were making small steps towards some form or reconciliation, there was still an awkwardness that pushed a distance between the two of us. The friendship we had shared prior to Evan and I’s relationship was so long ago that it was hard to imagine ever being those people again. It was impossible, truthfully, because so much time had passed.
Kris cleared his throat, glancing over at me. “Thanks for staying with me at the hospital,” he said quietly, breaking his gaze away from me to look down at his lap. “It meant a lot. I didn’t expect that.”
I shrugged even though he couldn’t see me. “I didn’t want you to be alone.” I admitted.
There was another pause before Kris looked up at me, seeming to debate what to say next. “Why don’t you hate me?”
I was caught off guard by the question, not sure if I had misheard him or not. “Uhm,” I searched for the explanation, not entirely sure what it was myself. “I guess there wouldn’t be a point,” I admitted. “We both lost someone really important us, and maybe we didn’t handle it very well, but-” I stopped, looking him over a bit as I tried to think of the proper way to answer. “You and I were friends before I even knew who Evan was, and you and Evan were friends before you and I were,” I reminded him.
“So, you feel obligated?” He asked, seeming completely confused.
“No, I guess… I guess that, when you think about, you lost two friends,” I explained. “Evan, and then me.” I looked at him, watching as he avoided looking straight at me, his eyes glassing over with an emotion I couldn’t pinpoint. “You must be really lonely.”
Kris laughed, a hollow laugh that almost scared me. “You have no idea, Katy,” he said, finally looking at me again. “You have no idea.”
It was me who looked away from him this time, the details of Kris’ feelings that Travis and Marc had shared with me surfacing to the front of my brain. I looked down at the carpet in his living room, noticing that it needed to be vacuumed, and then let my eyes drift over towards the curtains, noticing the dust that was building up on them. “Kris, do you even clean in here?” I asked, turning back to him and almost jumping in my seat when he was suddenly right next to me.
He grinned, clearly amused by how startled I was. “I’m not around much, and I kind of fired my nanny a few months ago.”
“I can tell,” I told him, looking back over at the drapes. “You don’t even dust or-”
“Katy,” Kris interrupted, “I have to tell you something.” He chewed on his lip for a moment, thinking over the words before speaking again. “Do you know why I became so distant when you and Evan became a couple?”
“Because I was stealing your best friend?” I asked.
“Only partially,” he said. “I told Evan about you before I introduced the two of you. I didn’t think that when I went off to Scranton, he and you would become a couple. I always imagined…” he trailed off, his eyes drifting towards the picture of he and Evan by his couch. “I thought you and I would be the ones who ended up together,” he finally admitted, laughing slightly as he turned to look back at me. “The distance, that was because I had to stop having the feelings for you that I had. It was easier to just hate you then it was to-” he stopped, once again turning from me. “I’m sorry, is what I’m trying to say.”
I nodded, moving a few inches away from him, almost feeling strangled from how close he was.
“Did you ever think about me like that?” Kris asked, again surprising me with the question. “Or was it all in my head?”
It was hard to think back that far into my high school days. I had spent so much time with Kris, and Evan. I had other friends, but when I let the memories of my youth come flooding back to me, the vast majority of them included Kris. He and I eating lunch together, walking home from school, doing homework together, watching bad TV shows. I spent almost all of the time I could with him. And when I allowed the memories to appear, it brought back a few realizations that had gone unnoticed in those days.
“I did,” I admitted, frowning. “I don’t think I realized it then, though.” I looked up at him, meeting his relieved gaze. “But, Kris, if you and were going to happen-”
“If it would have happened before I left, I know,” He sighed. “That was exactly what Evan told me.”
The confession changed so many things. Kris had been so far away the year before Evan joined him, and then just weeks after he leaves, he finds out that his best friend had moved in on the girl he liked. The resentment he spewed towards Evan and I suddenly seemed to have a bit reason behind it.
“I’m sorry,” I apologized. “I didn’t know, Kris.”
He nodded, still looking me over, something that I found him doing often. “Promise not to get mad?” He asked, watching as I frowned, but eventually promised. Without hesitation he leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the corner of my mouth, not directly on my lips. “I still love you.”
I was frozen with shock, faintly hearing the sounds of Travis’ car pulling in. Kris didn’t wait too long to see me reaction, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear before he stood up to go let Travis in.
I couldn’t even move from the shock.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Familiar Faces
First things first; Thanks for the comments! I was convinced no one was reading this story on here, so I'm glad there are a few of you.
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“Nice to see you again,” Sara greeted me when I finally arrived home later that day. “How was Kris?” She asked me, pulling a jacket on. I glanced at the clock, realizing that she was about to head off for class.
“His parents were there when I left. Apparently he’ll be allowed to leave later today, but the team’s medical staff wants to keep an eye on him,” I answered, falling onto the couch with a thud, my body aching from how tired I was.
“So, he’s not dead?” She asked, nodding softly as she fixed the collar of her light jacket. “Good to know. And good for you, not having a mental breakdown,” she paused, frowning a bit before adding, “Although, I guess if you’re going to have one, a hospital is the place to be when it hits you.” She sighed, pulling on a pair of shoes. “Were you at the hospital all day? That’s a long time to stay with someone you’re not that fond of.”
I shook my head, yawning before voicing a reply. “No, I had a piano lesson at ten, and the kid actually showed up this time.”
Sara nodded, gathering her books in her arms. “You know, it might be dangerous for you to spend time with Kris when he’s all drugged out. What if the drugs enhance his French charm and you end up liking him?”
“Sara?” I asked, waiting as she hummed in response. “Leave.”
She laughed, muttering a goodbye to me before she finally headed out of the apartment and off to her class, leaving me to drift in and out of sleep for a couple of hours before I hauled myself off of the couch and threw myself into the shower, letting the blast of water shock me into a stronger state of awareness.
I emerged a good twenty minutes later, throwing myself into a pair of jeans and light, long sleeved black Vneck, rubbing my eyes tiredly as I made my way through the apartment and towards the kitchen, forcing myself to eat something.
There was something tugging at the back of my head, trying to remind me of a previous commitment. The fatigue pulsing through my body was drowning it out, and as I staggered back towards the bathroom to throw some mascara on and try to tame the waves in my hair. I had just managed to smooth down my bangs, making a mental reminder to have them cut sometime in the next few days.
From somewhere in the living room, I head my cell phone begin to ring, causing me to drop the mascara brush that I had been using and bolt back into the room, digging around the couch to try and find the phone. It was hidden nicely inside of one of my shoes, for a reason I couldn’t seem to grasp at the time. I pushed the accept button and held the phone up, almost panting from how fast I had been digging around for the phone. “Hello?”
“Kaitlin,” Marc answered on the other end, and by the tone of his voice, I knew that a frown accompanied my name. “You forgot.”
I felt my eyebrows knit together. “Forgot what?”
Marc let out a long, long sigh on the other end of the phone. “You agreed to meet me for lunch today, I can’t believe you’d just forget that!”
I smacked my forehead, apologizing to him. “I am so sorry, I’m on my way right now,” I swore, hanging up and applying mascara to my other eye before I booked it out the door, almost forgetting to put on a pair of shoes in my rush.
Marc was already sitting at a table outside, frowning at me as I sheepishly approached, taking a seat across from him. He huffed at me once I seated, acting more annoyed then he really was. “Vero went to order us some drinks.”
I smiled at the mention of his girlfriend, relaxing a bit into the small chair. “Vero’s here?”
Marc looked at me silently for a moment, his face being overtaken by how obviously unimpressed he was with my question. Finally, he let out a long stream of air through his nose and replied, “That was kind of the whole point of this lunch, Katy.”
I pursed my lips, trying to remember when Marc had even suggested us having lunch together, and was hit with the reminder of his text to me sometime before I left the hospital to head off to my piano lesson. As soon as the realization sunk in, I started laughing. The lack of sleep from the night before made the hilarity of my embarrassment seem even more comical then it truly was, and in a matter of seconds my giggles had escalated from soft hiccups, and into an unstoppable thunder of laughs, the hilarity being so intense that I could no longer make room for the air my lungs so desperately desired, the space being occupied by the sounds of my laugh.
Marc stared at me, completely confused the first moment of my laugh attack, before he couldn’t help himself and joined in, first simply chuckling, and then the laughter growing just as mine had. By the time Vero rejoined us with the drinks she had ordered for us, the two of us had our heads on the table, Marc’s fisting hitting the table top as he finally sat up, his other arm clutching his stomach. “Oh, Kaitlin. You kill me sometimes.”
Vero carefully set down the three cups, an amused smirk on her face as she slid my cup of iced coffee across the table to me. “Katy, I’m glad to see you again.”
I nodded, wiping away the tears of laughter that had trickled down my face. “Yeah, it’s nice to see you, too.”
“You know what’s weird?” Marc asked, wiping at his own face. “You spell your name, Kaitlin, with two I’s,” he began, leaning forward in his chair to look closely at me, “but you spell Katy with a Y. It’s confusing.”
I shrugged, “Yeah, there’s no logic behind it. But I don’t care,” I answered, turning my attention back to Vero and ignoring the pout Marc shot me. “What have you been up to in the last year and a bit?” I asked her.
Vero launched into a recap of her last year, telling me about how she finally finished her schooling, but couldn’t find any work with her new Bachelors degree, so she was busy working in the office of some company, taking phone calls and making coffee runs. Marc would interrupt occasionally to remind her that he made “a lot of money” and she should just move in with him, all arguments that she completely ignored, making me smirk a bit at the two of them.
“What about you?” Vero asked, taking a sip of the lemonade she had ordered for herself. “What have you been up too?”
“Oh you know, the usual,” I replied, smiling at her slightly. “Therapy, piano lessons and sleeping. Basic Katy stuff.”
Vero shook her head at me with a small smile. “I’m glad that you went to counselling to deal with Evan’s passing. It’s a step Kris wasn’t willing to take for a long time.”
Marc shot her a look that was meant to go unnoticed by me, but I picked it up, eyeing the two of them for a second before asking, “What was that?”
They exchanged another look, Vero turning to shrug at me. “What?”
I sighed, “Guys, come on. What am I not supposed to know?”
Marc hesitated before scratching the top of his head and sighing. “Okay, it’s like this,” he began, “Kris was unstable. I don’t even mean emotionally, I mean… did you watch any of our games last season, or before now?”
I shook my head. “I couldn’t handle it,” I admitted.
He nodded, seeming to understand. “Well, Kris was nuts. He was breaking his stick every time the other team scored, he tried to fight anyone who checked him. Sid told him that he was putting the team at risk, and he almost punched him in the face. Coach finally benched him for a few games to try and calm him down, but then he threatened to demand a trade and-” he stopped, having to let out another long sigh. “He was out of control. He wouldn’t admit that Evan was gone, and he wouldn’t take any time off to deal with it.”
“How did he end up in therapy, then?” I asked.
“He was forced,” Vero answered. “Well, I mean, he could have not gone. But Shero sat him down and told him that he was too much of a risk. If he wasn’t willing to at least admit that he had a problem, he was going on waivers, or they were buying out his contract.”
“He took a week to think about it, talked to his parents, and signed up for therapy,” Marc finished. “I guess he didn’t realize just how out of hand he had gotten.”
I thought over what he had shared for a moment. “Is that why he just snapped at Chris Neil? He looked like he was almost in a daze for a moment, and then he was just nuts.”
“Probably,” Marc answered, taking a drink from his cup. “He’s already calmed down a lot, just in the last couple of weeks.”
I nodded, staring down at the table top. Vero reached across the table and placed her hand on top of mine, causing me to look up. “He misses you, Katy. He probably won’t say it, but he does.”
I sighed, leaning back in my chair. “Kris needs to learn how to say things for himself.”
She nodded, smirking at me a bit. “True, but if I remember correctly, aren’t you at fault for the same thing? Evan always spoke up for you, that’s why you loved him so much, that and many other reasons, I’m sure.”
I wanted to reject the accusation, tell her that I was always willing to fight my own battles or share my own feelings. But Vero was right. Kris and I had gotten along in high school because we were both soft spoken and quiet, awkward and afraid of all of the attention. We were both drawn to Evan because he was loud, confident, easy to talk too. When Kris and I would bicker, Evan would stand up for me. When a teacher called on me in class, if Evan was there, he whispered the answer to me. It had been what had attracted me to him in the first place, the fact that he never made me step out of my comfort zone.
“Give the boy some time,” Marc said, waving a hand through the air. “He did just get himself a concussion from trying to be a tough guy, he can take a few more days before actually talking to you about everything.” He took another drink from his cup, eyeing me and taking note of how nervous the subject of talking to Kris made me, still. “I’m sure you both hate to admit this, Kaitlin, but you both lost the person closest to you. A big step in moving forward and being okay is being with people who understand.”
I groaned, rubbing my face. “Lunch with you two is just like a therapy session, you know?”
“How much did you pay your counsellor?” Marc asked cheekily, laughing as both Vero and I turned to glare at him. “What? I’m funny. Come on, I’m funny.”
I only shook my head.
---------------
“Nice to see you again,” Sara greeted me when I finally arrived home later that day. “How was Kris?” She asked me, pulling a jacket on. I glanced at the clock, realizing that she was about to head off for class.
“His parents were there when I left. Apparently he’ll be allowed to leave later today, but the team’s medical staff wants to keep an eye on him,” I answered, falling onto the couch with a thud, my body aching from how tired I was.
“So, he’s not dead?” She asked, nodding softly as she fixed the collar of her light jacket. “Good to know. And good for you, not having a mental breakdown,” she paused, frowning a bit before adding, “Although, I guess if you’re going to have one, a hospital is the place to be when it hits you.” She sighed, pulling on a pair of shoes. “Were you at the hospital all day? That’s a long time to stay with someone you’re not that fond of.”
I shook my head, yawning before voicing a reply. “No, I had a piano lesson at ten, and the kid actually showed up this time.”
Sara nodded, gathering her books in her arms. “You know, it might be dangerous for you to spend time with Kris when he’s all drugged out. What if the drugs enhance his French charm and you end up liking him?”
“Sara?” I asked, waiting as she hummed in response. “Leave.”
She laughed, muttering a goodbye to me before she finally headed out of the apartment and off to her class, leaving me to drift in and out of sleep for a couple of hours before I hauled myself off of the couch and threw myself into the shower, letting the blast of water shock me into a stronger state of awareness.
I emerged a good twenty minutes later, throwing myself into a pair of jeans and light, long sleeved black Vneck, rubbing my eyes tiredly as I made my way through the apartment and towards the kitchen, forcing myself to eat something.
There was something tugging at the back of my head, trying to remind me of a previous commitment. The fatigue pulsing through my body was drowning it out, and as I staggered back towards the bathroom to throw some mascara on and try to tame the waves in my hair. I had just managed to smooth down my bangs, making a mental reminder to have them cut sometime in the next few days.
From somewhere in the living room, I head my cell phone begin to ring, causing me to drop the mascara brush that I had been using and bolt back into the room, digging around the couch to try and find the phone. It was hidden nicely inside of one of my shoes, for a reason I couldn’t seem to grasp at the time. I pushed the accept button and held the phone up, almost panting from how fast I had been digging around for the phone. “Hello?”
“Kaitlin,” Marc answered on the other end, and by the tone of his voice, I knew that a frown accompanied my name. “You forgot.”
I felt my eyebrows knit together. “Forgot what?”
Marc let out a long, long sigh on the other end of the phone. “You agreed to meet me for lunch today, I can’t believe you’d just forget that!”
I smacked my forehead, apologizing to him. “I am so sorry, I’m on my way right now,” I swore, hanging up and applying mascara to my other eye before I booked it out the door, almost forgetting to put on a pair of shoes in my rush.
Marc was already sitting at a table outside, frowning at me as I sheepishly approached, taking a seat across from him. He huffed at me once I seated, acting more annoyed then he really was. “Vero went to order us some drinks.”
I smiled at the mention of his girlfriend, relaxing a bit into the small chair. “Vero’s here?”
Marc looked at me silently for a moment, his face being overtaken by how obviously unimpressed he was with my question. Finally, he let out a long stream of air through his nose and replied, “That was kind of the whole point of this lunch, Katy.”
I pursed my lips, trying to remember when Marc had even suggested us having lunch together, and was hit with the reminder of his text to me sometime before I left the hospital to head off to my piano lesson. As soon as the realization sunk in, I started laughing. The lack of sleep from the night before made the hilarity of my embarrassment seem even more comical then it truly was, and in a matter of seconds my giggles had escalated from soft hiccups, and into an unstoppable thunder of laughs, the hilarity being so intense that I could no longer make room for the air my lungs so desperately desired, the space being occupied by the sounds of my laugh.
Marc stared at me, completely confused the first moment of my laugh attack, before he couldn’t help himself and joined in, first simply chuckling, and then the laughter growing just as mine had. By the time Vero rejoined us with the drinks she had ordered for us, the two of us had our heads on the table, Marc’s fisting hitting the table top as he finally sat up, his other arm clutching his stomach. “Oh, Kaitlin. You kill me sometimes.”
Vero carefully set down the three cups, an amused smirk on her face as she slid my cup of iced coffee across the table to me. “Katy, I’m glad to see you again.”
I nodded, wiping away the tears of laughter that had trickled down my face. “Yeah, it’s nice to see you, too.”
“You know what’s weird?” Marc asked, wiping at his own face. “You spell your name, Kaitlin, with two I’s,” he began, leaning forward in his chair to look closely at me, “but you spell Katy with a Y. It’s confusing.”
I shrugged, “Yeah, there’s no logic behind it. But I don’t care,” I answered, turning my attention back to Vero and ignoring the pout Marc shot me. “What have you been up to in the last year and a bit?” I asked her.
Vero launched into a recap of her last year, telling me about how she finally finished her schooling, but couldn’t find any work with her new Bachelors degree, so she was busy working in the office of some company, taking phone calls and making coffee runs. Marc would interrupt occasionally to remind her that he made “a lot of money” and she should just move in with him, all arguments that she completely ignored, making me smirk a bit at the two of them.
“What about you?” Vero asked, taking a sip of the lemonade she had ordered for herself. “What have you been up too?”
“Oh you know, the usual,” I replied, smiling at her slightly. “Therapy, piano lessons and sleeping. Basic Katy stuff.”
Vero shook her head at me with a small smile. “I’m glad that you went to counselling to deal with Evan’s passing. It’s a step Kris wasn’t willing to take for a long time.”
Marc shot her a look that was meant to go unnoticed by me, but I picked it up, eyeing the two of them for a second before asking, “What was that?”
They exchanged another look, Vero turning to shrug at me. “What?”
I sighed, “Guys, come on. What am I not supposed to know?”
Marc hesitated before scratching the top of his head and sighing. “Okay, it’s like this,” he began, “Kris was unstable. I don’t even mean emotionally, I mean… did you watch any of our games last season, or before now?”
I shook my head. “I couldn’t handle it,” I admitted.
He nodded, seeming to understand. “Well, Kris was nuts. He was breaking his stick every time the other team scored, he tried to fight anyone who checked him. Sid told him that he was putting the team at risk, and he almost punched him in the face. Coach finally benched him for a few games to try and calm him down, but then he threatened to demand a trade and-” he stopped, having to let out another long sigh. “He was out of control. He wouldn’t admit that Evan was gone, and he wouldn’t take any time off to deal with it.”
“How did he end up in therapy, then?” I asked.
“He was forced,” Vero answered. “Well, I mean, he could have not gone. But Shero sat him down and told him that he was too much of a risk. If he wasn’t willing to at least admit that he had a problem, he was going on waivers, or they were buying out his contract.”
“He took a week to think about it, talked to his parents, and signed up for therapy,” Marc finished. “I guess he didn’t realize just how out of hand he had gotten.”
I thought over what he had shared for a moment. “Is that why he just snapped at Chris Neil? He looked like he was almost in a daze for a moment, and then he was just nuts.”
“Probably,” Marc answered, taking a drink from his cup. “He’s already calmed down a lot, just in the last couple of weeks.”
I nodded, staring down at the table top. Vero reached across the table and placed her hand on top of mine, causing me to look up. “He misses you, Katy. He probably won’t say it, but he does.”
I sighed, leaning back in my chair. “Kris needs to learn how to say things for himself.”
She nodded, smirking at me a bit. “True, but if I remember correctly, aren’t you at fault for the same thing? Evan always spoke up for you, that’s why you loved him so much, that and many other reasons, I’m sure.”
I wanted to reject the accusation, tell her that I was always willing to fight my own battles or share my own feelings. But Vero was right. Kris and I had gotten along in high school because we were both soft spoken and quiet, awkward and afraid of all of the attention. We were both drawn to Evan because he was loud, confident, easy to talk too. When Kris and I would bicker, Evan would stand up for me. When a teacher called on me in class, if Evan was there, he whispered the answer to me. It had been what had attracted me to him in the first place, the fact that he never made me step out of my comfort zone.
“Give the boy some time,” Marc said, waving a hand through the air. “He did just get himself a concussion from trying to be a tough guy, he can take a few more days before actually talking to you about everything.” He took another drink from his cup, eyeing me and taking note of how nervous the subject of talking to Kris made me, still. “I’m sure you both hate to admit this, Kaitlin, but you both lost the person closest to you. A big step in moving forward and being okay is being with people who understand.”
I groaned, rubbing my face. “Lunch with you two is just like a therapy session, you know?”
“How much did you pay your counsellor?” Marc asked cheekily, laughing as both Vero and I turned to glare at him. “What? I’m funny. Come on, I’m funny.”
I only shook my head.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Just Want You To Know
I got around to changing the layout and settings of the blog, so any anonymous readers, you can leave comments...anonymously!
Aloneness
“Well, this is interesting.”
I groaned, lifting up my head and forcing my eyes open, a hand immediately flying to the back of my neck, which was so stiff from how awkwardly I had fallen asleep. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” I mumbled.
Sidney laughed, two cups of coffee in his hands as he stood a few feet away from me. “It’s just odd to see you two not fighting, that’s all,” he explained, handing me a cup of coffee. “Two creams and two sugars, right?”
I nodded, thanking him quietly as I accepted the cup, still trying to stretch out my neck. “Are his parents back?” I asked, yawning afterwards.
Sidney shook his head, looking down at Kris, who was still fast asleep, with a sympathetic glaze in his eyes. “No, they’re probably still asleep. It’s only six in the morning, there aren’t even supposed to be visitors now.”
“How did you get in, then?” I asked, taking a cautious sip of the coffee.
He shrugged, leaning against the wall behind him. “Katy, do you know who I am?” I laughed, nearly spilling the coffee all over myself as I did so.
Kris stirred for a second, briefly looking as though he was about to wake up, but soon let out a small groan and fell back into peaceful sleep.
My eyes studied his peaceful face for a few seconds before moving back over to where Sidney was leaning against the wall, only noticing then how tired Sidney looked. “Did you sleep?” I asked him, both of my hands wrapping around the Styrofoam cup of coffee to absorb its warmth.
He took a long drink from his own cup before letting out a sigh. “Not much,” he admitted. “It’s hard to sleep when of your best friends is in the hospital. Even harder when you were three feet away from the reason he’s in the hospital.”
I nodded, a small wave of pity soaking into my brain as I looked Sidney over. He was a quiet man, which was no secret, and his ability to open up to people and create new friendships had become almost non-existent thanks to the constant attention he was thrown. He and Kris had been drafter the same year, both for the Penguins. Sidney was immediately placed onto the Penguins roster, whispers of a Stanley Cup, the Calder and every other award he could win being exchanged all around him. Kris had been sent to the farm team, his talent not developed enough to play with the likes of Sergei Gonchar or Brooks Orpik quite yet. But, sometime between Sidney making the team and Kris not, the two had formed a friendship.
I remembered the night that Evan had told me about Sidney Crosby. I was filling out college applications, he was reading hockey stats. Evan wasn’t eligible for the draft in 2005, he had to wait until 2006, but he had been memorizing every team in the NHL’s stats since he was 13. I had heard Sidney’s name before, but knew nothing of him. When he went first overall, Evan told me that it wasn’t a surprise.
“People have been guessing about where he’ll end up since he was 15, Katy, not even kidding,” he told me, watching the TV as Sidney climbed up onto the stage to accept his jersey. “I heard that the Pens were interested in Kris, too. Could you imagine that?” He asked me, turning to grin at me. “If Kris and Sidney Crosby were just team-mates? God, that’d be awesome.”
“Why did they pick Crosby instead, then?” I had asked, blushing when Evan stared at me with his mouth hanging open. “I mean, Kris is really good, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, but Crosby,” Evan paused, shaking his head as he searched for the right words. “Crosby is on a whole ‘nother level from Kris, and most players. The guy’s getting called the next Gretzky, and he hasn’t even set foot in the NHL yet. He can carry the puck better then anyone else in this draft, I guarantee it.”
“So, we really want Kris to get picked by the Penguins then?” I asked.
Evan nodded, his eyes still on the TV. “We really do.”
“Katy?” Sidney asked, drawing me out of my daydream. “You okay?”
I nodded, smiling apologetically. “I was just thinking, that’s all.”
Sidney gave me a knowing look, licking his lips before he quietly asked, “Evan?”
The sound of his name still sent a searing pain into the depths of my ribcage, encasing my heart in it’s grip. I felt winded for a brief second, but nodded. “It’s weird, but now that I’m out of therapy, it seems like I keep having flashbacks. The smallest thing brings back to a memory.”
“They say it takes the first year before you come out of shock,” Sidney told me, finally grabbing a chair from the side of the room and quietly pulling it over to where I was, taking a seat. “It’s understandable.”
I looked back down at Kris, my eyes moving to the monitors he was hooked up to before drifting back to his face. “Travis told me that Kris is in love with me.”
Sidney didn’t react, causing me to turn and look at him. He was silent, seeming to debate the proper response. When he realized I was eyeing him he gave a casual shrug. “I think it should be Kris who tells you that, not someone else.”
“Did everyone know except me?” I asked, leaning back in my seat.
Sidney let out a small chuckle. “He didn’t say it, but we all knew, yeah,” he admitted, taking a small sip of his coffee. “He talked about you more than he talked about hockey when I first met him, you know?” He shared, smiling at the look of genuine shock hat cascaded down my face. “He talked about Evan a lot, too, but you,” he paused, having to yawn before continuing, “you were what he seemed to miss the most.” Sidney chewed on his lip for a moment before looking at me. “How did you and Kris meet?”
I sighed, “We had Social Studies together in grade nine. I had just moved there, so the teacher just sent me over to his table because there was an empty spot, and we ended up being partnered together for some project where he had to study one of the great tragedies that had happened in the last ten years and share it with the class,” I answered, thinking back to that time. I felt a smile tug at the corner of my lips. “We picked the Challenger, you know that space craft that exploded?” I asked, seeing Sidney nod from the corner of my eye. “We totally failed it. Kris was too shy to talk in front of the class, and I was too shy to talk to Kris because I barely spoke any French. We each studied the assignment on out own and brought our notes the day of, only to find out that we had both forgotten to look up who was on the space craft, and my entire assignment was in English.”
Sidney laughed. “And a friendship was born,” he muttered.
I smiled. “Yeah. He bought me French fries from the cafeteria to apologize for it, making a joke because he was French. I reminded him that the entire school was French, and then he told me that his best friend wasn’t from Quebec either.”
“And that’s how you met Evan,” Sidney finished, nodding. “Why the hell did your parents move you to Quebec if none of you spoke French?”
I laughed, “My dad was offered a teaching job at a University. He spoke French fluently, obviously, and my mom did whatever my dad told her to. My older sister was already engaged, so she could care less what happened since she’d be moving off to be with her husband and nobody asked me how I felt,” I concluded, a knot of bitterness forming inside of me. “Nobody ever asked how I felt.”
Sidney was silent, not wanting to touch on the subject of my parents, aware of how touchy the subject was. He cleared his throat before changing the subject. “Have you ever thought about being with someone else?”
I was completely shocked by the question, my head snapping to face him. “Sid, my boyfriend died.” I reminded him.
Sidney nodded, “I know, but, and I’m not trying to sound insensitive, but it’s been over a year now,” he reminded me, now facing me. “Do you just plan to be alone forever?”
“I planned to be with Evan forever,” I answered.
Sidney sighed, letting the air out through his nostrils. “Evan isn’t here, Katy,” he reminded me softly. “You’ve been pushing everyone away to hang out to the one person who isn’t here anymore.”
I was silent, my eyes moving away from Sidney and back to Kris, who was still asleep.
“You can’t have a life with a memory, Katy. I know you loved Evan, and I know he loved you, but you’re not actually going to give up a chance at having all those things you wanted just because it’s not with Evan, are you?” He asked.
“Why are you asking me this?” I asked him, surprised by how calm my voice was.
“Because I know how it feels to be alone,” he said, his eyes meeting mine. “I don’t know how it feels to lose someone the way you lost Evan, but I know how it feels to have a life that you can’t share with someone. I know how it feels to live a life where no one is there to live it with you. I know how hard it is to live with a mask on so no one can actually see who you are or what you’re feeling.” He paused, breaking the gaze he had on me to look down at the cup of coffee in his lap. “I know how it feels to be trapped inside of a life that you never meant to have, and I know that Evan wouldn’t have wanted that for you.”
The sincerity of his confession overwhelmed me, and I felt the sting of tears trying to force their way into my eyes as I looked at him. Sidney wasn’t an open book, by any means, but Kris had told Evan and I that Sidney wasn’t as happy as he seemed. It was easy to assume that someone who lived his life would find contentment despite the obstacles, but he was right; Sidney was trapped in his life, living all of these wonderful achievements away from his family and without love beside him. He had given up his comfort to chase his dreams, but the dreams had stolen him.
I had left my family to be closer to Evan, to chase my dreams of he and I. Now, I was without him, living in a shell of what I had imagined for myself, feeling empty for days and trying desperately to hide the pains. Sidney and I were both alone, in completely different ways. The difference, which he was trying to tell me, was that I didn’t have to be. Sidney’s life forced a loneliness that he had come to accept at some point. My life had the chance to be filled with comfort and friendships, and I had pushed it all away. Therapy had been the right step, but avoiding every reminder of what I used to have and leaving so much of my past behind, that was wrong.
Kris stirred again, causing both Sidney and I to stare at him, waiting to see if he’d awaken or not. Kris let out a soft groan, one of his hands lifting to feel the back of his head before his eyes opened and he stared up at the two of us. “I didn’t imagine it, did I?”
We both shook our heads. “No, you’re really in the hospital, dude,” Sidney said, smiling slightly.
Kris smirked. “I knew that. I meant them cutting my hair,” he forced himself to sit up. “I was hoping it was a nightmare.”
I couldn’t help but grin, relief washing over me as Kris appeared to be fine, the relief being swallowed by the surprise I felt at how happy I was to see him be perfectly fine. “Are you still on all that medicine?” I asked.
Kris looked at me, his eyes hovering on my face for a few long seconds before he smiled. “Maybe.” He glanced over at Sid, “Were you two talking about me?” He asked, eyeing the two of us.
Sidney grinned. “We sure were.”
Kris sighed, moving his pillow so he could rest his back against it. “I’m glad to see the two of you,” he admitted, nodding slightly. “I was sure I’d wake up alone.” He looked over at me, his eyes moving across my face, seeming to soak in every detail. “I thought you would be gone for sure, after all of the things I’ve done.”
I saw Sidney turn to look at me as I looked back at Kris. I let out a long sigh before I gave him a half smile. “No one should be alone when they don’t have to be,” I finally said.
Kris seemed confused by the response, but nodded. I felt Sidney reach out to place a hand on my knee, giving it a small pat of approval. It was an out of character gesture from him, but I understood why he had done it.
It was time to start moving forward and stop being alone. And even though we weren’t close, I was doing this for both Sidney and I.
“So,” I began, placing my coffee on the table by Kris’ bed. “What are going to do to try and hide the chunk of hair missing on the back of your head?” I asked Kris.
He groaned, covering his face with his hands as both Sidney and I laughed.
And it felt wonderful to laugh again.
I groaned, lifting up my head and forcing my eyes open, a hand immediately flying to the back of my neck, which was so stiff from how awkwardly I had fallen asleep. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep,” I mumbled.
Sidney laughed, two cups of coffee in his hands as he stood a few feet away from me. “It’s just odd to see you two not fighting, that’s all,” he explained, handing me a cup of coffee. “Two creams and two sugars, right?”
I nodded, thanking him quietly as I accepted the cup, still trying to stretch out my neck. “Are his parents back?” I asked, yawning afterwards.
Sidney shook his head, looking down at Kris, who was still fast asleep, with a sympathetic glaze in his eyes. “No, they’re probably still asleep. It’s only six in the morning, there aren’t even supposed to be visitors now.”
“How did you get in, then?” I asked, taking a cautious sip of the coffee.
He shrugged, leaning against the wall behind him. “Katy, do you know who I am?” I laughed, nearly spilling the coffee all over myself as I did so.
Kris stirred for a second, briefly looking as though he was about to wake up, but soon let out a small groan and fell back into peaceful sleep.
My eyes studied his peaceful face for a few seconds before moving back over to where Sidney was leaning against the wall, only noticing then how tired Sidney looked. “Did you sleep?” I asked him, both of my hands wrapping around the Styrofoam cup of coffee to absorb its warmth.
He took a long drink from his own cup before letting out a sigh. “Not much,” he admitted. “It’s hard to sleep when of your best friends is in the hospital. Even harder when you were three feet away from the reason he’s in the hospital.”
I nodded, a small wave of pity soaking into my brain as I looked Sidney over. He was a quiet man, which was no secret, and his ability to open up to people and create new friendships had become almost non-existent thanks to the constant attention he was thrown. He and Kris had been drafter the same year, both for the Penguins. Sidney was immediately placed onto the Penguins roster, whispers of a Stanley Cup, the Calder and every other award he could win being exchanged all around him. Kris had been sent to the farm team, his talent not developed enough to play with the likes of Sergei Gonchar or Brooks Orpik quite yet. But, sometime between Sidney making the team and Kris not, the two had formed a friendship.
I remembered the night that Evan had told me about Sidney Crosby. I was filling out college applications, he was reading hockey stats. Evan wasn’t eligible for the draft in 2005, he had to wait until 2006, but he had been memorizing every team in the NHL’s stats since he was 13. I had heard Sidney’s name before, but knew nothing of him. When he went first overall, Evan told me that it wasn’t a surprise.
“People have been guessing about where he’ll end up since he was 15, Katy, not even kidding,” he told me, watching the TV as Sidney climbed up onto the stage to accept his jersey. “I heard that the Pens were interested in Kris, too. Could you imagine that?” He asked me, turning to grin at me. “If Kris and Sidney Crosby were just team-mates? God, that’d be awesome.”
“Why did they pick Crosby instead, then?” I had asked, blushing when Evan stared at me with his mouth hanging open. “I mean, Kris is really good, isn’t he?”
“Yeah, but Crosby,” Evan paused, shaking his head as he searched for the right words. “Crosby is on a whole ‘nother level from Kris, and most players. The guy’s getting called the next Gretzky, and he hasn’t even set foot in the NHL yet. He can carry the puck better then anyone else in this draft, I guarantee it.”
“So, we really want Kris to get picked by the Penguins then?” I asked.
Evan nodded, his eyes still on the TV. “We really do.”
“Katy?” Sidney asked, drawing me out of my daydream. “You okay?”
I nodded, smiling apologetically. “I was just thinking, that’s all.”
Sidney gave me a knowing look, licking his lips before he quietly asked, “Evan?”
The sound of his name still sent a searing pain into the depths of my ribcage, encasing my heart in it’s grip. I felt winded for a brief second, but nodded. “It’s weird, but now that I’m out of therapy, it seems like I keep having flashbacks. The smallest thing brings back to a memory.”
“They say it takes the first year before you come out of shock,” Sidney told me, finally grabbing a chair from the side of the room and quietly pulling it over to where I was, taking a seat. “It’s understandable.”
I looked back down at Kris, my eyes moving to the monitors he was hooked up to before drifting back to his face. “Travis told me that Kris is in love with me.”
Sidney didn’t react, causing me to turn and look at him. He was silent, seeming to debate the proper response. When he realized I was eyeing him he gave a casual shrug. “I think it should be Kris who tells you that, not someone else.”
“Did everyone know except me?” I asked, leaning back in my seat.
Sidney let out a small chuckle. “He didn’t say it, but we all knew, yeah,” he admitted, taking a small sip of his coffee. “He talked about you more than he talked about hockey when I first met him, you know?” He shared, smiling at the look of genuine shock hat cascaded down my face. “He talked about Evan a lot, too, but you,” he paused, having to yawn before continuing, “you were what he seemed to miss the most.” Sidney chewed on his lip for a moment before looking at me. “How did you and Kris meet?”
I sighed, “We had Social Studies together in grade nine. I had just moved there, so the teacher just sent me over to his table because there was an empty spot, and we ended up being partnered together for some project where he had to study one of the great tragedies that had happened in the last ten years and share it with the class,” I answered, thinking back to that time. I felt a smile tug at the corner of my lips. “We picked the Challenger, you know that space craft that exploded?” I asked, seeing Sidney nod from the corner of my eye. “We totally failed it. Kris was too shy to talk in front of the class, and I was too shy to talk to Kris because I barely spoke any French. We each studied the assignment on out own and brought our notes the day of, only to find out that we had both forgotten to look up who was on the space craft, and my entire assignment was in English.”
Sidney laughed. “And a friendship was born,” he muttered.
I smiled. “Yeah. He bought me French fries from the cafeteria to apologize for it, making a joke because he was French. I reminded him that the entire school was French, and then he told me that his best friend wasn’t from Quebec either.”
“And that’s how you met Evan,” Sidney finished, nodding. “Why the hell did your parents move you to Quebec if none of you spoke French?”
I laughed, “My dad was offered a teaching job at a University. He spoke French fluently, obviously, and my mom did whatever my dad told her to. My older sister was already engaged, so she could care less what happened since she’d be moving off to be with her husband and nobody asked me how I felt,” I concluded, a knot of bitterness forming inside of me. “Nobody ever asked how I felt.”
Sidney was silent, not wanting to touch on the subject of my parents, aware of how touchy the subject was. He cleared his throat before changing the subject. “Have you ever thought about being with someone else?”
I was completely shocked by the question, my head snapping to face him. “Sid, my boyfriend died.” I reminded him.
Sidney nodded, “I know, but, and I’m not trying to sound insensitive, but it’s been over a year now,” he reminded me, now facing me. “Do you just plan to be alone forever?”
“I planned to be with Evan forever,” I answered.
Sidney sighed, letting the air out through his nostrils. “Evan isn’t here, Katy,” he reminded me softly. “You’ve been pushing everyone away to hang out to the one person who isn’t here anymore.”
I was silent, my eyes moving away from Sidney and back to Kris, who was still asleep.
“You can’t have a life with a memory, Katy. I know you loved Evan, and I know he loved you, but you’re not actually going to give up a chance at having all those things you wanted just because it’s not with Evan, are you?” He asked.
“Why are you asking me this?” I asked him, surprised by how calm my voice was.
“Because I know how it feels to be alone,” he said, his eyes meeting mine. “I don’t know how it feels to lose someone the way you lost Evan, but I know how it feels to have a life that you can’t share with someone. I know how it feels to live a life where no one is there to live it with you. I know how hard it is to live with a mask on so no one can actually see who you are or what you’re feeling.” He paused, breaking the gaze he had on me to look down at the cup of coffee in his lap. “I know how it feels to be trapped inside of a life that you never meant to have, and I know that Evan wouldn’t have wanted that for you.”
The sincerity of his confession overwhelmed me, and I felt the sting of tears trying to force their way into my eyes as I looked at him. Sidney wasn’t an open book, by any means, but Kris had told Evan and I that Sidney wasn’t as happy as he seemed. It was easy to assume that someone who lived his life would find contentment despite the obstacles, but he was right; Sidney was trapped in his life, living all of these wonderful achievements away from his family and without love beside him. He had given up his comfort to chase his dreams, but the dreams had stolen him.
I had left my family to be closer to Evan, to chase my dreams of he and I. Now, I was without him, living in a shell of what I had imagined for myself, feeling empty for days and trying desperately to hide the pains. Sidney and I were both alone, in completely different ways. The difference, which he was trying to tell me, was that I didn’t have to be. Sidney’s life forced a loneliness that he had come to accept at some point. My life had the chance to be filled with comfort and friendships, and I had pushed it all away. Therapy had been the right step, but avoiding every reminder of what I used to have and leaving so much of my past behind, that was wrong.
Kris stirred again, causing both Sidney and I to stare at him, waiting to see if he’d awaken or not. Kris let out a soft groan, one of his hands lifting to feel the back of his head before his eyes opened and he stared up at the two of us. “I didn’t imagine it, did I?”
We both shook our heads. “No, you’re really in the hospital, dude,” Sidney said, smiling slightly.
Kris smirked. “I knew that. I meant them cutting my hair,” he forced himself to sit up. “I was hoping it was a nightmare.”
I couldn’t help but grin, relief washing over me as Kris appeared to be fine, the relief being swallowed by the surprise I felt at how happy I was to see him be perfectly fine. “Are you still on all that medicine?” I asked.
Kris looked at me, his eyes hovering on my face for a few long seconds before he smiled. “Maybe.” He glanced over at Sid, “Were you two talking about me?” He asked, eyeing the two of us.
Sidney grinned. “We sure were.”
Kris sighed, moving his pillow so he could rest his back against it. “I’m glad to see the two of you,” he admitted, nodding slightly. “I was sure I’d wake up alone.” He looked over at me, his eyes moving across my face, seeming to soak in every detail. “I thought you would be gone for sure, after all of the things I’ve done.”
I saw Sidney turn to look at me as I looked back at Kris. I let out a long sigh before I gave him a half smile. “No one should be alone when they don’t have to be,” I finally said.
Kris seemed confused by the response, but nodded. I felt Sidney reach out to place a hand on my knee, giving it a small pat of approval. It was an out of character gesture from him, but I understood why he had done it.
It was time to start moving forward and stop being alone. And even though we weren’t close, I was doing this for both Sidney and I.
“So,” I began, placing my coffee on the table by Kris’ bed. “What are going to do to try and hide the chunk of hair missing on the back of your head?” I asked Kris.
He groaned, covering his face with his hands as both Sidney and I laughed.
And it felt wonderful to laugh again.
Laughter
Most of what followed the fight didn’t register in my mind.
I remember my breath getting caught in my throat. I remember the deafening silence of the arena, the stillness that surrounded us all as we stared down at Kris’ unconscious body laying on the ice. Even Chris Neil seemed completely shocked, clearly not having meant to knock Kris over that easily. Every person on the ice seemed still, a shock rippling through them as they stared down at Kris.
It was Crosby who moved first, the grip he had had on Evgeni Malkin dropping as he slid across the ice to give Kris a small shake. He yelled something towards the bench, where one of the medical staff were already making their way over. I remember watching them lift his head up and seeing the blood.
And then it’s all black.
---------------------------
“Katy?”
I snapped my head up, meeting Marc’s worried eyes and blinking a few times. “Where am I?” I asked, looking around me.
“At the hospital. You came with Sara, but she said you haven’t said a word since Kris went down.”
I rubbed my eyes, glancing around and realizing that I was indeed in a waiting room. I gave my head a small shake. “I don’t remember leaving the arena.”
Marc nodded. “I figured that. You’ve been in a daze since he went down, Sara said.”
The reminded of what had happened at the arena made me feel sick to my stomach, and my head filled itself up with a cloud of dizziness as soon as the image of Kris lying on the ice returned. “How is he?”
Marc finally sat down in the vacant seat beside me, scooting it a bit closer. “He’s okay. He has a concussion, and they had to put a few staples in the back of his head,” he paused, giving my hand a squeeze as I winced at the mention of staples, “but he was awake by the time they got here. He didn’t remember what happened, though.”
I looked around me to see f I could spot a clock somewhere. “What time is it?”
“It’s almost two in the morning,” Marc answered me.
I looked closely at him, noticing the way the skin beneath his eyes seemed weighed down with tiredness, and how his mouth seemed to be tightened with the strength of worry. He looked exhausted.
“I guess we should probably head home, huh?” I asked, realizing how tired I was as well. “Did I sleep?”
He laughed. “No. You’ve been sitting here for a couple of hours now. We asked if you wanted to see Kris once they were done with the staples, but you didn’t answer.”
I nodded, trying to stand up from the chair, struggling at fist as my legs had fallen asleep. “Is Sara still here?”
He shook his head. “No, she went home an hour ago. School starts for her tomorrow, so she needed to sleep a bit,” he reminded me.
“Are they sending Kris home?” I asked, stretching my arms up above me.
“They’re keeping him tonight and for part of tomorrow to run tests,” he answered, yawning. “Come on, I’ll drive you home.”
“Wait,” I said, frowning. “Is he alone?”
Marc shook his head again. “His parents are here. They just arrived, few minutes before I came to talk to you.” He reached up to scratch the back of his head before sighing. “Mr and Mrs Daniels are, too.”
I almost passed out at the mention of the Daniels, Evan’s parents, being in the hospital. I had barely seen them since Evan’s passing, mainly because it brought out all of the emotions in me that I was constantly fighting to keep a grasp on. It made sense, after Travis having just told me that Kris still saw the family on a weekly basis, that they would drive down to make sure he was okay.
I chewed on my lip for a moment, stopping when I had bit to hard and my mouth was filled with the taste of the copper, snapping me back into the present moment. “I should go see them. I can’t just leave.”
Marc nodded, looking as though he had expected that response from me. “I’ll be here. I need to call Vero, anyways.”
I had to ask Marc where everyone was before I headed off, stopping by the bathroom to try and fix my hair and smudged make-up first, then rounding the corner to where Kris’ room was. Both of his parents were outside, his mom looking frazzled, her face drained of its colour, and his father trying to compose himself, the weight of worry heavily placed upon him. They were talking to one of the doctors quietly, both of them doing a lot of head nodding.
Just to the side of them were the Daniels, both of them holding a cup of what I could only assume to be coffee. Paul spotted me first, his dark eyes seeming to light up in surprise as he recognized me, nudging his wife to point me out.
I approached with hesitant steps, the nerves cycling throughout my veins seeming to weight down and postpone each movement. I smiled, standing just over a foot away from them. “Hi,”
Analyse, Evan’s mother, looked me over, her face seeming void emotion for the moment it took to do so. Once she was done, she let out a long sigh, reaching out to pull me into an unexpected embrace, her one hand immediately running through my tousled hair in a comforting manner. “Katy, it’s so good to see you.”
I found myself returning the embrace without even thinking about it. “You too,” I said back, eventually being freed from the hug so I could move onto another hug from Paul. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around as much,” I apologized. “I was busy getting counselling and-”
“Oh, honey, don’t worry about that,” Analyse said immediately, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Your mother told us all about your therapy sessions, and about how hard it’s been for you.”
“Hard for me?” I repeated. “I can’t even imagine how you two are,” I said. There was a moment of silence that followed my statement before I glanced over at the room Kris was in. “How is he?”
“Lucky,” Paul answered, the smirk that I had gotten so used to seeing appearing across his face. “He got his own room.”
I laughed, shaking my head. “Is he still awake?”
Analyse nodded. “I’m so glad he’s okay. We were watching the game at home, and when he went down…” she trailed off, her eyes growing glossy at the thought of earlier events, causing her to take a moment and clear her throat. “Kris has just become a part of the family, you know? Ever since Evan’s passing, he’s been with us. He keeps us updated, he was there for all of our birthdays, he came over on the anniversary of Evan’s death. He’s just a part of our family now.”
I felt my chest tighten as she spoke, trying to absorb each word. Paul had moved over to talk to the Letang’s, asking about updates on when Kris would be released, if they had somewhere to stay, etc.
“I know he was hard on you, Katy,” Analyse began, “and I know that there’s no excuse for the things that he said to you. But that boy,” she pointed into the room, “lost so much in the last two years. I don’t know if you remember how 2008 was for him, but he’s been trying to sort himself out for a long time now.”
The reminder of Kris’ past tragedies was something I hadn’t even had cross my mind. Everyone had heard about the loss of Luc, an amazingly talented defenseman playing in Vancouver, and also one of Kris’ best friends. Evan had only met Luc a few times, and I don’t think I had ever seen him face to face, but the tragedy of Luc’s passing, followed by the Penguins losing to the Red Wings in the Cup finals, was enough to destroy the joy inside of Kris. Thinking back on it, he had just started to piece himself back together when Evan was killed.
I felt nauseous, so many realizations coming to surface before me. It explained so much about the drastic change in behaviour that Kris suffered. I knew he was a complete mess from Luc’s passing, but once I had lost Evan, that seemed to fall from my mind. Kris’ dislike for Evan constantly being with me instead of him even seemed more clear to me. The rush of guilt that was blasted into my body was enough to almost make my knees clash together in weakness.
“I’ll be right back,” I said to Analyse, turning and heading back over to where Marc was still waiting, his eyes closed as he leaned his head against the wall behind him. I gave him a small shake, awakening him before he was fully asleep. “Marc, I think I’m going to stay here.”
He seemed surprised, but didn’t press the issue, nodding his head tiredly. “Call me if you need a ride home tomorrow, okay? I think Sid is coming by in the morning, so he’ll probably offer, too, but if not, call me.”
I nodded, stopping him before he could leave. “Marc, wait. When you were at my place, and I told you that Kris….” I shrugged, choosing not to actually repeat the announcement, aware that Marc would know what I meant, “what was it that you wanted to tell me? You never told me what I needed to know about him.”
Marc looked like he had to think about for a moment before nodding. “Oh yeah, I guess I never did,” he realized, chuckling. “You remember how you said that soon enough Kris would be back in Sainte-Julie?” He waited for to nod. “Yeah, he’s not coming back to Montreal. He signed up for a years of worth of counselling out here, in Pittsburgh.” He grinned at me, the amusement on his face shining through the fatigue. “Looks like he’ll have lots of time to apologize to you.”
I reached out to smack his arm but was too slow, shaking my head as he ran away from me, as fast as his tired body would let him.
I headed back over to where the Daniels were, frowning when I saw that the Letangs weren’t there anymore.
“They headed over to our house to get some sleep,” Paul said, answering my unvoiced question. “They’ll be back in a few hours, I assume.” He yawned, looking over at Analyse who was doing the same thing and letting out a small laugh. “We’re probably going to head out, too. Do you need a ride?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m going to stay here,” I said, looking over at the room. “I think I owe that to Kris.” The two of them nodded as if they completely understood, hugging me goodbye before tiredly heading out of the hospital.
I made my way over to the doorway of the room, noticing that Kris was still awake, his tired eyes staring up at the ceiling. I had to urge my body to move into the room, surprised when he didn’t seem to notice my presence. I sat down in the chair net to his bed and cleared my throat, seeming to snap him out of a trance. “Hey.”
He looked completely confused, rubbing his eyes before leaning in to look at me closer. “Katy?”
I almost laughed at how genuine his shock was. “Yeah, it’s me. How’s your head?”
He shrugged. “They gave me a lot of medicine. I can’t feel anything.”
I let out a small laugh, nodding my head. “That was really scary, the way you went down on the ice.”
He let out a small sigh, almost seeming embarrassed by the reminder. “I shouldn’t have fought Neil. I don’t know what I was thinking,” he explained, muttering afterwards, “I guess I wasn’t.”
Neither one of us spoke for a minute, probably because of how exhausted both of us were. Kris lifted his head up once more and looked at me. “Kaitlin, I meant it when I said that I was sorry.”
I looked at him, again taking note of the genuineness of his voice. “I know.”
He studied me again for a moment, most likely confused by how easily I accepted the apology that time, before letting his head rest on the pillow again. “They ruined my hair.”
I nearly laughed. “I’m sorry?”
He sighed. “They ruined my hair,” he repeated. “When they put the staples in my head, they cut some of my hair.” He shook his head, still staring up at the ceiling. “You can’t just do that.”
I couldn’t help but laugh that time, the tiredness that I felt making the amount of hilarity in Kris’ statement even high then it actually was and causing me to be incapable of stopping. Kris began laughing as well, the contagiousness of laughter being intensified by the lack of sleep we both suffered from.
I don’t know how long both of us laughed, laughing so hard that we both ran out of breath and our pale faces had been tinted with the hues of comedy, but when I finally gained control of myself again, I sighed, wiping the tears that had been freed from my eyes away from my face. “I don’t remember the last time I laughed. Honestly, laughed,” I shared, glancing at Kris.
He didn’t reply for a moment before he moved his head enough to look at me, a hint of sadness returning to his face as he gave a small nod. “Me either.”
There was another pause of silence, both of becoming absorbed in our thoughts momentarily following the realization. The weight of my head seemed to be increasing, my neck beginning to throb from the weight of it. I glanced down at Kris, surprised to find his eyes closed and his chest moving slowly up and down, his breathing having slowed as he surrendered to sleep. The peace that seemed to accompany his slumber ignited a brief sense of jealousy in me until I let my head rest against the edge of the bed, falling asleep before I could even take in my next breath.
I remember my breath getting caught in my throat. I remember the deafening silence of the arena, the stillness that surrounded us all as we stared down at Kris’ unconscious body laying on the ice. Even Chris Neil seemed completely shocked, clearly not having meant to knock Kris over that easily. Every person on the ice seemed still, a shock rippling through them as they stared down at Kris.
It was Crosby who moved first, the grip he had had on Evgeni Malkin dropping as he slid across the ice to give Kris a small shake. He yelled something towards the bench, where one of the medical staff were already making their way over. I remember watching them lift his head up and seeing the blood.
And then it’s all black.
---------------------------
“Katy?”
I snapped my head up, meeting Marc’s worried eyes and blinking a few times. “Where am I?” I asked, looking around me.
“At the hospital. You came with Sara, but she said you haven’t said a word since Kris went down.”
I rubbed my eyes, glancing around and realizing that I was indeed in a waiting room. I gave my head a small shake. “I don’t remember leaving the arena.”
Marc nodded. “I figured that. You’ve been in a daze since he went down, Sara said.”
The reminded of what had happened at the arena made me feel sick to my stomach, and my head filled itself up with a cloud of dizziness as soon as the image of Kris lying on the ice returned. “How is he?”
Marc finally sat down in the vacant seat beside me, scooting it a bit closer. “He’s okay. He has a concussion, and they had to put a few staples in the back of his head,” he paused, giving my hand a squeeze as I winced at the mention of staples, “but he was awake by the time they got here. He didn’t remember what happened, though.”
I looked around me to see f I could spot a clock somewhere. “What time is it?”
“It’s almost two in the morning,” Marc answered me.
I looked closely at him, noticing the way the skin beneath his eyes seemed weighed down with tiredness, and how his mouth seemed to be tightened with the strength of worry. He looked exhausted.
“I guess we should probably head home, huh?” I asked, realizing how tired I was as well. “Did I sleep?”
He laughed. “No. You’ve been sitting here for a couple of hours now. We asked if you wanted to see Kris once they were done with the staples, but you didn’t answer.”
I nodded, trying to stand up from the chair, struggling at fist as my legs had fallen asleep. “Is Sara still here?”
He shook his head. “No, she went home an hour ago. School starts for her tomorrow, so she needed to sleep a bit,” he reminded me.
“Are they sending Kris home?” I asked, stretching my arms up above me.
“They’re keeping him tonight and for part of tomorrow to run tests,” he answered, yawning. “Come on, I’ll drive you home.”
“Wait,” I said, frowning. “Is he alone?”
Marc shook his head again. “His parents are here. They just arrived, few minutes before I came to talk to you.” He reached up to scratch the back of his head before sighing. “Mr and Mrs Daniels are, too.”
I almost passed out at the mention of the Daniels, Evan’s parents, being in the hospital. I had barely seen them since Evan’s passing, mainly because it brought out all of the emotions in me that I was constantly fighting to keep a grasp on. It made sense, after Travis having just told me that Kris still saw the family on a weekly basis, that they would drive down to make sure he was okay.
I chewed on my lip for a moment, stopping when I had bit to hard and my mouth was filled with the taste of the copper, snapping me back into the present moment. “I should go see them. I can’t just leave.”
Marc nodded, looking as though he had expected that response from me. “I’ll be here. I need to call Vero, anyways.”
I had to ask Marc where everyone was before I headed off, stopping by the bathroom to try and fix my hair and smudged make-up first, then rounding the corner to where Kris’ room was. Both of his parents were outside, his mom looking frazzled, her face drained of its colour, and his father trying to compose himself, the weight of worry heavily placed upon him. They were talking to one of the doctors quietly, both of them doing a lot of head nodding.
Just to the side of them were the Daniels, both of them holding a cup of what I could only assume to be coffee. Paul spotted me first, his dark eyes seeming to light up in surprise as he recognized me, nudging his wife to point me out.
I approached with hesitant steps, the nerves cycling throughout my veins seeming to weight down and postpone each movement. I smiled, standing just over a foot away from them. “Hi,”
Analyse, Evan’s mother, looked me over, her face seeming void emotion for the moment it took to do so. Once she was done, she let out a long sigh, reaching out to pull me into an unexpected embrace, her one hand immediately running through my tousled hair in a comforting manner. “Katy, it’s so good to see you.”
I found myself returning the embrace without even thinking about it. “You too,” I said back, eventually being freed from the hug so I could move onto another hug from Paul. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around as much,” I apologized. “I was busy getting counselling and-”
“Oh, honey, don’t worry about that,” Analyse said immediately, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Your mother told us all about your therapy sessions, and about how hard it’s been for you.”
“Hard for me?” I repeated. “I can’t even imagine how you two are,” I said. There was a moment of silence that followed my statement before I glanced over at the room Kris was in. “How is he?”
“Lucky,” Paul answered, the smirk that I had gotten so used to seeing appearing across his face. “He got his own room.”
I laughed, shaking my head. “Is he still awake?”
Analyse nodded. “I’m so glad he’s okay. We were watching the game at home, and when he went down…” she trailed off, her eyes growing glossy at the thought of earlier events, causing her to take a moment and clear her throat. “Kris has just become a part of the family, you know? Ever since Evan’s passing, he’s been with us. He keeps us updated, he was there for all of our birthdays, he came over on the anniversary of Evan’s death. He’s just a part of our family now.”
I felt my chest tighten as she spoke, trying to absorb each word. Paul had moved over to talk to the Letang’s, asking about updates on when Kris would be released, if they had somewhere to stay, etc.
“I know he was hard on you, Katy,” Analyse began, “and I know that there’s no excuse for the things that he said to you. But that boy,” she pointed into the room, “lost so much in the last two years. I don’t know if you remember how 2008 was for him, but he’s been trying to sort himself out for a long time now.”
The reminder of Kris’ past tragedies was something I hadn’t even had cross my mind. Everyone had heard about the loss of Luc, an amazingly talented defenseman playing in Vancouver, and also one of Kris’ best friends. Evan had only met Luc a few times, and I don’t think I had ever seen him face to face, but the tragedy of Luc’s passing, followed by the Penguins losing to the Red Wings in the Cup finals, was enough to destroy the joy inside of Kris. Thinking back on it, he had just started to piece himself back together when Evan was killed.
I felt nauseous, so many realizations coming to surface before me. It explained so much about the drastic change in behaviour that Kris suffered. I knew he was a complete mess from Luc’s passing, but once I had lost Evan, that seemed to fall from my mind. Kris’ dislike for Evan constantly being with me instead of him even seemed more clear to me. The rush of guilt that was blasted into my body was enough to almost make my knees clash together in weakness.
“I’ll be right back,” I said to Analyse, turning and heading back over to where Marc was still waiting, his eyes closed as he leaned his head against the wall behind him. I gave him a small shake, awakening him before he was fully asleep. “Marc, I think I’m going to stay here.”
He seemed surprised, but didn’t press the issue, nodding his head tiredly. “Call me if you need a ride home tomorrow, okay? I think Sid is coming by in the morning, so he’ll probably offer, too, but if not, call me.”
I nodded, stopping him before he could leave. “Marc, wait. When you were at my place, and I told you that Kris….” I shrugged, choosing not to actually repeat the announcement, aware that Marc would know what I meant, “what was it that you wanted to tell me? You never told me what I needed to know about him.”
Marc looked like he had to think about for a moment before nodding. “Oh yeah, I guess I never did,” he realized, chuckling. “You remember how you said that soon enough Kris would be back in Sainte-Julie?” He waited for to nod. “Yeah, he’s not coming back to Montreal. He signed up for a years of worth of counselling out here, in Pittsburgh.” He grinned at me, the amusement on his face shining through the fatigue. “Looks like he’ll have lots of time to apologize to you.”
I reached out to smack his arm but was too slow, shaking my head as he ran away from me, as fast as his tired body would let him.
I headed back over to where the Daniels were, frowning when I saw that the Letangs weren’t there anymore.
“They headed over to our house to get some sleep,” Paul said, answering my unvoiced question. “They’ll be back in a few hours, I assume.” He yawned, looking over at Analyse who was doing the same thing and letting out a small laugh. “We’re probably going to head out, too. Do you need a ride?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m going to stay here,” I said, looking over at the room. “I think I owe that to Kris.” The two of them nodded as if they completely understood, hugging me goodbye before tiredly heading out of the hospital.
I made my way over to the doorway of the room, noticing that Kris was still awake, his tired eyes staring up at the ceiling. I had to urge my body to move into the room, surprised when he didn’t seem to notice my presence. I sat down in the chair net to his bed and cleared my throat, seeming to snap him out of a trance. “Hey.”
He looked completely confused, rubbing his eyes before leaning in to look at me closer. “Katy?”
I almost laughed at how genuine his shock was. “Yeah, it’s me. How’s your head?”
He shrugged. “They gave me a lot of medicine. I can’t feel anything.”
I let out a small laugh, nodding my head. “That was really scary, the way you went down on the ice.”
He let out a small sigh, almost seeming embarrassed by the reminder. “I shouldn’t have fought Neil. I don’t know what I was thinking,” he explained, muttering afterwards, “I guess I wasn’t.”
Neither one of us spoke for a minute, probably because of how exhausted both of us were. Kris lifted his head up once more and looked at me. “Kaitlin, I meant it when I said that I was sorry.”
I looked at him, again taking note of the genuineness of his voice. “I know.”
He studied me again for a moment, most likely confused by how easily I accepted the apology that time, before letting his head rest on the pillow again. “They ruined my hair.”
I nearly laughed. “I’m sorry?”
He sighed. “They ruined my hair,” he repeated. “When they put the staples in my head, they cut some of my hair.” He shook his head, still staring up at the ceiling. “You can’t just do that.”
I couldn’t help but laugh that time, the tiredness that I felt making the amount of hilarity in Kris’ statement even high then it actually was and causing me to be incapable of stopping. Kris began laughing as well, the contagiousness of laughter being intensified by the lack of sleep we both suffered from.
I don’t know how long both of us laughed, laughing so hard that we both ran out of breath and our pale faces had been tinted with the hues of comedy, but when I finally gained control of myself again, I sighed, wiping the tears that had been freed from my eyes away from my face. “I don’t remember the last time I laughed. Honestly, laughed,” I shared, glancing at Kris.
He didn’t reply for a moment before he moved his head enough to look at me, a hint of sadness returning to his face as he gave a small nod. “Me either.”
There was another pause of silence, both of becoming absorbed in our thoughts momentarily following the realization. The weight of my head seemed to be increasing, my neck beginning to throb from the weight of it. I glanced down at Kris, surprised to find his eyes closed and his chest moving slowly up and down, his breathing having slowed as he surrendered to sleep. The peace that seemed to accompany his slumber ignited a brief sense of jealousy in me until I let my head rest against the edge of the bed, falling asleep before I could even take in my next breath.
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