Lullaby

I didn't move. Not an inch of my body, not a single cell of it was moving. I was tempted to hold my breath for as long as possible just to savour the stillness.

In the days before, my refusal to move myself from the comfort of my bed sprung from my desire to relish some form of control. Losing the person I had planned to spend the rest of my life with was so out of my reign, it made the tiny aspects of life that I had a grasp on seem more important. The reminders of how small I was in the mess of life made the cries of my head, and my heart, swell around me. It was why I sumberged myself in the bathtub, hid beneath the covers to block out the light and pushed away friendships that carried reminders. It felt as if that was all I could do to save myself.

As I lay there in that moment, it was because I wanted to. I was free, to some degree. It was the first morning that I woke up and the heaviness of my loss wasn't pressing down upon me. It was the first day in almost 18 months that I felt as if I could breathe. I welcomed the light from outside. I embraced the sounds around and within me. I was going to climb off of the bed at some point, and I was going to put one foot in front of the other. I was going to see my therapist and tell her that the one person I had been so afraid of was the one person who had pulled me back together, and in what seemed like such a short time frame. I was going to tell Dr. Bailey that I was happy today, genueinely happy, and then I was going to see my friends.

I was going to live.

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"Is it crazy?" I asked, seeking an honest answer. "Is it completely crazy to feel all of this for Evan's best friend?"

Dr. Bailey offered a warm smile. "He was your best friend as well, Katy, don't forget that. And as for crazy," she paused, watching my face tighten with worry, "no. It's not crazy." She sighed, adjusting her glasses. "I know Kristopher, which you're already aware of, and his compassion for you is overwhelming. From what I've been able to gather on his friendship with Evan, he truly is the person that would be picked to take care of you. And more than that, he wants to be that person. The only 'crazy' part of this whole thing is the fact that you didn't realize it sooner."

I frowned, slightly annoyed by the smirk that crossed her face. "I was worried this was too soon."

She laughed, a response that caught me off guard. "Oh, Katy, no. Do you know how you can tell that you're ready to love again?" She asked, watching me.

I shook my head, leaning forward in the chair a bit to pick up the response easier.

"You let someone love you again." She smiled, nodding her head once to conclude the point. "It's as simple as that. The second you let him in and accepted everything he felt for you was the same second that you took that step forward. Sometimes it takes years to reach that point, sometimes months. What matters more than the time it took, is the way you reached that point. You've put a lot of effort into dealing with the issues that many victims of a loss are imprisoned by, and there should be no shame, guilt or fear in the fact that you're able to move forward with yourself."

"I don't feel any of those, actually," I admitted a little sheepishly.

She raised her eyebrows at me. "What do you feel?"

I paused, trying to think of the right word before looking at her and deciding. "Relieved."

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Kris was waiting for me when I arrived at his house, opening the door before I had the chance to knock.

I stepped back, startled by how fast the door opened before me. "Jesus, Kris, you scared me."

He laughed, apologizing immediately. "I'm sorry, I just saw you walking up the driveway and, I guess I was excited." He spoke the latter of the statement so softly that I barely heard it, watching as his face was washed over with a light shade of pink that hit every corner of his features. This whole situation was still so new to both of us that there was a hesitation in our steps. He had admitted his excitement to see so freely, only to instantly fear that it was too soon for him to tell him that.

I smiled, leaning up to kiss one of his warm cheeks in an attempt to show him that it was fine. "It's fine, you just scared me a bit," I told him, stepping past him so that I could enter the house, relieved to find that he had turned his fireplace on and allowed the usually cool lower floor to be filled with warmth. "How was practice this morning?" I asked, turning to face him after I heard the sound of the door close behind me.

He didn't answer, pulling me against him the second I had turned around. It wasn't to kiss me, which I had first expected when I felt his hands press against the small of my back. No, he was just holding me, his face pressing into the side of my neck as he pulled me closer towards him. I wasn't sure what was happening, but I wrapped my arms around him in return.

I felt him take in a deep breath of air before he lifted his head up and pulled away from me slightly, smiling when he could see me again. "I'm sorry if that was weird. I just wanted to hold you. Maybe it's too soon-"

"It's not," I said, grabbing one of his hands. "It's been a long time since I actually felt close to someone."

He nodded, a hint of a smile on his face "Me too." He sighed, letting go of my hand as he began to make his way through the living room and out towards the hallway. "Do you want something to drink? I do not have any coffee right now, but I could make a hot chocolate?" He turned back around to grin at me. "I have some mini-marshmallow's and I'll cover them in chocolate sauce for you."

I felt my own face break into a grin. "I actually can't remember the last time I had that."

"The last time I had it," he said, signalling for me to walk with him into the kitchen, "was almost three years ago. Just before you and Evan started dating," he recalled, glancing to see if the mention of Evan and I would bother me.

"I think that was also the last time I had it," I agreed, smiling so he knew that it was fine.

"That's far too long." He grabbed two mugs, plugging the kettle in and grabbing the container of instant hot chocolate mix. "It's nice to have these moments back."

I nodded, sitting on top of his kitchen counter. "It's nice to smile again."

He grinned, glancing at me over his shoulder. "How was your session with Bailey today?"

I knew that he was really asking whether she was aware of our situation or not. "It was good. She fully supports our make-out session."

Kris laughed, turning to look at me as he leaned against the other side of the counter. "I haven't told Flower yet."

"I only told Sara," I said. "How do you think they'll react?"

He raised an eyebrow. "They being my team?" He asked, shrugging after I nodded. "Sid and Flower will be happy. I think that they have seen this coming for a little while now. As for the rest," he shrugged again, "who cares?" He bit his lip, trying to read my face. "Why, are you worried?"

"No," I answered immediately. "I was just wondering if you were."

He gave a small smirk, walking over to me so that he was standing an inch away from my legs, the two of almost the same height with me being on the counter. "I will never be worried about what they think. I am going to make sure that you are happy, and taken care of. And I'm going to parade you around like the beautiful girl that you are."

I felt myself blush, despite my best efforts not to. "Those are pretty big commitments."

"And they are all things that you deserve." He bit his lip momentatily. "I just want Evan to think that I'm doing a good job of taking care of you now. Like he told me too."

I felt my head dip to the side a bit in reaction to his confession. "Kris, you don't understand," I said softly. "For awhile now, you've been that one thing in my life that made me feel okay. There were times where I couldn't sleep because of how alone I felt, and I'd think of that day at the cemetery, when you held me and told me I wasn't alone anymore, and I would believe you. It was what made me feel okay. That one thought, that was what it took for me to be able to sleep and know that when I woke up, someone else was going to be going through the motions just like I was."

He let out a small chuckle, running a hand up my arm in a gesture of comfort. "You know, after that day I told Sid that you were the reason I could sleep again," he admitted, looking my face over quickly. "He called you my lullaby."

I laughed. "Sid is so lame sometimes."

Kris nodded, his hand now resting on the side of my face. "He's right though. You're-"

"If you say 'the music in me' I will kick you where it hurts most," I promised, making him laugh.

The kettle began whistling behind him, causing him to move away from me so he could unplug it and begin making our drinks. "This was one of the first mornings that I woke up and was happy to be awake," he told me once my cup was ready, handing the mug to me.

I smiled, feeling the warmth from the mug creep up my arms. "Me too," I admitted.

"Thank you," he said.

I felt my eyebrows press down. "For what? You made the hot chocolate."

He laughed. "For giving me a chance. I know that I didn't deserve one."

"We all deserve chances," I said quickly, almost scolding him for the statement. "I pushed everyone away from me, and they still fought for my friendship. I didn't deserve that, but I needed it. I needed their friendship. Just like I need you."

It was the first time I had actually said that. I needed him. We needed each other. We had thrown so much ourselves away when we lost Evan. He had said best the previous night when he suggested that we hadn't lost part of ourselves when we lost Evan, we had just thrown them away when we lost him. We needed each other to find those pieces. Maybe we were the pieces, even. Whatever the reason was, I needed him. He was the light. If there was no Kris, there was the darkness of alone.

He could see the realization sinking into my skin as I thought over the confession. He abandoned his own mug to move back over to me, taking my mug from my hands to set it down gently before tugging me off of the counter. "I need you, too. And we should never be ashamed of admitting that we need one another." He pressed his lips against my forehead, pulling me into his frame once again. "We should just be thankful that we have one another."

I sighed, returning his embrace. "I am." And it was true. I was.